Leaving

So I only have three days left at home. Insane. It's funny, at times it sorta seemed like this time would never come. Like, basically time when I'd be out on my own. Sorta. And since I've been 13, I've been like, 'Wooooohoo, I can't wait until I go to college,' yet now, I have mixed feelings. I'm definitely ready for this huge step towards independence, but a part of me feels a bit sad. Sorta like the time I packed up all of my barbies in a box and put them in the basement, realizing that I'd outgrown them. Like, there's this huge sense of parting, but also somewhat of a sense of feeling a little grown up (and I know, that sounds lame and immature, but this blog is meant for me to spill out my thoughts, right? :p ). And it's really depressing looking at my once-totally-packed closet now half empty. And I did find out that I will only be rooming with one roommate. Who I don't know too well yet. And I've decided to audition for a voice minor. I dunno how my audition will go, or if I'll get accepted into the vocal program, but I really hope I do. Yet, I have a feeling that they'll say since my voice isn't totally matured yet, I'll have to wait a couple more years to audition for it again. But honestly, I think this will be a very good experience for me. I can start a new chapter in my life with a blank slate. I only have actually met three people who will be going there (through Eastman's camp last summer) , but I think that's a good thing. It'll force me to come out of my shell a bit, but in a good way. And I will be totally immersed in music. It's funny because I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago, and she was telling me of all of her goals to be a renown author, singer, and psychiatrist with a doctorate degree (the previous three occupations she wants to do for a good pad of money in her bank account), an amazing wife, and a wonderful mother (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with all of that, it's just pretty much humanly impossible to be all five and effective at all five). And then she asked me, "What are you going to do with a piano major? Like, what can you do with that degree? And if you don't take math and science, what do you do all day? Won't you get bored of just practicing all the time?" And I guess for the first time, it occurred to me that people who aren't musicians probably can't understand how I could possibly want to major in something that might not pay off in terms of money. Or what could possess me to want to lock myself in a practice room for countless hours a day. But I guess really, I can't explain why either. All I know is that I love it. And I'd rather spend the rest of my life doing something I love, even if it means coming home to a cardboard shack every day, then to be a multimillionaire with a job that's pure torture and sacrifice my future family for it. And maybe I won't be the concert pianist or orchestral accompanist I want to be. Maybe all I'll end up doing is playing for a tiny little church somewhere and being a piano teacher. But regardless, I know that by doing music as my career, I'll be happy. Because I know without a doubt that it's what the Lord wants me to do. Anyway, tomorrow I have my last church gig thinymabob, so I better get off and try to organize some sort of program for that. Later,
Rachel

Growing up and away

So as of today, I only have 30 days left at home...29 if I don't include today. And until this point, I've been insanely excited. And I still am very much so. But on Saturday, while watching Marley and Me, I had a total bawling fit. I guess it was just like, that movie really hit me hard. It made me realize that things at home will never be the same. After I leave home, when I come back at breaks, sure I'll still be my parents' kid. But I've seen how my parents treat my brothers when they come home. It's like, they treat them like their kids, but also like guests. Which will be weird. And I know that my perspective on life will change. My thought processes will grow broader, my responsibilities will become greater, and everything will change. The only thing that'll remain the same is my relationship with the Lord. And I guess in all of life, that's the only thing that really remains stable. I read a book before that said that growing up is like having a house, and walking into it one day and having all of the furniture rearranged: walking into each room and having the furniture from one room placed into another, or having no curtains where there were some. And I know that will happen. In 30 days. Both literally and figuratively. For the next four years, college will be home. My dorm room will be home. And my current home will only be a vacationing retreat. And even though I may only be 16, I'm entering the world of adulthood. In 30 days. And it seems so fast. Like, where did this summer go? Where did highschool go? Where did my life so far go? And as much as I've looked forward to "independence", part of me is also a little bit nervous. Yet I have to make clear that I DO want to go to college. It wasn't my parents' decision. It was TOTALLY mine. I know that if I said I wanted to stay home another year, my parents would be so insanely happy. In fact, my dad has become teary a couple of times while talking about college. Whenever I mention going away in just a couple more weeks, my dad will leave the room with teary eyes and say he doesn't want to talk about it. Yet, anyway. And he's told me that if for any reason I feel uncomfortable or not ready for college once I get to Westminster, I'm welcome to come back home. Even if it's mid-semester and I can't get a refund on my tuition. He says that if I want to come back home, that I really shouldn't hesitate to tell them; that I shouldn't think that anyone will think I'm a failure. And I really appreciate that. Yet, I think I'm ready for college. In fact, I don't just think I am. I know I am. I may be nervous. I might even be a little scared.And I know that I'm a weak person physically and emotionally. But I know that if I'm grounded in the Lord like the tree by the water mentioned in Psalm 1, I will be safe and secure in Him wherever I go in life. I know that the Lord will be my strength, even in my weaknesses. Whether secular environment or Christian environment. Biblically, there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. Absolutely nothing can take away my security in Him. So it is in that truth that I have to rest. Even though I'm a bit sad that I only have 30 days. And I know if I stayed home another year, I'd become wrestless. I've thought everything through, and I don't believe that where I now call home is any place for me. It hasn't really felt like home since the moment my fam moved here. I don't think it's by mishap that I got rejected from other conservatories and accepted at Westminster. I think the Lord knew where I needed to be, and to make the decision process easier for me, He had me rejected from every single place I applied except Westminster. And I am very excited and insanely thankful. Even though I'm growing up and flying away from this little town. Later,
Rachel