Never good enough.....

I've continued to stay extremely busy lately. Today I recorded my dvd audition for thie young arts competition. And I was like really dissapointed because I only had like 45 minutes to record a 20 minute program, and I kept messing up and restarting, and at one point I seriously started getting all teary eyed. My parents were telling me to relax and stretch, but I just couldn't. And I guess it was like one of those moments where I felt like I'm never good enough. Like no matter how much I practice, no matter what pieces I'm playing, I'm never good enough. There's always SOMETHING I have to work on to perfect in a piece. Yet, I guess it's just another humbling aspect of being human. Like it's so true, I'll never be good enough at piano, at being a student, at being a daughter, or even at the Christian walk. I'll never be perfect. But I'm so thankful for Christ and so thankful that He doesn't expect me to be perfect. And lately I've been extremely encouraged by Rebecca St. James' song "Psalm 139". It has been such an encouragement to me. And my piano teacher has also been really encouraging to me. I was seriously considering applying to Eastman again, but a few of her thoughts echoed in my mind and made me change my mind. She keeps telling me to be very careful not to stress myself out because she really doesn't want me to lose focus of the main reason I'm doing piano (besides glorifying Christ, of course): because I enjoy it. And she's actually told me a bajillion times over,"Rachel, you're only 15. You have time for grad school and stuff. But right now, I really think you should go somewhere where you can enjoy yourself and then for grad school, go for something with alot more prestige." And she's totally right. I have time. I don't need to rush through life trying to be this amazing pianist. I need to save time to focus on Christ and to enjoy the life He's given me. Anyway, on another topic (besides the boring college hoopla,lol), on Sunday, I was very touched by the message at Sunday School. It wasn't really a message, more like a biography. And it was about this missionary who went literally to the ends of the earth; not your typical go-to-the-poor-African-people type of missions trip. He went to some island near Indonesia, and literally delved into their culture;he didn't try to bring the American culture to those people. After he started to understand what they believed and started to speak their language, he explained to them the whole history of the Bible and salvation and everything. It was so touching because the missionary approached the people in a way that I've never seen before; he didn't try to bring Christianity and combine it with the culture of America and make it seem like because they lived differently than him, they were heathens or something. He brought the love of Christ, and because of that (and of course, Christ working in those people's hearts), they were very receptive to everything he had to say. I was also touch because the people there seriously LOVED every sermon and hungered for it. They'd never seen anyone outside of their own tribe and had been deceived into believing that they could somehow gain eternal life here on earth. And they began asking such deep questions to this missionary, like,"Why are we here on earth?"and"If there is a God or a Creator, why did He make life so miserable for us" and,"How can we gain eternal life?" It was so touching to see them question things and to see them receive the gospel, and hunger for it. And it really convicted me, because that morning I was frustrated about the dumbest two things possible on earth; that I couldn't find my black eyeliner (even though I have other colors of eyeliner to use) and that I couldn't find my black stretchy wide headband (even though I have a bajillion headbands-2 other black ones, but I wanted that SPECIFIC black headband). And I was convicted because, here were these people, without clothes, without much food at all, without clean water, even without any shelter. And perhaps most importantly, without Christ. And I was convicted because I realized, I get stressed and frustrated about the stupidest things, and really, materialistic things. And it's not like things in and of themselves are wrong (e.g., the black eyeliner, or the black wide strechy headband, or even college decisions), but it becomes wrong when I make these things my idols and my main focus and become SO stressed about them that I don't even take out time to see my sufficiency in Christ, and to see that in Him, I have all that I'll ever need. Anyway, I think I better go. Later,
Rachel

Still somewhat confused

Wow, I'm still confused about college decisions. So I thought I was sure where I wanted to go, as I sounded in my last post. Yet, after a college fair on Monday and talking to my teacher, I x-ed out all of the colleges. Oberlin is extremely liberal, and they just hired on this creepy Anrew Lloyd Weber creepo-alike composer. Plus, they're in the middle of a cornfield, and that means I wouldn't have too many performance opportunities. Peabody said that it's really difficult to get Leon Fleisher as a teacher bc he doesn't like teaching freshman because he's constantly gone, and you don't get lessons every week with him, and when you do get lessons, you get group lessons. And the only reason I wanted to go there was to get him as a teacher. So I x-ed that. Then my teacher told me she knew someone's son who went to Juilliard who dropped out after his first year to go work at McDonald's because they pushed him so hard that he basically learned to hate cello. So I x-ed that because I get discouraged really easily by people, and that wouldn't be a very good environment for me. I x-ed out the Cleveland Institute because their faculty didn't look so great. So now I've prayed about everything and talked to my parents once again about everythin (I really don't know how they have patience with me constantly going back and forth) and I think I'm going to apply to the Manhattan School of Music, Mannes School of Music, Colburn School of Music, and Westminster Choir college. The positive about Mannes, the Manhattan School, and Colburn is that they are all solely music schools, no dance, theatre, etc. The positive about Westminster is that it apparently has a good reputation, and the acceptance rate is 75%. However, as of right now, my first choice is the Manhattan school, because they seem to have alot of fun, yet wholesome activities to do. Like, the first day you get there, they take you on a cruise across the Manhattan Island, they have a few formals, and they are in NYC, which means they offer a bajillion of performance opportuinities (although Mannes is in NYC too, and Westminster choir college isn't too far from NYC either...it's in Princeton, NJ). Then I'd probably say that Colburn is my second choice, or maybe even tied with Manhattan. If you get in, the tuition, room and board are all free. It's in the middle of LA/Hollywood, which means there are lots of performance opportunities, not to mention a bajillion things to do and places to go and all. Then Mannes probably comes in third. And I'm not even sure if I'll apply there because I only have until November 15 to submit the prescreening cd. Then Westminster comes in fourth, because their acceptance rate is the lowest, but it looks like a great school because you have a huge emphasis in developing your voice as well as whatever instrument you play. So I'm sorta thankful for the new bunch of schools because I think it's better than me going for the top right away. And I have Westminster that I can ALMOST bank on, Manhattan and Mannes that I think I could PROBABLY get into, and Colburn which is a reach school (they have like a 10% acceptance rate....last year they only accepted four pianists :/). Plus, they're all in huge cities, or near huge cities. And that's something I also wanted. So all though the process was a bit confusing, I'm very thankful that the Lord has led me to look at these other colleges. Later,
Rachel

Really understanding what being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me means...

Well I've still been busy. It seems like as of lately, I have endless papers and essays to write and books to read and TONS of practicing to do and...blah. But I won't complain. The work is nontheless good. As for college news, I found out on Thursday that if I wanna audition for Juilliard, I'll need a different and more complicated romantic word than the one I already have. Which in turn means I'd have to tell my teacher I wanna audition there so that she can help me with the piece (and unfortunately, I've been trying to avoid that because I don't want her to think I have some ego issue because I honestly still don't think I could make it in). So I was like REALLY distraught on Thursday...but that distraughtness only lasted for a couple of hours. My mom prayed with me, and suddenly when I was practicing, my mom and I both came up with the same solution. She told me she thought I could get the piece down by this Monday. I laughed and told her that was really ironic, because I was just thinking that if I could get down the piece by Monday, I would mention the whole thing to my teacher, and if not, I wouldn't mention it to her. And miraculously, here it is on Saturday, and the Lord has already granted me the grace to be able to play the piece in 9 minutes, and the performance time is usually around 8 minutes. So I've prayed about it, and I think I'm gonna go for it. I talked to a friend yesterday who really encouraged me too. She was telling me that if I decide not to go for it, I have to have a better reason than just plain fear. That I can't be afraid to talk to my teacher, or afraid to try to learn the piece, or even fear of rejection. That my reason for not doing it has to be because I strongly feel that the Lord doesn't want me there. And I guess that's something I really struggle with in my life. Fear. Like, my reservedness and shyness is totally because I fear rejection, and I fear what other people's responses to me will be. And I guess ultimately, with everything I fear whether it is speaking up, or attempting a seemingly insane piece, or trying new things or whatever, my fear is always the fear of rejection or the fear of failure. And even with college auditions. Like, I'm not even close to auditions yet, and I even have nightmares about being rejected during an audition. And it's like, I really do need to "be anxious for nothing, but with everything give prayer and supplication" and I need stop fearing man, and start fearing the Lord more. I also need to learn that in my own strength, I WILL fail. But that in contrast, I can do everything the Lord desires me to do through Christ who strengthens me. Later,
Rachel