Lately, I've had somewhat of a hard time trusting the Lord. I'll be honest - saying I'm going to be SO incredibly confident in what the Lord has given me isn't easy. For me, it's pretty much impossible. I guess that once again, I'm having a hard time not being the pilot of my life. And lately, it seems that not only have I given up piloting my life, but the Lord has also taken away most of my navigation skills too. For one of the first times in my life, I'm unsure of so many things. Example 1.) - there's this guy that's suddenly come into my life out of nowhere. I don't know him all that well, but he seems like everything I've ever prayed for. He's so Christ-like in his conduct, he's hilarious, he's a musician, and he's just generally cool. The only deal is, he's a bit older than me. Okay, more like, 9 years. On top of that, he goes to my church (like, my = Minnesota), and I'm in New Jersey 3/4 of the year. So, I considered transferring schools, thinking that maybe the Lord has a plan for him in my life. In fact, even though I wanted to go to Austria this summer, I held off, hoping that something might click between us if I'm home for three months. And I'm so unsure of what the Lord is doing, and what I'm supposed to do to follow His lead. There seems to be a ton of signs that this guy is IT. But I'm not sure if the Lord is simply using this guy to draw me closer to Him, and maybe this guy isn't for me at all. Example 2 - this summer, I'm staying home. I've had a couple of people come up to me to tell me that they'd love to help promote my music career. Sweet, huh? Like, I know of 3 different people I could go to in order to develop a demo. I know of a couple of people who want to promote me, and get performance opportunities too. And now, I'm unsure again. Unsure of if I should be a songwriter, or a classical pianist. I've come to understand that you know the Lord's will by staying close to Him - by walking with Him, fellowshipping with Him, repenting to Him, and spending time basking in His wondrous love and mercy. Yet, sometimes I feel like there's still this uncertainty. Like maybe my desires are still fleshly, because afterall, I am still human. I'm fallen, and even though I feel close to the Lord, what if I'm deceiving myself into believing that my desires are the Lord's? It's all so confusing to me. And trust. Oh, trust is so hard. I can sometimes understand why Peter sank in the ocean when he tried to walk on water. Yeah, he could see Christ standing right before his very eyes. But then again, so can I. I see Christ working all around me, and yet, I don't trust Him. How wrong of me! To sink into the depths of this world's murky water, and to seriously contemplate taking the dirty/earthly turds of earth instead of the beautiful, priceless heavenly rewards Christ has in store for me? But letting go and letting God is so hard.
I'm honestly not sure why I'm writing this post at 1:30 in the morning. I guess because I've been so sleepless the past few days. Maybe it's the full moon - it's awfully glowy. Or maybe it's my full heart - a heart full of burdens that I'd rather try to figure out than leave up to the Lord. Whatever the reason, I know that I'm harming my Temple by being so worried about everything. It's lead to insomnia, and my thoughts are consumed with these two stressers. Anyway, I'm going to attempt to sleep now.
Later,
Rachel
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Year!
Wow, it's been a while since I've written on here. College has swamped me with loads of stress and busyness. Working+practicing piano+practicing voice+being chair of the arts management association+Bible studies+classes+homework+calling home to talk to my mom for 2 hours every night = insane amounts of stress, and almost unbearable busyness.
So. New Year. This New Year, I literally forgot it was New Years' Eve until about 4 hours before the ball dropped. I didn't make any resolutions on New Years' night. But on Sunday, I made one. To know who I am as a musical artist, and to be confident in that. So much of my life has been consumed with trying to "beat out" people, or try to do things that are totally beyond my level. And for the first time in my life, I'm realizing, I can't always do it all. This past semester of piano taught me a lot. I decided to play the third movement of Beethoven's moonlight sonata, Bartok's piano sonata, and Chopin's etude in G-flat major, among a few other pieces. Chopin came along just perfectly. But Beethoven and Bartok.....that's another story. See, the note-reading was fine. I had the pieces memorized, but technically, I was unable to play them. Because I'm too weak, too small, and I play too delicately. And on Sunday afternoon, while sitting in my room debating on whether I should play the first or third movement of Ravel's Sonatine, whether I should play the third movement of the moonlight or the first movement of a simpler Beethoven sonata, I decided to stop with the overachieving. For the first time in my life, I'm entering a competition and I won't be "trying" to play pieces. They're easy enough where I'll be confident that I can play them well. And that's not an easy step for me. I feel like the music world has become somewhat of the gymnastics world - you have to be slender, you have to be pretty (or handsome if you're a guy), and it's not enough to play well. You have to push your hands to the extreme, play loud, fast, and have plenty of large chords in between. But I'm not built like that. I don't think that means I can't be a musician. Instead, I consider it a challenge. A challenge to change the way people view classical music. A person shouldn't have to do finger acrobatics to be considered a good musician. I mean, afterall, music is simply "an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color," right?
Later,
Rachel
So. New Year. This New Year, I literally forgot it was New Years' Eve until about 4 hours before the ball dropped. I didn't make any resolutions on New Years' night. But on Sunday, I made one. To know who I am as a musical artist, and to be confident in that. So much of my life has been consumed with trying to "beat out" people, or try to do things that are totally beyond my level. And for the first time in my life, I'm realizing, I can't always do it all. This past semester of piano taught me a lot. I decided to play the third movement of Beethoven's moonlight sonata, Bartok's piano sonata, and Chopin's etude in G-flat major, among a few other pieces. Chopin came along just perfectly. But Beethoven and Bartok.....that's another story. See, the note-reading was fine. I had the pieces memorized, but technically, I was unable to play them. Because I'm too weak, too small, and I play too delicately. And on Sunday afternoon, while sitting in my room debating on whether I should play the first or third movement of Ravel's Sonatine, whether I should play the third movement of the moonlight or the first movement of a simpler Beethoven sonata, I decided to stop with the overachieving. For the first time in my life, I'm entering a competition and I won't be "trying" to play pieces. They're easy enough where I'll be confident that I can play them well. And that's not an easy step for me. I feel like the music world has become somewhat of the gymnastics world - you have to be slender, you have to be pretty (or handsome if you're a guy), and it's not enough to play well. You have to push your hands to the extreme, play loud, fast, and have plenty of large chords in between. But I'm not built like that. I don't think that means I can't be a musician. Instead, I consider it a challenge. A challenge to change the way people view classical music. A person shouldn't have to do finger acrobatics to be considered a good musician. I mean, afterall, music is simply "an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color," right?
Later,
Rachel
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