Stressed to the max

This week has been REALLY rough for me. I already wrote about how tough Sunday was, and it has only gotten worse. On Monday, my piano lesson went absolutely TERRIBLE! I forgot literally EVERY piece and I've had all of them memorized for at least a month. And the one piece that I've had memorized for 6 months (which I'm playing this Saturday for the Thursday Musical...which my teacher is the president of...so if I do bad, I feel like I'm ruining her reputation), I forgot. Completely. I had to turn back in my book and look up like EVDRY SINGLE PHRASE! I told my teacher I didn't know what was up, and she said that maybe it's just the pre-performing syndrome where you have this "I-CAN'T-DO-THIS-PERFORMANCE-I-DON'T-KNOW-THE-PIECE" sorta thing going on in the back of your head. Sigh. Then, she mentioned a camp at Northwestern college that she was excited about telling me about, and (since I did some research on camps last week) I told her about this camp at Eastman which I was really excited about telling her about. I did tell her thankyou for the pamphlet about the Northwestern college camp, but I'm afraid that I came off as a bit of an ungrateful brat or something. Sigh. And I did send her another thankyou e-mail, but that's still been bugging me. Then Tuesday, I was still overwhelmed with the piano stuff. And Wednesday. And today I had practice at the St. Paul Conservatory, and I KEPT MESSING UP on simple parts and we play for the Schubert Club next Thursday! YIKES! Plus I'm playing on a harpsichord at the concert next Thursday....and that's another big stresser because I played the harpsichord today and the keys are TINY (like...MAYBE 3 inches long or something) and you hafta press REALLY hard to even get a sound, and you can't play any loud/soft dynamics on a harpsichord no matter how hard you press! And if you press too lightly, you get no sound at all! So.....I'm just really stressed out. However, I did talk to Josh and he really encouraged me by reminding me that I'm not playing for my teacher's fame or anything, but it's all about Christ. So that's what I will pray about focusing on throughout the next few weeks. Later,
sweetggirl

Life in general is just plain hard....okay, AND very confusing

Well, I did take the SAT yesterday. I think and hope that it went well....IDK though. I guess I'll find out when I get my results back. Yesterday was quite tiring though. Like.....serious brain overload. Like after the first half hour (or, okay, the first ten minutes even), I got really sidetracked and started thinking about stuff TOTALLY not pertaining to the SAT. And I TRIED to get myself to focus, but despite my efforts, I kept having these random thoughts. And then I read the sentences in the grammar stuff. It was like reading French. I couldn't make much sense out of it, but tried to manage to make sense out of it...if that makes any sense. However, I DIDN'T bring fudge or ice cream or red bull to the test and stuff. And I managed to turn off my light (WITHOUT sneaking and writing in my diary with my cell phone flashlight) before 10:30 the night before the test. Yay for me! So yeah. Then today we visited a different church again. Which I don't mind anymore I guess. I mean, now it's like sorta habit I guess.....so yeah. The "worship" songs were Christian Rock though. I mean, I knew like two of the songs, but...I will admit that it was innapropriate for a worship service. Like, the guitarist was awesome, but all you could think about was how well he was jamming on his electric guitar, not about Christ or anything. And then communion time came. And, okay, I haven't been to a communion service since I started this gluten-free stuff. So once my mom passed me the plate with bread chunks on it, I asked her "Mom, what am I supposed to do?" She just shrugged her shoulders. I don't think that she heard me. Then I passed it to Aaron, and he looked like concerned, not realizing that I wasn't taking it because I couldn't. Sigh. Then I seriously wanted to cry. And my eyes did get teary. Which messed up my eyeliner. Like I cared. I was just happy that I didn't end up outbursting in sobs. But I did learn that I should carry a gluten-free cracker in my Bible at all times. So yeah. And the message was okay....but just okay. Like, the pastor really put things in perspective for me. He was talking about how very few of us would give up eating, but how often most of us neglect feeding ourselves spiritual food. He showed a picture of this guy that stopped eating for 60 days. Then he said that most of us don't eat spiritually more than once per week. And as I know, for some, it could be never. So how spiritually malnourished are alot of professing believers? And if a person had an army, surely they wouldn't put out guys on the front lines who ate once a week. The army would get killed. Yet as believers, we engage in spiritual warfare every single moment of our lives, and how often do we feed ourselves spiritually? A "candy" spiritual book like what I like to read (and not like those are bad, because Christian literature is definately important, it just shouldn't take the place of God's Word)? Or feasting on the Bible, spiritual food, God-breathed inspiration and revelation? Anyway....this is really long. Sorry. Later,

AHAHA! OH MY GOSH! This is so funny...describes how to ace the SAT...NOT!,LOL

ROTFLMBO...while being lame...and getting ready to study for the SAT this Saturday, I was gonna tune into some youtube music (I know, I know, TERRIBLE study habit that my mom consistently tries to break, but...ya know....it makes studying more....relaxing..?) and it's SOOOOO funny. Oh my gosh,LOL. ROTFLMBO

This song is like....my life's theme song,LOL

Okay, my two favorite lines in this song are "I studied classical piano when I could've been playing guitar" (because I sorta have a tendency to wanna just...go punk for a while and I think that guitar is "cooler" than piano,LOL) amd "I don't care how I'm supposed to do my hair" because...well, I have some pretty wild hair days....like I care,LOL.

Not Cool- Scott Krippayne (I think that's how you spell his last name,LOL)

I absolutely love this song

And I'm not sure why. Maybe because it's like....the song is describing me or something. IDK. But it's really encouraging to me...or maybe I'm jsut weird,LOL.

Frail- Jars Of Clay

Missing Josh like CRAZY!

Okay, Josh just left this morning....but I'M SO SAD! :( Surprisingly, I didn't cry this morning when I said bye. I guess that there's a first time for everything though. Including not crying when he SLOWLY leaves the car. But I won't be seeing him until probably the middle of June this year, and maybe not even then, depending on what I do this summer.Sigh. He has seriously been a huge source of spiritual encouragement to me though. So yeah. I MISS HIM! Oh well, so tis life....enough complaining. So yeah. But I'm seriously starting to reconsider some "future" life plans. Like....I have planned since like fifth grade to go to the same college Josh is going to in California. Maybe because I've never seriously investigated anything else. Maybe simply because I want a change in climate because I want warm weather. But now I'm starting to think that maybe I should go to a Conservatory. And I'm not sure why. I mean, it's TOTALLY opposite my plans. I mean, all of the good consevatories are on the east coast with cold weather in the winter and....IDK. Maybe it's a God thing. Or maybe I'm just being really lame and two months from now I'll be positive that I wanna still go to the same college in California. Something to pray about I guess. But the thing is, if I do plan on going to a Conservatory, I'll hafta start working on a portfolio and stuff. Sigh. Alot to consider. Anyway, today I went shopping (yay for me...I might go again tomorrow too, so I'm excited!) and my mom and I also ate dinner with one of her friends. And that was the first time I've eaten out with this wheat-free stuff. My mom's friend was all concerned that all I would eat is a salad, and the waitress kept running back and forth listing off the ingredients that were in each item. I felt like a total nuisance. Other than that, NM has happened today. I'm extremely tired though bc I woke up at 4 a.m. (yawn), so....I'll stop typing. :D Later,
sweetggirl

I really don't have a title for this post, LOL :)

So, lately I've been really busy...I'm not sure what with. But I have been doing some crazy-cool stuff with Josh. We've been snowboarding down the driveway (yes, on ice). And today, Josh had this "great" idea. He told me to hop on the back of the snowboard (yup, with HIM having the straps, and me just standing on the edge). Kay, I know that it was REALLY dumb for me to do it, but...for some reason, when people ask me to do really crazy stuff, I do it. So anyway, I did it, and Josh decided to hop off, leaving me on the back with NO STRAPS. Then I tried to hop off....without snow around (so basically, I jumped on the ice, unlike Josh, who, when he jumped off had the snow as a cusion). That didn't work too well because obviously, I had like no traction. So I slid, and ended up coming to an abrupt stop where there was no ice and there were just rocks and I got cut through my jeans (um, no, I didn't wear my snowpants,LOL). My mom was all like, "What has gotten into you? You used to be so prissy and now you're like a little tomboy." in this joking tone of voice. So yeah. And then we went shopping and I BEGGED my mom to go to saver's because they had skiis. So Josh and I bought 2 pairs of skiis, 2 pairs of poles, and one pair of ski boots, all for under $30! I'm not kidding! And the skiis look sorta girly, so I'm happy about that. So yeah. Anyway, yesterday, I was reading the story about Lot and stuff and....whenever I read that story, I just am so shocked that Lot didn't go out and evangelize to the city. I mean, the Bible doesn't say that he knew that the Lord would save the city for the sake of 10 righteous people, but still...you'd think that he'd have been evangelizing like the whole time. Which really convicted me. I mean, for some reason, it seems SO HARD for me to evangelize to my nonbelieving "friends" who I keep in contact with. It's like, I don't know where the fine line is between simply evangelizing, and cramming the Bible down someone's throat. I know that I'm supposed to be lead by the Spirit, and that will solve everything, but it's still difficult to know how much is too much. And it's like no one ever mentions anything remotely spiritual to me that would give me a chance to use for evangelism! And like...when they mention stuff that's perverted, what do you say? After all, the Bible tells us not to judge those in the world, but to only hold believers accountable. Anyway, I have this poem that I'm writing for school, and going back and forth between poetry and writing in this blog isn't really working for me,LOL. Later,
sweetggirl

SAT stands for....Super-difficult Academic Tests

I will be taking the SAT on January 26th. I'm sorta nervous...even though it's like a month away. I mean, to a degree, I realize that the numbers don't measure my capability TOTALLY, but they do sorta determine where I can go in life. So I'm nervous about that and I will pray about it. But since I'm taking it, I'll hafta spend less time on the computer :(. I'm not too happy about that....but hey, something has to give, and it can't be piano because competition season is coming up so I have to practice, practice, practice, practice, practice....kay, you get my point. But I've been reading this book called "The Power of a Praying Tenn". It's REALLY good and really encouraging. One thing really hit me. And that is that we don't have to let our emotions control us. The chapter was talking about taking our minds captive. And usually I think of that as guarding my mind from sinful influences. But the author really hit home when she said that just because we FEEL down or depressed or fearful or whatever, we don't have to let that take control of our lives and continue to walk in depression, or fear, or anything like that. Instead we have to take it to the Lord and let him help us through those times and if we are not feeling down, depressed, or guilty because of sin in our lives, we need to ask him to take those feelings away. And I thought about the verse somewhere in Psalms, where David asks the Lord, "Restore to me the joy of my salvation." I really need to keep that verse in the front of my mind, because it is SO easy to be burdened by feelings of anxiety and whatnot for no reason inparticular. So yeah. *Stepping off of my soapbox* I'm REALLY excited though, bc tomorrow, we are going to the church that we used to go to before we moved in Minnesota, and afterwards, we are going over to a friend's house who I haven't seen in three years! I'm so excited! Plus, one of my friends from camp who is a percussionist (who aslo told me he wants to be a pastor) is performing at Carnegie Hall! I'm dead serious! Crazy stuff. Lucky guy! And then Monday, I start a new semester with school....dum dum dum dum.....Anyway, I hafta study for the SAT, so I better get going. Later,
sweetggirl

New Year, and....No wheat for me, PLEASE! (and pretty please, don't ask if I want anything that has wheat in it)

So, as you all know, (I THINK you all know), the past couple of days I've been avoiding wheat. My mom and I went shopping for some specifically "gluten-free" snacks and bread and....yeah, all that rock-hard stuff. But I'm thankful that at lesat we FOUND stuff that I can eat. Especially Luna bars. Gosh, those things are heavenly. What's been the hardest in all of this stuff for me is when my brothers ask me, "Hey Rachel, you want some of this?" forgetting that it's not that I don't WANT any, but I can't HAVE any. Or like yesterday, my mom was like, "Rachel, why don't you go get a doughnut?" forgetting that I CAN'T have one. Or like today, we went over to someone's house, and even though I brought my own home-made gluten-free pizza, they forgot I couldn't eat anything with wheat in it. So of course, they're all like, "Rachel, don't you want anything else?" and then a quick response of, "Oh, sorry. I forgot." and then a switch of subjects to, "Yeah, my kids just don't know when to stop eating. They'll eat and eat and eat until you tell them to stop." And then my aunt telling my mom I look sick, frail, and terribly thin. And....I guess my first impulse is is a heartless and disrespectful, "SHUT UP!! I CAN'T HAVE ANY! AND I LOOK FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" I have a feeling that MAYBE the Lord is trying to teach me to have ALOT of patience and graciousness with people (which I used to think was pretty easy....that is USED to). And maybe a bit of self-control. I mean, sure I could have self-control when I could have anything I wanted to (maybe even to an extreme degree), but during the past week, I've had urges (and okay, I've given in) to eat things that are "banned", only to break out like crazy and start to get a really severe reaction afterwards. So yeah. Maybe I AM learning something through all of this. Besides just getting bitter, frustrated, and depressed. Anyway....yeah, today my fam went over to some friends' house (the same fam we had over 4 Christmas) and while we were painting nails, their daughters mentioned Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy. And it really hit me hard, like, what type of a society have we turned into where you have an eight-year-old wondering about these things?! Like, I didn't even THINK about those things until maybe a year or two ago (or okay, probably until camp this summer when it was just all surrounding me like crazy). And there's this 8-year-old wondering about this stuff. It's SO sad. Anyway, this is getting really long, so...I'll stop typing,LOL. HAPPY NEW YEAR! Later,
sweetggirl