I'll let this speak for itself

How to Respond

Sorry I haven't written on here for a while....Stressminster Choir College has taken over my life. I'm taking 17 credits, still have to practice, working towards trying to make it into Aspen Music School this upcoming summer, have a secretarial job at Westminster Conservatory, have joined a Bible Study and a sophomore women's Fellowship group at Princeton University. And to throw a wrench in all of that, this past week, I've had a bout of stomach sickness (which I've concluded to be food poisoning since the doctor's couldn't figure it out, I had stomach pain that felt like death taking its vengeful anger out on me and had to have an ambulance take me to the ER because of it, and I ate cod from the cafeteria less than about 10 hours before). Not all that easy for a 17 year old (who is over 20 hours from home - I've been feeling a bit homesick lately...but more on that later) to handle.

Anyway, getting involved in the fellowship group and Bible study have been such an encouragement to me. And a conviction to me. I guess overall, in the studies we've had there, they all sum up to this - God is everything I need, and He is the ONLY person/thing I should look to for satisfaction in this life (and in the next). Like sure, the Bible studies are going MUCH deeper than that. But that's what I've been feeling the most convicted on lately. And it makes me wonder, why do I do half the things I do? Or even 99% of the things that I do? If I'm totally honest with myself, as much as I might pray that it's to God's glory, it's to His glory and honor but it's also an attempt to get others to say "wow, she's a cool girl" or "hey, she's so smart" or "what a cutie" or "I don't know how she handles it all" or something of such. And that's SO WRONG. It's like I'm saying to God, "Sorry, You aren't enough for me. I appreciate all of the blessings You lavish on me, and I wanna make You happy, but I want to make the rest of the world happy too and I want to impress everyone as well. Only because I'm not satisfied that You are content with who I am in You." And it's wrong. It's not like I shouldn't work towards anything in life; I believe that's just as wrong, because God has planted us on earth for a reason, and that isn't to swarm in our "Christian" circles and live in our "Christian" communities (Christian in parentheses, because a lot of the time, the "Christian" circles and communities are simply "religious" circles and communities where everyone is super involved to fit in the popular status quo). And it isn't to sit at home and bum around with our kids (no slight at stay-at-home moms; a true stay at home mom takes care of her family, and also takes time to get out in the community to share her God-given talents - I believe being a stay at home mom is God's highest call for a woman).

And this all struck me a few weeks ago when I was laying in bed in one of my friends' rooms. We were trying to predict each other's futures based on our personalities. She presumed I would get married before her, but after two of my other girl friends, because I know exactly what I'm looking for in a guy, and my expectations are reasonable, but she knows I won't compromise on the type of guy I'm willing to marry (she thinks her expectations for a husband are too lofty, and no guy will ever meet them...I disagree). She said, "I think you'll hit a crossroad where you'll have a GREAT performance career handed to you, and you'll also have this great guy who wants to marry you, so you'll have to choose between career and family. And I bet you're going to choose family, and you'll end up heading more in the direction of your Arts Administration minor." And it got me thinking, would I really? And what am I making more important in my life right now? My relationships with friends and family and ultimately God, or my future career? And I realized, she's right. She's right because, I wouldn't want to grow old like SO many amazing musicians, look back on my life, and say, "Wow. I'm a millionaire. I'm famous. People love my music. But I don't have a family who loves me. I've made my career my life, and all people will remember me for is my music. Not my impact on their lives." And as I've gotten more and more homesick this year, I've realized, I never want to be REALLY close to my parents (like, not within a 10 minute radius), but I want to be close enough to my family to be able to visit whenever I wish. And I'm starting to realize, granted, I want a great performance career. But I sometimes question whether or not it can coincide with family. Or with God.

Later,
Rachel

Untitled

So I figured I should throw out a quick post just for the sake of throwing it out there. I won third place at the Washington County Fair last Saturday. That was an encouragement to my musical side...and it wasn't too bad to walk away with an extra sixty bucks either, haha. In other news, lately I've been contemplating my future again. I know the Bible mentions how we make our plans, and the Lord sometimes changes them, etc. And lately, I've been contemplating my future. Sure, I'm only 17. I have time. But as much as I want to be a classical pianist, I can't get over how much joy I get from singing. Like, it's insane, and part of me has a hard time believing I've only known that for a couple of years. Last night, I literally sat at the piano and sang for almost three hours straight. I do that with piano, but at times, it feels like such a trudge. I can sing while playing piano until my voice is insanely hoarse, and I still don't feel the "work" side of it. And I'm excited about being able to have legit voice lessons this year! In other news, I've calculated out my credits, and at the end of the summer, I'll be almost exactly 1/3 of the way done with my credits. Which makes me ponder - what to do after graduation? Sure, I'll almost definitely HAVE to stay for four years simply to take piano lessons and choir (although, those two courses will probably be the only reason I'll have to stay for my senior year). But what after that? I'm pretty sure I wanna go to grad school, but where? And then I've been contemplating the "connections" I have musically. And how I'm surrounded by these incredibly talented people. And how I don't come anywhere near how amazing they are. E.g., my frenemy (new word for friend/enemy) is giving solo piano concerts somewhere on the East Coast. My best friend is in the opera Carmen at an opera house in PA, and he told me that one of the vocalists told him that a different opera house in North Carolina would love to fly him out/book him a hotel AND pay him to play certain opera roles. Already. This guy's only 19, and usually, you don't start getting bookings like that until you're like 23 or 24. And then there's me. Just this random girl who happens to love music. I just wish I could see exactly what the Lord is doing in my life, and where He's leading me. And then, lately, I've been considering marriage, etc. I think about how when I was younger, I wanted to be married by the time I was like 16 (ridiculous, but hey, when you're 8, 16 seems like FOREVER away, right, haha?). And as of lately, I'm not so sure I wanna get married. Like yeah, I want kids, but every time my mom jokes about it and says that she's "praying that I'll marry the Godliest, most handsome man in the world," I tell her that I want to wear a wedding dress. But I don't know if I want to get married. I want the pomp and circumstance; the ability to dress like a princess for one day in my life. But I don't know if I'd ever want to make a lifetime commitment like that. It's not just about staying faithful. It's about giving up EVERYTHING to one guy. Dreams, ambitions, career, whatever he wants. And not like I consider myself "domineering", but I don't know that I'd ever want to do that. But again, I'm only 17. I have a good 6 or 7 years to ponder those things. Anyway, quick vid here...I LOVE this song by Ingrid Michaelson (she's my summer music addiction this year, haha). This is called Highway. It sorta reminds me of leaving off for college once again and the way my mom always says that time goes by so quickly, etc. and every time I hear it, it makes me a bit teary.

It's the Ride

As much as I STRONGLY dislike and disapprove of Miley Cyrus, there has been ONE song of hers that I secretly love: The Climb. Unfortunately, she hasn't heeded her own advice, namely "it's not about how fast I get there, it's not about what's waitin' on the other side", because to Miss Slutsy, it IS about how fast she gets there, and the money and fame that's waiting on the other side.

I found out yesterday that I didn't even get into semi-finals for the state fair. After having a week of contemplating quitting piano altogether because I've been extremely discouraged about it, getting that news certainly didn't help. However, I remembered the good and bad performances I heard when I was at the state fair. NONE of the people who I thought were very talented (there were only 3 that I liked; the rest were either off-tune, only sang a four-note range, or their chords didn't match the song). But I realized, if they didn't make it, maybe I shouldn't feel so down. Maybe it would've been a negative to make it into the state fair. I don't know.

However, something convicted me. I realized that a lot of my frustration with piano is that it "doesn't seem to be going anywhere". I tell that a lot to my family. They respond with, "Rachel, it IS going somewhere. You're gone practically every day of this summer doing something involving music." And yesterday, it hit me. I'm making it "how fast I get there", "what's waitin' on the other side". I will admit, I do want to be famous. Just a TINNNYYY bit. And I'd like to earn enough money to pay off my student loans in a year without a problem. All $100,000+ of them. As if, right? But my focus is all wrong. And maybe that's coming out in my music too. I'm getting to the point I was always scared of getting at - making piano a "job" rather than an enjoyment. And that simply CAN'T be my focus. I have to pray about playing music because I love it, and because I want to touch lives and honor the Lord with it. So I think that'll be my new school year resolution: to pray about keeping my focus on why I decided to major in music, and to not worry about how much my education costs. And I'll try not to think about "worst case scenarios", and what I'll do if performing crashes. Because it's not about that.

It's funny, this summer my mom has been driving me everywhere due to not having a working car to drive. A lot of times, I'm exhausted because my schedule is so hectic. She'll say I can go to sleep, but I tell her I can't sleep in the car because since I'm not driving, I have to be aware of my surroundings. Truth is, I don't totally trust her (or any driver) to get me where I need to go safely. And so often, I want to take the driver's seat in everything. I want to figure everything out myself. I ask for advice, and then debate the advice I'm given, only to frustrate my "advisers". And I find myself sadly wanting to kick God out of the pilot seat, and say I want the wheel to steer my future, because I don't totally trust Him to take me where I need to go. The only problem is that I'm blind to my future. I don't have a road map to know where I'm headed next. So I basically steer myself in endless circles, and get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I want. But what I really need to do is pray about having submission to ALL of my authority figures, namely the Lord himself, take a step back, sit in the passengers seat, and enjoy the ride.

Later,
Rachel

I'll never catch up

I sit here writing this post when really, I should be getting some beauty sleep (both for my voice, as well as my body...I was singing so badly this evening that my brother told me to go to bed because I sounded exhausted [although I know he meant that I sounded bad]. :/ ) I have the Minnesota State Fair Talent competition Lord-willing tomorrow morning. I had a competition last weekend at the Washington County Fair. I made it to finals, and was very thankful. But the state fair? It's different. More people, better people, prettier people, taller people, thinner people, and the list goes ON and ON. Then I logged onto facebook (yes, I still have a terrible facebook addiction, although over the past week, i've decided that I'll try to start posting a status ONLY once every other day unless I have earth-shattering news going on...). I saw a piano major from my class (class of '13, woot!) at Wesminster Choir college had posted a video of some insane piano piece, saying the piece was what he's supposed to learn for next semester *Gulp* The worry set in. The idea that MAYBE, I should switch majors to be a vocal major, or maybe musical theatre? Perhaps I should only focus on Arts Administration and just ditch music altogether since it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. And then I realized, my perspective is all wrong. It sort of reminds me with my constant desire to be thinner. And packing on 7 pounds during my first year at college CERTAINLY didn't help. But why do I feel this way? It's not that I'm fat. Or that I'm a terrible pianist. Or that I'm a terrible vocalist. It's that I'm CONSTANTLY comparing myself to other people. CONSTANTLY. If I see an actress who seems to have THE perfect body, I might go a bit cray cray and search her BMI, and suppose that maybe if I had that BMI, I could have the same figure. And go on some fanatic diet where I'll lose a few pounds in a few days, and then gain it back (but I never take the time to think that maybe the actress has a different genetic make-up than me, and thus my body shape will NEVER change, regardless of how many pounds I lose). If I see a pianist is working on a piece more difficult than mine, I might go insane and try to learn a piece that is a few YEARS ahead of my level. And cry over the piece. And hurt my hands because they're too small for the piece. But my problem is comparison. It's hard for me to think, what if God made me different? What if I'm not supposed to be a girl with a slender 19.0 BMI? What if I'm not made to play pieces that were meant for people who have hands twice as big as mine? Who's to say that thin is best? Who's to say that fast, loud, furious, and reaches of 13ths are best? What if there is no best? And that's what I love about art. I'm SO thankful that the Lord has given art to mankind. It's a way to express ourselves when we can't put our thoughts into words. He made each and every one of us differently. Some of us are DaVinci's who paint masterpieces, or who play thunderous piano wonders. Some of us are postmodern artists who show the simple and the quiet and the beautiful intricacies of life that otherwise go unnoticed, or who play the quiet Mozart "tinkle tinkle" music a thousand times better than Rachmaninoff. But that's okay. Because God has a place for each and every one of us. And He chooses to use us in ways that we don't always understand. It doesn't always make life easy. But it does always leave me curious, because I wonder what He's up to next. I know that His plans for me are perfect and far better than I can imagine, yet in my sinful stubborn flesh, I try to figure things out my own way, oftentimes by comparing myself to others and trying to "outdo" them because I don't totally trust that the Lord can bring about what's best for my life. And it's tragic. And it leaves me in the muck of despair, stress, and worry (which is part of the reason I have an acne-ridden face, and why I need beauty sleep....but more importantly, why I need prayer). Ah, if only the Lord would grant me true faith like a child. It's so easy to talk about, yet so hard to do. And it's funny, tomorrow I'm singing the Lord's prayer in combination with The Valley Song by Jars of Clay. It's ironic that the lyrics in the Lord's Prayer speak SO much about faith like a child. I guess I need to hear more of the message of the song rather than worrying about trying to get vibrato on the high b-flat.


Later,
Rachel

Busy busy busy

Sorry I haven't updated this blog in such a long time. I can't believe it's already been almost 2 and a half months! I finished my freshman year at Stressminster (Oops, I mean, Westminster) Choir College! It was quite a stretch, but thank the Lord, I made it through. I did get the internship at the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra, so that has kept me more than a little busy this summer. I've been interning from 9-4 Monday through Thursday. I'm also accompanying church services on Thursday evenings, and working for my parents at their gym on Fridays and Saturdays, between 4 and 7 hours every day. It's been quite a stretch, but I'm thankful to be staying busy. I wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, I was debating coming home this summer in fear that I would just sit around. Anyway, lately I've been dwelling a bit on the Lord's providence. Like, how things come about that I would've never imagined. Like, 7 years ago, I never would've imagined that I would be a piano major in college. I wanted to be an artist; like a painter, or interior designer, etc. And then a gymnast. But the Lord allowed things to slowly cave in on me until all I had left were Himself and music. I would've never imagined myself at Westminster either. If it were up to me, I'd have gone to Juilliard (okay, this is tossing out the fact that Juilliard has a 9% acceptance rate, and that it is insanely difficult to get into). Yet, that wasn't the Lord's plan. No, His plan was for me to go to some random music school that I've never heard of that just so happens to be a better school than Juilliard as far as vocalists are concerned (the newsflash just so happens to come from my best friend who was a student at Juilliard pre-collegiate). And in the midst of all of these opera-wanna-be's, and in the midst of having extremely close friends, the Lord has allowed me to discover that I have a voice that I can use to honor Him with. Sure, it's not perfect. But it's been improving almost on a weekly basis ever since I started taking mock "voice lessons" from my best friend who just so happens to be one of the (it's been debated as to whether or not he is THE) best vocalist on campus. And even that; I thought about transferring colleges, due to lack of friends yes, but mainly due to difficulties with professors and my piano teacher. The Lord has even worked most of those issues out, and so yes, I do plan on going back to attend next year. I've had some incredible experiences; the good, and the bad. The awkward, and the familiar. But despite the difficulties, hindsight, I can see the Lord's hand in it all. And I think about how last year, at this time, I was looking forward to going to Westminster, but still slightly scarred on the fact that I'd gotten rejected from Oberlin, Colburn AND Swarthmore. And a bit sad that I only had two colleges to choose from. But just like I feel about this summer, I couldn't have asked for any different.

Anyway, on a different note- the internship! It's been going really well. I mean, at first I was nervous. And shy (and okay, I STILL am a bit, but I'm a natural introvert, and I'm pretty sure I always will be). But the staff there have been SO inviting. I imagined the typical story of the "intern" who dumps trash bins and gets coffee. But no. I've been treated as if I'm another staff member. It's been insanely amazing. And yesterday, I even got a basket full of chocolates put at my desk by someone! And I'm curious as to who put them there....but it really has been a great summer so far. I'm already looking forward to being back at school though! My friends have really become like my family, and I miss my closest friends a TON. But it has been good to reconnect with my family in the scattered moments that we get to spend together.

Anyway, time to prepare for another 5:00 a.m. morning!

Later,
Rachel

The World....

"Taking, as He did, this sinful world,as it is, not as I would have it...."
Sometimes those words echo in my mind. Times like tonight. Times when I get fed up with the huge amount of sin weighing in on me. I was in the middle of watching a movie with some friends when we started discussing all of the sin-issues on campus. Of course, none of my friends will label them as sin issues. Just "differences" or "abnormalities". But at points, I get fed up, and I have to leave the social circle to read the Bible, or to pray, or simply to reflect on what the Lord's purpose for me here on earth is. So why am I so agitated? And what sin topics arose? Things like who's bisexual or homosexual. The different drugs and pills people are using. The different drinks people are drinking. The lady who killed her husband out of self-defense, yet works here. I stepped away from the conversation for a couple of minutes after having all of this unloaded on me. And don't get me wrong; I do somewhat like to hear about what's going on on campus so I know who are the okay people; the people I can chat with, or study with, or hang out with. I also like to know who the "bad" people are; the people who drink, do drugs, smoke, are known to be extremely immoral, etc. Here, I don't have a choice to be choosy about having Christian friends, unfortunately. It's a matter of picking the people who aren't involved in as much sin, or the people who have respect for their parents and for their elders, or the people who work hard, etc. And again, don't get me wrong. I've been blessed to have a great group of friends to chill out with. It just gets tough sometimes. And sometimes, I do get that longing for heaven; for a place of no more sin. A place of fellowship.

Another thing that really irks me is how there is SUCH an emphasis on success here. So again, tonight, we were talking, and this one "wonder-guy" came up in conversation. Basically, he does it all. He's an amazing pianist, amazing vocalist, senior class president, from a rich family, he himself makes a lot of money (so much that he has money left over after paying his tuition every year), all while maintaining a solid 4.0 GPA. And all of those are great things. It's not like I'm jealous at all. I'm happy for people who have it so great. Very happy. But only if they are truly happy; only if their source of joy comes from the Lord and not something as shallow as the money or the fame. And after about two months of stifling my mouth every time I heard this guy's name mentioned and all of his "wonderfulness", I spoke up tonight unable to bear anymore. I was like, "You know, that's all great and stuff, but honestly, I wouldn't trade the life I have for his. At least I'm happy. And I'd much rather be happy than have all of that. " Immediately, my friends wanted to argue that he's happy too. I argued, "No, he's not. You look at him when he passes. He always looks sad. Or simply emotionless. Or stressed. But he never smiles. He's never happy. And he doesn't have a personality. And [I couldn't help but add] he's really not attractive at all." Naturally, my whole group of friends rose up to defend him once more with the excuse, "Well, he's that way because he's so stressed about keeping up with everything." So I added, "Exactly. And I'd much rather be happy than have to be stressed in order to have all of that. And there's so much more to life than riches and fame and perfect GPA's. There's happiness too." Of course, none of them understood what I was talking about. One of my friends said, "Um, not really." and everyone else but me nodded in agreement. I again said, "Yes, there is." and remained practically silent for the following ten minutes out of sheer aggravation. And frustration. And a little bit out of sadness too. Sad that they can't see anything more to life than that. Sad that to them, the best thing in life will be to make it to the Met, or to be in the New York Philharmonic. Sad that they're missing out on the joys of salvation, grace, happiness, contentment, and love that can only come from Christ all in exchange for the next dollar, or for the next status "up".

So I left. I left frustrated, and pondering. And immediately, the song "Lose My Soul" by TobyMac jumped in my head. And I tried to remember the verse that song was written after. So I looked it up. Mark 8:36-37 says, "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" And I realized for the first time in my life that it's a daily battle to remind myself of that verse. Especially during stressful academic times (like those that come around finals week...). It's very difficult to keep focused that the Lord is my light and my salvation; that the Lord has everything I'll ever need stored for me in Him. It's hard to remember that juries and grades don't define me; that is doesn't matter if I earn $8,000 or $800 next year. It's hard to remember that "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul." So I guess I just wanna write this post to remind anyone who might stumble across it that there is so much more to life than work, or grades, or finals week, or whatever else you may think defines life. It sounds so elementary, but there is. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6 That is all the strength and happiness I will ever need.

Later,
Rachel

So much for resolutions....

So much for my New Years' resolution to write on here at least once a week. Things get busy, and blogging falls last on my list of priorities when I have 19-hour school days. So much has happened since February. One, I've decided to stay at Westminster Choir College. I decided through much prayer, thought, and input from my friends and piano teacher from WI that I should give my current teacher another semester before I make my final decision. I was so sick the first semester that I was incapable of giving my best to my piano teacher. This semester, I was so focused on last semester being terrible that I decided I wanted to transfer. Then I focused on audition repertoire for transferring as well as audition repertoire for competitions. Trying to perfect 15 early advanced to advanced piano pieces all at once was literally impossible for me to do. Hence, I really have been incapable of giving my teacher my all this semester and last semester. I hope and pray that next semester will be better piano-wise. I have also structured my time much better this semester. I'm getting between 4 and 6 hours of sleep a night rather than random all-nighters here and there and averaging 3 hours of sleep a night. However, in the past week, thanks to the overabundance of pollen everywhere (with New Jersey apparently being the worst state in the country for pollen right now), I believe I've developed allergies. So not fun. The past week, I've felt miserable. I've never had to deal with seasonal allergies before. As far as this summer goes, I will be accompanying church services in River Falls again. I will also be taking piano lessons somewhere in the twin cities (I'm waiting for my piano teacher to get back to me with which of her colleagues she'd like me to study with over the summer...she literally has connections around the nation and even a few around the world). I am currently attempting to get an internship at a couple of arts organizations to build my skills and resume over the summer. I guess the more I study Arts Administration, the more I realize I could be quite happy being an arts administrator. That doesn't mean I enjoy it as much as playing or performing piano. But it's something I could see myself doing if all else failed. This upcoming fall, I have a job opportunity that I have to discuss more with my parents. A program coordinator for a middle/high school for kids with disabilities asked me to coordinate a music program for the fall. The pay is incredibly amazing. But far greater than the pay, the experience would be amazing. And the possible impact I could have on some of the kids would be even greater. And although I definitely don't want to be a music teacher for the rest of my life, I think I'd get a lot of joy out of bringing music into kids' lives, most of whom probably feel like they don't have a place to fit. And maybe music can bring the kids together. And greater than that, maybe the Lord can use me to make an impact on their lives. Anyway, I need to get back to writing my 70-page final project for arts admin.
Later,
Rachel

On the nature of guy friends

So as this semester at Westminster restarted, I realized that I wanted to be more focused on practice time and more focused on getting a couple of girl friends to add to my three-musketeer group of me and my two close guy friends. I realized that I didn't wanna go through the drama of last semester. But drama-rama is back. Last night, knowing that we'd probably have a snow day today, me and my group of now six-musketeers (me, my two close guy friends, and three other girls) watched a movie. After the movie, we had girl-talk, which I haven't had in a VERY long time. For the past four years or so, all of my closest friends in whatever social arena I'm in have been guys. So last night, they confronted me on my best guy friend. The same guy who asked me out at the end of last semester, and I told no (I had also e-mailed him a couple of times over break, reinstating that I really wasn't interested in a relationship and I just want to stay friends). They told me that he's legit madly in love with me, and that I really need to talk to him again so that he can get over me. They've told me in the past that he's told them he's concerned that I'm going to end up getting hurt by some guy, and he couldn't stand to see me get hurt because he cares so much for me. They also added that they think he's a great guy and he treats me amazingly, and that if they were me, they wouldn't give up a guy who loves me that much for the world. In my mind, there are two things that are preventing me from going out with him. Maybe three. He's a great guy with a great personality, and even though he sometimes acts like a total jerk (literally, acts..... he 's like a ciabatta roll: very hard on the outside and very sarcastic, but really soft on the inside), he's insanely sweet and he totally treats me like a princess. He's also by far the best vocalist (male or female) in the freshman class, and one of the best on campus (one of my friends' teachers told her that he will have an amazing career as a vocalist), and he has asked me to accompany him twice, although both times, the plans fell through (once because I was in bed sick, and once because he's going to watch a show at the Metropolitan Opera instead of competing in a competition). And it does cross my mind that since he will probably have a spectacular career, I could be a part of that by being his accompanist. But 1.) he's not a believer. I've witnessed to him on several occasions. And he seems responsive to what I'm saying. Of course that's by the Lord's grace, but I think a lot of it is that I really pray to live out what I say I believe. And I don't look down on people who don't. And I don't treat people who don't believe in the Lord any differently; I just share my convictions with them just as openly as I would with any believer. And he sees the hypocrisy in the lives of the people here on campus who call themselves Christians, and we've even discussed some of that stuff. I'm not saying I'm perfect; there are the times that I laugh at stuff I shouldn't or say stuff that's definitely on the border between right or wrong. But I believe the Lord grants grace even with that, and most of the time, I'll even apologize after saying stuff that's "on the border". 2.) I'm really not physically attracted to him at all. It's not that he's really ugly. I mean, if he lost 100 pounds, he'd be fantastic. And I've contemplated helping him lose weight, because I do have the know-how to put a diet program together. But I feel like even if he lost weight, even if he was the hottest guy in the world, I wouldn't want to lose our amazing friendship to a relationship. And I think that's where friendships with guys become complicated. More times than not, when a guy and a girl are really close friends, one of the two ends up falling for the other. And a lot of times, the other person isn't interested. My gal friends told me that he's the type of guy who'd get hurt be being led-on. But what is "led-on"? And furthermore, what is a relationship? Is it just a friendship with physical stuff going on? Or is it when even without a physical relationship, you feel as if there's no one in the world who you could possibly love as much as the person you're with? Is it when you feel as though you can take any hurt or pain that person gives you, and still love them more than any other person on earth? Is it when you don't care whether the person is in a wheelchair, or obese, or purple, or sickly because regardless, you're still going to be there for them and love them? Is it when you picture spending every waking moment with them? Is it when you can get into any argument, face any frustration, and face any trial and still come through together? And for believers, is it when you can discuss something with that person and not just hear the cliché,"I'll pray for you", knowing it will never happen, but you actually get fellowship, and encouragement from the Word of God? If not, then I want to know what a relationship is. And I don't know if I should tell my friend the primary reason I could never date him is because at this point, he's not a believer. It might push him further away from Christianity. He'd view me as another self-righteous Christian snob. And I don't know if it's right for me to confront him at all; to tell him that I'm still not interested and never will be, so he should just give up and fall in love with someone else. And maybe he's right about me. Maybe I'm just really unsure of what I want, but I want to act like I know what I want because there's the pain of uncertainty that comes with not knowing who that special someone is. All I know is that he has a heart, and a soul. And as a friend, I don't want to break his heart by "leading him on" and not re-confronting him. But I also don't want to break his heart by telling him that I'll probably never like him, "like that". I guess deep down inside somewhere, I do like him. But at this point in my life, I don't love him. And when I was little, I decided that I'd never want to date a guy I didn't want to marry. And I wouldn't want to marry a guy I don't love. And so, this is the complication that comes with having a very close guy friend, and I just don't know how to deal with it. *Sigh* I guess this post has nothing to do with anything. Other than the nature of guy friends, and how confused I am about how this society views dating relationships, and how I should view them from a Biblical perspective.
Later,
Rachel

Keep Smiling

So lately, I've had a lot going on in my life. I've been extremely stressed because of family things going on, the stress of being here at Westminster, the stress of not knowing for sure whether or not I should stay here, the stress of having a teacher who doesn't seem totally "for" me, and the stress of trying to prepare for two competitions on my own (which means memorizing two pretty major pieces in like 3 days, and trying to have them perfected in less than 3 weeks). If that doesn't spell stressed out, I don't know what does. But I've been somewhat convicted on the way I've been carrying myself. The conviction sorta stemmed from a situation during lunch on Monday. I prayed before lunch, and one of the girls at the table said,"Are you okay? Are you crying?" I was like, "Yeah, I'm fine, just praying." Then one of my friends (who is always sarcastic, but I've had a few chances to witness to him, and he's been surprisingly receptive) said, "Well if you pray, shouldn't you be smiling? Like, you don't smile anymore. You used to smile all the time. So does praying make you sad?" Even though he was being sarcastic, I was convicted because I realized, the world is watching me. The world is watching my response to trials to see if the God I talk about really exists; to see if He really brings joy, to see if maybe there is some security in having a Savior, to see if He really exists or if Christians are just religious fanatics who believe in nonsensical invisible things. And this morning, I read a devotional that had the verse 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 as the basis for the devotional. It reads, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me,'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" For some reason, I don't remember ever seeing that verse before. But that is my comfort; that His grace is sufficient for me. And thus, I don't need to stress. Because if I fear anything or if I'm stressed about things, I'm ultimately being a bad testimony. And on Sunday, I was also moved during church service. We sang "How Firm a Foundation" For some reason, the words and the verses totally popped out at me. It was like, they were sent to me from the Lord; a small reminder that He truly still cares for me, and He hasn't forgotten about me, but that instead, He's using these trials to grow me in Him. And after we finished singing, a baby yelled out, "YAY!" Of course, the congregation chuckled. I did too. But I wanted to cry. Because I felt like it was the voice of God coming out of a baby (I do realize that God doesn't speak through people anymore, so no, I'm not a crazed charismatic or anything; it just FELT like that), saying that He was glad that I was finding joy in Him. Anyway, I guess I really didn't have a point to this post other than to encourage you to keep smiling in the midst of your trials (and I know how hard it is to do), whatever they may be. Because the world really is watching. The world is curious about your faith, and what sets it apart from other faiths/religions. And if you're not happy and content and finding joy in the Lord, why should they have any reason to believe that they will if they come to know Him? "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Later,
Rachel

Unsure

So much for keeping up with blogging weekly. *Sigh* The past couple of weeks have been pretty intense for me. The stress never stops. Anyway, to say the least, I'm seriously considering transferring colleges. I'm not totally positive, but the biggest factor is that I feel like I'm not really connecting with my current teacher, and I'm always stressed here. Like honestly, the Lord has granted me the grace to be able to put up with the sin issues, so that's not the issue. But I really want to be in an environment where I can enjoy music. And here, I honestly can't. I think it's a great college to go to if you're a music ed major. Or if you're a vocal major. But for me, I feel like music is becoming more work than enjoyment, and I've always feared that. I decided to major in music because I love it. Sure, you can "hit the jackpot" and make a lot of money if you have all the right connections. But as of right now, I'm scared that I'll graduate from here and be like the 90% of Juilliard graduates who drop music altogether after graduation because of the intense pressure they had put on them while in college. Or be in a straightjacket. But recently, because of all of the stress, I've started doing some songwriting. And as much as I abhor theory, I'm constantly learning about chord progressions which helps me with the musical side of it. But I've also started learning that to write a song, every other line of the poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme. It can be written more like prose, and turn out okay. Anyway, I need to finish writing out one of my application essays. And I feel like I'm having a dejavu of last spring. *sigh* Later,
Rachel

In the valley

So, I have survived my first week of my second semester of college. But barely. As soon as I got back on campus (literally, the night I got back) I got sick. Again. I ended up getting something that, according to my mom and brother (who yes, I texted pictures of my throat to), looked like mono or tonsilitis. I had a strep test come back negative though, so whatever it was was viral. But I had a difficult time breathing because I had congestion and my throat was slowly closing up due to my swelling tonsils. :( Add to that having a fever which stayed between 100 and 102.6 for a few days. I barely made it through all of my classes all week (trying to do soprano I choir hearings with a closed up throat was not fun. At all). But today, I'm feeling a lot better. And a few things dawned on me. First off, I'm weak and I'm very sickly. And I know that. In fact, although I'm feeling much better today, I woke up with blurred vision and another back spasm deal. And my neck has been having some minor spasms these past few days too. And it's like, I've realized that I have a really really weak system. Not only that, but I'm extremely weak. In all ways. Emotionally, physically, mentally (my roommate and I were laughing at all of the ditzy things I do this evening), and even in my piano playing. Sure, I love piano, but as much as I hate to say it, my friend Nikita has a legitimate point when he brags off and claims that I can't play the pieces he can. He's right. It's not that I can't play them. I can, as far as reading the notes go. They just don't sound as good because physically, I'm not capable of producing really loud tones on the piano. My small hands don't let me reach huge chords. Sure, the light delicate stuff sounds pretty and makes people cry. But sometimes, it does get to me that pieces which I LOVE to hear, I'm completely incapable of playing because of the physical limitations I have. And when I'm sick, I realize that I'm even weaker than weak. I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day, and she was saying she was considering pulling me out of college because of how sick I seem to be getting. And that when I get sick, it's not just a cold. It's a life or death issue. And my body pulls every little bit of strength it can from everywhere in my body. Including my back and neck. And even my eyeballs. And I even had a freak-out night where I was bawling and my roommate wouldn't let me go to bed until I told her what was wrong. I told her I already had so little space left in my throat and that I was scared that my throat would just close up on me during the night and that I'd lay in bed helpless and suffocating and that I really wasn't scared of dying, but I just didn't wanna die a really slow painful death like that. And I ended up reflecting on my life, and considering that in the past year, I believe that (thank the Lord, of course) a lot of things have been made right in my life within the past 6 months. Namely my relationship with my parents. So I just prayed that if I died, that the Lord would take me in my sleep and not let me die of suffocation. I know it probably seems like I'm just being dramatic. But until you realize your next breath is truly not promised, you don't know if oxygen can even pass through your throat to your lungs, and that breath isn't something to take for granted, you don't realize that life is just a handbreadth. You don't realize that your last moment could be now. And with me, I'm so constantly sick that it just seems like I don't have a choice but to live as if every day were my last. And I also realized something today as I was walking to my dorm. There's a slight valley from the student center to the dorm. And it was quite chilly this evening. And windy. And for the first time, I realized that sometimes, like in the winter, or when it's windy, I WANT to be in the valley. To get shielded from the wind, and the snow, and the cold. To get shielded from everything that's "up there". And I thought about how in my spiritual life, so often I pray, "Oh Lord, take me out of this valley!! You've led me here, I hate it here, it's too hard here, I want to be UP THERE! You don't know what you're doing!" And I know He hears my ignorant cries. Like when I'm sick and praying for health. But sometimes, He keeps me in the valley anyway. To shield me from the chaos that resides "up there". He knows what He's doing. And whenever I'm in the valley, I resist at first, but somehow, He always draws me closer to Himself. When I'm in bed feeling like I'm on my deathbed, staring at my dorm room door just hoping and praying that perhaps someone will come in just to talk to me, I realize that I have the Lord to talk to. All the time. And I'm forced to talk to Him. It's sorta like God's "grounding" period for me. Like when I'm grounded at home, eventually, I'm forced to talk things out with my parents. Because I have no other option. I have no one else to talk to. And a lot of times, that's the way God works too. And although I hate going through it, I love the outcome. I love feeling close to Him. I love knowing that He's my best friend. Anyway, I have theory homework to get on (yay for sightreading a viola cleff!).
Later,
Rachel

On the nature of music.....

Today I had the most epic five-minute experience of my life. I got to play on the Ordway Center's main stage. My mom and I came to the Ordway because they were having their 25-year celebration. They had a "25-seconds of fame" deal (which ended up being more like 2 or 3 minutes.... or as many minutes as you wanted if no one else was waiting in line) where anyone could get on the Ordway stage and play whatever they wanted. Or sing. My mom wanted me to sing, but I didn't wanna. Yet, I remembered the time she told me to get Coach boots at Herberger's that were on sale for $10. I didn't wanna because I'd never heard of the brand. She told me I'd regret it, but I didn't know what the brand "Coach" was (gimme a break, I was 12), so I didn't get them. Guess who regrets not getting those Coach boots to this day? And I figured, just like the Coach boots, I'd probably regret not singing. Because she wanted me to. So what do you do when you have 5 minutes to decide on a song to sing or a piece to play? I debated between Jars of Clay's "The Valley Song" and Debussy's Clair De Lune. I decided to sing first. And a reporter from the Pioneer Press took my picture while I was playing/singing. After I finished, he told me that was great and said that Jars of Clay is a great group and he did a semi-interview with me. I told him I wanted to be a concert pianist; that I mainly play classical music but that I sang because my mom wanted me to. He asked me what it felt like to be up there. On the Ordway stage. And that's when it hit me.
What did it feel like? I thought for a minute and then responded with, "Not as bad as I thought it'd be." He laughed and said, "Well besides not bad, how did it feel?" Honestly, it didn't feel. I was nervous about getting up there because of the 30ish people that were watching me. And because I have a fear of extremely large concert halls (and small enclosed) spaces. But then he asked me, "Or how did you think it would feel?" I told him I thought it'd be scary. I've always thought that if someone was performing, they'd see the thousands of people out of the corner of their eye, freak out, and continue playing just because they had to because they had a sold out show. And because they wanted to show off all the years of dedication and talent it took to get there. But honestly, on stage, I couldn't really see the auditorium. Like the lights were so bright that I couldn't see anything out of the corner of my eye. And as far as what I felt? I felt music. I felt calm. I felt like nothing else could really make me happier than to call a stage like that my home. It was THE most amazing five minutes of my life. And then I went back up about 20 minutes later to play Clair De Lune.
But something struck me while I was waiting to sing. A cellist who looked about 40-ish years old got up there to play some cello piece. She didn't play all the right notes. A lot of them were actually wrong. And her tempo was way off; in fact, I didn't really know if she had an internal tempo going on in her head. The whole thing seemed to be a muddled mess of rubato followed my accelerando. But it dawned on me that perhaps 20 years ago, she was where I was. For all I know, she could've even been a Juilliard graduate. But maybe somewhere down the line, she gave up. Or got discouraged. Or figured that graduating from college was more important than loving music. And I thought about Lucia Micarelli, who I consider one of the best concert violinists of the 21st century. I watched a youtube video of her. And she's a college dropout. She went to Juilliard and then the Manhattan school of music. She said she dropped out because she realized, she just LOVED music and college was only making her love it less and less. She said all she wanted to do was play. And play. And play. But that she had rent to pay, and living in NYC, rent doesn't come cheap. So she took all the gigs that she could. And ended up where she is today. A world-traveling soloist. And I thought about where I'm at at Westminster. Last semester was insane. The time it takes to be a music major is like having a full time job on top of 17 credits. I can see why so many people switch majors or drop out or go to non-music schools. It's not mentally challenging, but it is VERY tiring. And I realized, I don't want to necessarily be a college dropout. But for the next couple of years, I will stick to the 12-14 credits and see what happens. Because I want to take time to not only perfect music for juries and my lessons, but to play music. For fun. Because I love it and because I think it's beautiful, not because someone else tells me to play it to meet a requirement. So even though I dunno if I'll be in the Pioneer Press tomorrow morning or make a debut at the Ordway Center 3 years from now, I know that I want to play music. And play. And play. I want to touch the piano keys. I want to hear the warm sounds of a 7 chord. I want to feel the calm that comes with playing a Chopin Nocturne, and the rush of adrenaline that comes with playing the Diabolic Inspiration by Prokofiev. I want to not feel. To not feel anything but music rushing through me. And I want to do whatever it takes to get that feeling. Later,
Rachel

New Start

I haven't written on here for a while, mainly out of busyness. But I'm glad that at least for the next two weeks, I can relax, if only a little bit. This past semester proved to be very difficult, but I thank the Lord that I made it through. At the beginning of October, I had back spasms which sent me to the ER and made me miss half a week of classes. Then I got a really bad cold/flu deal right afterwards. Then I got a series of fevers, and nosebleeds, and I ended up missing another week of classes. Then when I came home for Thanksgiving, due to flight schedules, I missed two days of classes. Needless to say, in college, missing two weeks of classes in a semester REALLY puts you behind. There are the professors that understood and didn't count the absences against me since I still managed to get my homework done. Yet, I really started hating being forced to miss classes because I realized that even missing one day put me really far behind, and I had to try to digest the material on my own. On top of that (and partially because of that), I was living off of 2-6 hours of sleep every night. I can probably count on one hand how many days I got in bed (and stayed in bed without my roommie bringing in people or having friends come in and tell me, "It's only 1 a.m. What are you doing in bed already?!") before midnight. Then there was the stress towards the end of the semester of finals, and being asked out by two of the 4 available straight guys in freshman class and having a very difficult time saying no. Then there was the difficulty of being encouraged by Bible study, but having that encouragement slapped down by the way people lived their lives. And there was the stress of walking in on my roommate having drinking parties in our room and asking her to leave, even though I'd already discussed with her that I don't want any drinking in the room. There was the stress of feeling alone a lot, because as people got to know who I really am, they started dividing from me. At first, everyone was cool with me being "the quiet girl", but as I started to speak up based on conviction, people (including professors) got really irritated at me. One day, I had my English professor debate abortion with me in front of my entire writing class for 45 minutes. Then a few classes later, he proceeded to dissect my paper against abortion in front of the class (although since it was an opinionated research essay, he ended up being the one looking pretty silly because he could only debate that I didn't include anything about tax money spent on foster care and add that my thesis statement should be at the end of the paper, not the beginning). However, as fretful as I was about that, the Lord ended up turning that around as well, and I ended up doing really well in the course. Piano last semester was interesting though. I felt like I was every other major except for piano. The coursework kept me so busy that I hardly had any time to practice. I was really nervous about my jury, but thankfully it went alright. Despite all the trials this past semester, the Lord has really been good to me. He's granted me the ability to say "no" (I swear, that two-letter word is the hardest word to come out of my mouth. Saying it seriously makes me want to cry), and if I've learned nothing else this semester, I'm thankful for that.

This semester, things will be a bit different. I'm going to be getting a new roommate (who is also a Christian and has the same moral standards as me.... in fact, she seems even a bit more strict on some things than I am, which is totally cool).I am thinking of dropping one of my courses, since 17 credits last semester drove me insane. It's impossible to be expected to study and do well in the humanities courses and spend 4 to 5 hours a day practicing piano. Yet, I need 4 to 5 hours a day to practice piano, especially this semester considering that I have three competitions I'd like to enter (2 of which I am definitely entering) and my pieces this semester are a lot more difficult than they were last semester (although they still probably aren't as difficult as they could be). On top of possibly dropping a course, I plan to add a minor in arts administration. I figure that at least if I have a minor in administration, then if things go downhill with music and I can't get a job as a performer or an orchestral accompanist (although I really pray that doesn't happen), at least I'd be able to get a job with a decent paycheck. I've also decided against minoring in voice, because a minor won't mean anything but more coursework for me, and since I'm already singing in choir and voice class at least 7 hours a week, it really wouldn't add very much of a bonus. I'm also praying about what to do this upcoming summer. I really want to come back home, and so I'm looking for any performing opportunities (or accompanying opportunities) possible. I have 2 church pianist jobs set up so far if I do come back home. Yet it seems like all of the great music opportunities are on the East Coast, so part of me wants to stay in New Jersey. On top of that, I don't have a piano teacher here, and if I did get one, there's the whole deal of having to either drive to the U of Minnesota or MacPhail Center for the Arts every week of the summer for lessons. There's just so much to consider. Anyway, I really need to practice, but I will try to keep this blog updated much better this year (It's one of my resolutions, along with writing in my diary every day, regardless of how busy or tired I am :D)!

Later,
Rachel