College life

So far, college has been really good. It's also kept me really busy, to say the least. Living off of between 3 and 5 hours practically every night has been a new experience for me. The people here have been pretty cool. Although I know almost everyone here, I have a group of close friends who I tend to only hang out with. My piano teacher's been amazing and really patient. Everyone has found out that I'm 16 though, so that's been really....interesting. My roommate told some people who then told other people, who then told other people....annndd in a class of only 92 people, news (and unfortunately, gossip) spreads REALLY fast. But the past few days, I've started to realize something. I've definitely worked my butt off since I've been here. However, some of the things my choir director has said have really convicted me. *sidenote alert* Like, when we first got here, during orientation, some student group leaders had a little skit pretending to be superheroes. And the quote of orientation week was "with great talent comes great responsibility." And as corny as that line sounds, it's really true. Thus, my choir's director has started really pushing us to work harder the past couple of weeks, almost as if to reinforce the slogan we heard our first couple of days on campus. And although I feel like I'm working very hard (okay, more like, I KNOW I am), I feel like I could be working harder. Unless I get to the point where I have no time for facebook, and I can't hang out with anyone, I'm not working as hard as I possibly can. I know I can't become a social recluse either, but the hardest part of college has been learning how to manage my time. On top of that, I'm starting to feel like maayybbeee the Lord's still leading me to sing. Somehow. I mean, when I sing in front of people, I get nervous and I sound like a mouse. But when it comes down to it, I'd much rather sing and play piano for hours than play a Beethoven sonata. And honestly, deep down inside, I feel like it's not by mishap that I'm at a choir college. A choir college which is one of the best (if not the best) vocal music schools in the world. The voice faculty here are amazing. Although I didn't audition for a vocal minor this year, I'm definitely going to next year. I enjoy singing too much not to. Anyway, I should probably get off of here and start putting to work what I'm talking about. Later,
Rachel

Leaving

So I only have three days left at home. Insane. It's funny, at times it sorta seemed like this time would never come. Like, basically time when I'd be out on my own. Sorta. And since I've been 13, I've been like, 'Wooooohoo, I can't wait until I go to college,' yet now, I have mixed feelings. I'm definitely ready for this huge step towards independence, but a part of me feels a bit sad. Sorta like the time I packed up all of my barbies in a box and put them in the basement, realizing that I'd outgrown them. Like, there's this huge sense of parting, but also somewhat of a sense of feeling a little grown up (and I know, that sounds lame and immature, but this blog is meant for me to spill out my thoughts, right? :p ). And it's really depressing looking at my once-totally-packed closet now half empty. And I did find out that I will only be rooming with one roommate. Who I don't know too well yet. And I've decided to audition for a voice minor. I dunno how my audition will go, or if I'll get accepted into the vocal program, but I really hope I do. Yet, I have a feeling that they'll say since my voice isn't totally matured yet, I'll have to wait a couple more years to audition for it again. But honestly, I think this will be a very good experience for me. I can start a new chapter in my life with a blank slate. I only have actually met three people who will be going there (through Eastman's camp last summer) , but I think that's a good thing. It'll force me to come out of my shell a bit, but in a good way. And I will be totally immersed in music. It's funny because I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago, and she was telling me of all of her goals to be a renown author, singer, and psychiatrist with a doctorate degree (the previous three occupations she wants to do for a good pad of money in her bank account), an amazing wife, and a wonderful mother (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with all of that, it's just pretty much humanly impossible to be all five and effective at all five). And then she asked me, "What are you going to do with a piano major? Like, what can you do with that degree? And if you don't take math and science, what do you do all day? Won't you get bored of just practicing all the time?" And I guess for the first time, it occurred to me that people who aren't musicians probably can't understand how I could possibly want to major in something that might not pay off in terms of money. Or what could possess me to want to lock myself in a practice room for countless hours a day. But I guess really, I can't explain why either. All I know is that I love it. And I'd rather spend the rest of my life doing something I love, even if it means coming home to a cardboard shack every day, then to be a multimillionaire with a job that's pure torture and sacrifice my future family for it. And maybe I won't be the concert pianist or orchestral accompanist I want to be. Maybe all I'll end up doing is playing for a tiny little church somewhere and being a piano teacher. But regardless, I know that by doing music as my career, I'll be happy. Because I know without a doubt that it's what the Lord wants me to do. Anyway, tomorrow I have my last church gig thinymabob, so I better get off and try to organize some sort of program for that. Later,
Rachel

Growing up and away

So as of today, I only have 30 days left at home...29 if I don't include today. And until this point, I've been insanely excited. And I still am very much so. But on Saturday, while watching Marley and Me, I had a total bawling fit. I guess it was just like, that movie really hit me hard. It made me realize that things at home will never be the same. After I leave home, when I come back at breaks, sure I'll still be my parents' kid. But I've seen how my parents treat my brothers when they come home. It's like, they treat them like their kids, but also like guests. Which will be weird. And I know that my perspective on life will change. My thought processes will grow broader, my responsibilities will become greater, and everything will change. The only thing that'll remain the same is my relationship with the Lord. And I guess in all of life, that's the only thing that really remains stable. I read a book before that said that growing up is like having a house, and walking into it one day and having all of the furniture rearranged: walking into each room and having the furniture from one room placed into another, or having no curtains where there were some. And I know that will happen. In 30 days. Both literally and figuratively. For the next four years, college will be home. My dorm room will be home. And my current home will only be a vacationing retreat. And even though I may only be 16, I'm entering the world of adulthood. In 30 days. And it seems so fast. Like, where did this summer go? Where did highschool go? Where did my life so far go? And as much as I've looked forward to "independence", part of me is also a little bit nervous. Yet I have to make clear that I DO want to go to college. It wasn't my parents' decision. It was TOTALLY mine. I know that if I said I wanted to stay home another year, my parents would be so insanely happy. In fact, my dad has become teary a couple of times while talking about college. Whenever I mention going away in just a couple more weeks, my dad will leave the room with teary eyes and say he doesn't want to talk about it. Yet, anyway. And he's told me that if for any reason I feel uncomfortable or not ready for college once I get to Westminster, I'm welcome to come back home. Even if it's mid-semester and I can't get a refund on my tuition. He says that if I want to come back home, that I really shouldn't hesitate to tell them; that I shouldn't think that anyone will think I'm a failure. And I really appreciate that. Yet, I think I'm ready for college. In fact, I don't just think I am. I know I am. I may be nervous. I might even be a little scared.And I know that I'm a weak person physically and emotionally. But I know that if I'm grounded in the Lord like the tree by the water mentioned in Psalm 1, I will be safe and secure in Him wherever I go in life. I know that the Lord will be my strength, even in my weaknesses. Whether secular environment or Christian environment. Biblically, there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. Absolutely nothing can take away my security in Him. So it is in that truth that I have to rest. Even though I'm a bit sad that I only have 30 days. And I know if I stayed home another year, I'd become wrestless. I've thought everything through, and I don't believe that where I now call home is any place for me. It hasn't really felt like home since the moment my fam moved here. I don't think it's by mishap that I got rejected from other conservatories and accepted at Westminster. I think the Lord knew where I needed to be, and to make the decision process easier for me, He had me rejected from every single place I applied except Westminster. And I am very excited and insanely thankful. Even though I'm growing up and flying away from this little town. Later,
Rachel

Crazy busy

So I've been busy lately with working and trying to get stuff together for college, which means some major researching on clothes/dorm stuff.I still can't believe that as of tomorrow, I only have 7 weeks left. Like seriously, where has this summer gone?! It's already over halfway over. Anyway, I've looked at my course schedule online and it's crazy. I'm scheduled by my advisor to take 17 credits. Tuesdays and Thursdays, my classes will start at 8 a.m. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, my classes will start at 9:10 a.m. And every day except Wednesdays, my day will be full with classes except a 12 p.m.-1 p.m. break until 2:20 p.m. Wednesdays, I won't be done until 6 p.m. And then I'm going to be in 2 a capella groups, and one intervarsity group. And of course I'm going to have to get in at least 4 hours of practice daily. Which means I'll have pretty much no time whatsoever. Even if I do wake up at 6 a.m. every single morning like I plan to. *sigh* But I'm very excited nontheless. I've already decided which comforter I want to get and I've decided which storage extras I'll need (and which ones I don't need, but I want,haha :D). Unfortunately, in all of my excitement, I've somehow lost a drive to practice piano a ton (whhiiiccch is what I'm going to college for; not for fashion or organizational skills :/). Anyway, for a little bit of comedy, I've included a Miranda vid. I absolutely LOVE watching these videos. It actually gives me a tad bit of hope for having a musical future. :p This song is called Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. I'd never heard of the group/singer/whatev until the guy who's in charge of the a capella groups posted it as a song that we'll be singing in the a capella group...except hopefully a thousand times better than Miranda,haha. Enjoy,lol.
Later,
Rachel

Who am I

So lately, I've been REALLY busy. I've had no time for blogging, and surprisingly, I've been on facebook less than 5 hours per day. :p Anyway, the past week and a half has been a little rough for me. Last Monday, I had an audition for a Master Class and I didn't get through. And sure, maybe part of it is that I haven't had a lesson in over a month. But still. It plays on me. And then today, I had a Master Class. It went horribly. My playing went horribly. The Master Class went horribly. It was just....horrible. And I had a conversation with the vice president of the festival the Master Class was a part of. And it made me a bit discouraged. Again. Made me wonder why in the world I'm pursuing music. Made me wonder if I even have a chance in the music world. Until this evening when I went to accompany at a church. And it was like, the Lord wrote the verses in the bulletin. Job 38:1-11 were the verses. I'll only post the eleven verses, but I went back to read Job 38-42. And the conversation between Job and God continues for a while. "Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said: Who is this who darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Now prepare yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer Me. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?Tell Me, if you have understanding.Who determined its measurements?Surely you know!Or who stretched the line upon it? To what were its foundations fastened?Or who laid its cornerstone,When the morning stars sang together,And all the sons of God shouted for joy? Or who shut in the sea with doors,When it burst forth and issued from the womb;When I made the clouds its garment,And thick darkness its swaddling band;When I fixed My limit for it,And set bars and doors;When I said,‘This far you may come, but no farther, And here your proud waves must stop!" And Job's reply is simply(Job 42:2),"I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You." And that has to be my reply too. I don't know why I'm doing music. I can't explain why I love it so much. I can't tell what the future will or won't hold for me. But I do know one thing. I know that the Lord can do everything, and that no purpose of His can be stopped. It doesn't matter how improbable or how probable certain circumstances are. It doesn't matter if I have a low IQ or a high IQ. It doesn't matter if I end up being a person who tries at music and in the world's eyes, fails or if I end up being a Mozart. All that matters is that the Lord is in control and He can do anything He wants to with my life. So even though at this point in my life when I'm totally blinded to the future it's hard to rest in that, I know that the Lord has my hand and He's taking me through this crazy life maze and in the end, everything He has planned for me will be far better than I ever could've imagined it. Later,
Rachel

Speechless

So, last night was what a homeschool music girl like me would consider her graduation. :) I had my senior recital in St. Cloud, and it was absolutely amazing. My playing, not so much. But the people there were SO amazing. My 2nd grade teacher was there too, which was really awesome. And two of my previous piano teachers (yes, I've actually had more than 1....7 if I include all my camp teachers,haha). Not to mention a ton of neighbors and friends who I hadn't seen in forever. Apparently, some people started crying in the middle of the program, which really encouraged me. Like, that's why I'm doing music. Because of the people. Of all the people, to know that an older man who can appear to be tough and maybe even calloused could cry is so encouraging. And then, to get a standing ovation at the end of my first solo recital/mini-concert was really really cool. And what encouraged me the most were the number of people that showed up. Like, I was sorta worried that I'd be playing to only a few people, but my brothers actually had to pull out extra chairs! The room was full. And that in and of itself touched me SO much. To know that I'm not forgotten; to know that someone cares that I'm alive; to know that not only people have touched my life, but somehow, I've touched theirs too is crazy amazing. And such a blessing. And it was really nice because one family friend said that she could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in the room. And although I was really anxious toward the beginning, at the end, a calm came upon me. And that's like a miracle because me, calm, playing piano and singing in front of people? Like, can the three things even go together? The whole evening was just a blessing. And the new best day of my life. Seriously. And it's like, sure, I'm thankful for Wisconsin too, yet even after being here for five years, it doesn't really feel like home. To me, Clearwater Minnesota is home. Not just because I grew up there either, but because most of the people who have had an impact on my life are from there. And because the people there appreciate me. Like, there's absolutely nothing like not seeing someone for 5 years and hearing,"I miss your smile". Absolutely nothing. So what made last night so special wasn't just the event. What made last night so special were the people who made it all possible; the piano teachers who, by God's grace, have helped me come to where I have musically; the school teachers who, even in early elementary school, have said that average isn't enough and that I need to work my absolute hardest, even if it's simply working my hardest at cursive; the neighbors and friends who encouraged me to continue with music; the people. So it was a real blessing. And I am officially done with high school. For forever. It seems crazy. But it's a blessing. And honestly, sometimes I seriously do stand in awe at the Lord and His work. Taking me, a girl who only had a three percent chance of surviving the meningitis and encephalitis without being deaf and mentally disabled, and giving me the gift of music. The Lord is amazing. And He truly does use the weak things, even if the weak thing is me, to confound the wise. Well, I have a song for this post too to sum up this year for me. :) Less Like Scars by Sarah Groves-



Later,
Rachel

Life

Lately I've been in this mood of not wanting to do anything. I don't wanna practice piano. I don't wanna compose. I don't wanna do my homework. I don't really even want to sleep. I get on the computer, but there's not much to do, so it's boring. T.v. is limited to weekends except for American Idol (good thing too, otherwise I'd probably be watching that all evening...). I sorta feel like I'm getting spring fever. And I also have a lot going on. I am going to Westminster choir college this fall (Praise the Lord!) and I'm really excited about that. But I'm also sorta nervous....and I know if I'm all shy at the beginning, I won't have any friends the whole year,lol. So I'm definitely going to be praying about that. But I have mixed feelings. I'm SUPER excited, because I'll hopefully have a friend from Eastman as my roommate, plus it'll be awesome to go to a different part of the country (and to be somewhere that's not in the country....as in with cows and all,lol), and from what I've heard about Westminster, I'll get a lot of performing opportunities in New York City and Philadelphia since it's only an hour away from each city. Plus, since it's a choir college, I'll have choir practice every day (and the choirs tour! The sophomore, junior, and senior choirs actually tour in Europe!!!!),voice classes (and a few weeks ago when my dad heard me sing, he told me,"Rach, I hate to say it at this point and all....but I feel like that's your calling"), so the Lord knows what might come out of that. Yet, I'm also going to miss home. I mean, of course I'm excited about being a little "independent" and stuff, but I will miss my parents. And of course, I will REALLY miss Samson (too bad I can't carry him to college....guess I'll have to get a turtle....). And like yesterday was the last choir meeting/rehearsal at UWRF, and I got a little bit sad. I mean, I'm not really that close to anyone there, but I've gotten to know a few people, and I'm sorta sad to think that my time there is coming to a close. I mean, I'm definitely thankful I'm going to Westminster, but I will miss some of the people at UWRF. And then I got some mailings about ordering dorm bedding/towels/whatev (not like I'll get them....I wanna get some funky colored bedding :p). But it's like....weird. Because it just seems like time goes by SO QUICKLY. I mean, I remember when I was like 6, and my brothers and I were in a sled at our house in Clearwater, and my oldest brother (who was 11)said, "Wow. Time goes by really quickly." I argued a bit, but he was like, "Well, maybe not for you yet Rachel, but you'll see when you get older",lol, as if he could talk, right? :p But it's so true. Like David said, life really is like a breath, or a vapor. It's here for a moment, and then it's gone. And really, all that matters is eternity. And I know that if it seems like my short 16 years have gone by quickly, the rest of my life will zoom by. Anyway, I have a song to share in this post that has been really encouraging to me. He's Always Been Thankful by Sarah Groves-



Later,
Rachel

Casting off my burdens to the Lord

Well, I do have some good news in this post. I received an academic scholarship that would cover over half of the tuition cost of Westminster Choir College. And it's definitely a real blessing. I'm still not sure if I will end up going there, but it's a blessing to get accepted and to get a scholarship. But the past few days, I've been convicted of something. For some odd reason, it seems like when something good happens in my life, I can immediately thank the Lord for those good things. But when something doesn't go the way I wanted it to, then I get all like, 'Oh, I failed God, my parents, my piano teacher,' etc. etc.. And I'm not sure why that is. Like, shouldn't I also praise God in the midst of the uncomfortable circumstances? And still see the blessings in that? And when I do have a burden in life, whatever it may be, Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV says, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Or, in a simpler way, The Message version says, "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Yet, it's like, in the midst of my trials, I try to muster up enough of my own courage and strength to get through, and it's never enough. Why? Because, it's RELIGION. It's not Christianity. It's putting the pressure on myself to do everything perfectly and right. And it's very depressing, because no matter what I do, it's not good enough. Because all of my "good works", all of my perfections are just like dirty rags to God. Sure, I don't do anything dramatic to end my life or anything like that, but I get REALLY depressed in the midst of difficult circumstances. And I know that the only key to unlocking the treasures of joy that the Lord has stored up for me (even in the most difficult times of my life) is truly fellowshipping with Him. Not just a quick, "Lord, take these trials away from me, I can't handle it anymore" type of prayer, but genuine time spent with Him to draw closer to Him. As my favorite chapter in the Bible says, Psalm 139:7-14 say, "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.If I take the wings of the morning,and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,even there Your hand shall lead me,and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”even the night shall be light about me; indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You." And it's so true. No matter what trial I am in the midst of, or what joys the Lord brings into my life, He is always there for me. What more, He doesn't see the difference between the trials and the joys. Or rather, neither the sorrows or the joys change the relationship I have with Him. And maybe that's what He wants me to see. That the darkness and light are both alike as far as trials are concerned. That I should praise Him in the midst of both joys AND trials. That no matter what circumstances He brings my way, His love toward me and for me will never ever be changed. And in the same sense, I shouldn't let trials change my love toward Him. So you know what? I know I can't take back my other posts about how down and out and depressed I was about rejections. But praise the Lord for the rejection from Oberlin. Praise the Lord for the rejection from Swarthmore. Praise the Lord for the rejection from Colburn. Why? Because, He knows what's best for me. He's planned every single day of my life, every second of my life, every breath that I take before time ever began. And because since He's the sovreign, perfect Lord of all that exists, He deserves to be praised in the midst of the joys AND the trials. Later,
Rachel

A light at the end of this tunnel.....

Well, the past few weeks have been very stressful for me. However, I did get word on Wednesday evening from Westminster Choir College in Princeton, NJ. And I got accepted! And it's such a blessing. Really. I also found out that one of my friends from Eastman's Music Horizons camp is going there! So it's really sweet, she's going to wait for me to figure out whether or not I'll go there before she submits her housing stuff, because if I do go there, she'll want to room with me! So that would be really awesome. And I also have an audition at Trinity International University this Friday, so I'll see how that goes. Hopefully by the end of this month, (or sooner) I'll know for sure where I'm going. But despite all of the stress, I'm sorta thankful for what the Lord's brought me through these past couple of weeks. I feel like, up until the past couple of weeks, this year has been the best year of my life. And ya know, it still IS the best year of my life, because each year, the Lord brings me something new; whether it be new trials, or new experiences which mold me to be more like Him. But it's like, this year has been somewhat of a cruise-through until the past few weeks. But the past couple of weeks (and really, the past few months) have taught me to lean on the Lord more than I probably ever have, and thus it's brought me closer to the Lord. And sure, I didn't get accepted to Oberlin (which was sorta my "dream" college), but from the time I applied until the time I found out I was rejected, I was FORCED to rely on Christ. But I'll stop rambling before I make this whole post a circular post,lol. To sum things up, I guess that my whole point of the post is that the whole truth of James 1:3 has been made clear to me this year. That trials strenghten me. And I know that more serious trials will be presented to me throughout my lifetime, but I can trust that all of the trials that I go through will strengthen my faith. I hope this post made sense,lol. Later,
Rachel

Rejection #2...and #3....and #4

So I got back my college news. I got rejected from both Swarthmore and Oberlin. Not waitlisted. No, flat out rejected. I mean, they make the letters sound all nice.... "we hope that you find the best educational options for you in your academic/musical pursuits" and blah blah blah. But it hurts. It really hurts. I think that yesterday was the first day since Monday that I wasn't bawling all day. I mean, it's not like I'm mad at God. I know that He has a perfect plan. But it's difficult to move on after 3 college rejections. And then I didn't place in a competition that I had two weeks ago. So, once again, rejection has hurdled itself on me. But I was talking to my piano teacher, and she was really encouraging. She said that as hard as it is to see, the rejection isn't a rejection of me. It's not even a rejection of my talent, or a way to estimate how good or bad I am. It simply didn't work out because it wasn't the right place for me; or, from a Christian's point of view, it didn't work out because it wasn't in the Lord's will. And like one of my friends told me, I was competing against 18-22 year olds from all around the world (up to 22 because transfer students also apply and are calculated into the percentage of people that get admitted). So I wasn't just competing against the best musicians in Minnesota. Or in a tri-state area. Or even in the US. I was competing against the very best musicians from all over the world. And thinking about it like that, I really understand why I didn't make it in. I mean, I can't even imagine myself three years ago competing against myself now. I'd have no chance. And I asked my mom the other day, "Do you think that becoming a concert pianist is totally thrown out of the window? Because I feel like my dreams are being totally demolished in one huge swoop." And she was like, "No, because you feel called to do this. It's not just a dream. It's a call that the Lord has placed in Your life." And how true that is. The Lord's will for my life will be accomplished, without regard to competitions that I win or lose, where I go to college, or who my future piano teachers will be. If it truly is the Lord's will for me to be a concert pianist, nothing can stand in the way of that. And again, I do have time to grow musically. And where I go to college Lord-willing this fall doesn't necessarily mean that will be the place that I get my degree from. I can always transfer if need be. So despite rejection, I can continue on with hope knowing that the Lord's will will be accomplished and nothing (and no one) can stand in the way of that. And His plan for my life will be way better than I could ever imagine. I know it. Later,
Rachel

My life is SO in the hands of God

Well, today has been a very interesting day. At least the beginning of it. So I woke up at about 5:30 a.m. with terrible lung cramps. I haven't experienced them so badly since I was 8 years old. It's a really weird feeling, like....whichever lung hurts, it feels like it's like stuck or something. And when I try to breathe in, I get this intensely sharp pain, like someone is stabbing me or something. And this lasted for 20 minutes this morning. But honestly, I'm thankful for experiences like that. I mean, I seriously felt like I was dying. And I felt totally helpless too. Like, I was suffocating because of pain, and yet there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't call my mom because I felt like it'd waste my breath, and she couldn't do anything anyway. So, I sat there and started crying not because I was scared of dying or anything, but because I thought about how quick life is. And how, so often, I take breaths, moments, days, or even years for granted. I take experiences for granted. And I also take people for granted. And I was thinking, if I die, how will people remember me? Who will I be remembered for? A "nice" girl? Or as some guy at Eastman told me after knowing me for a week, "a typical goody-two-shoes Christian girl"? A girl who gave up like every normal highschool experience for piano? Or, will I be remembered as a Christian? And not just a goody-two-shoes. But, a true Christian? A girl who REALLY spread the love of Christ, not a girl who just followed all of the rules? And I also thought about how quickly people are forgotten. I mean, I've only known two people who have died, neither who were very close to me, but when my grandma and great uncle died, it was like, they were in conversation for about a month. And then....they're rarely brought up in conversation anymore. And they are sorta forgotten, but at the same time, whatever memories or impressions I have of them, they're passed down to me from my parents' insight into their characters. Anyway, I guess that my 20 minute experience to what felt near death for me was amazing. I felt what I haven't felt in 8 years. That my life is truly in the hands of God, and that I can trust Him with anything: whether it be what college I go to, or my next breath. Later,
Rachel

Roller Coaster

So lately my life has been really hectic. Funny how that happens. Like, for a few months, my life is SO BORING and nothing new happens. Then all of a sudden.....KABAM! I get whapped in the face with extreme busyness. So, as you all know, I got rejected from Colburn. So, the next step was to apply somewhere else. So, I applied to Oberlin, the Conservatory that I've REALLY wanted to apply to all along. So, a week after my Colburn rejection (and like 4 days after completing my application), my parents and I went to Oberlin for an audition. Regardless of what happens, it's really a miracle that I was able to apply and audition. The deadline to submit the Oberlin application was December 1,2008. On top of that, all of the live auditions were said to be full, so no more live auditions could be scheduled. Yet, the Dean gave me permission to apply AND schedule a live audition. And it was really nice because once I got there, before I went into my audition, he gave me a hug and said that he hopes I can make it in. And all of the people there were really really nice. They tried to make the audition experience enjoyable and not nervewracking. I'm not sure what the audition commitee was looking for....or exactly how my audition went (I did the audition a day after getting sick...fever and all, so I had 2 doses of NyQuil the day before my audition, and the symptoms of a cold....and I ended up getting some arm muscle strain that felt like tendinitis a few days before the audition), but because of all of the hurdles that I had to jump to do the audition, it's a blessing and a miracle that I was allowed to do it. I should find out by the end of this month whether or not I was accepted.And then I'm also going to be applying to the Chicago College of Performing Arts. And I've already applied to Swarthmore and Westminster Choir College, so if all of those fall through, or if for some reason I decide not to go to one of those colleges, then I'll probably apply to the University of Arizona and the University of New Mexico. I know, random universities, right,lol? But I think that it'd be awesome to be in a really warm climate with tons of diversity. There's something that's really cool to me about meeting people from all over the world like I did at Interlochen and Eastman. It just reminds me that the US isn't all that exists in the world, and it's so easy to get caught up in the American comfort zone and forget that there are billions of other people out there who have our same interests and life goals. And it's REALLY neat to meet other Christians from other places around the world. Anyway, yesterday I ended up failing my road test for driver's ed. But oh well. So tis life I guess. I also had another Master Class. That was fun, but I definitely didn't do half as good as I could have, so that was discouraging. And I had a piano competition last weekend. I did make it to finals (PRAISE THE LORD!), which means that out of all of the competitors from 9-12th grade who competed in the Young Artist competition all around Minnesota (and possibly a few kids from North/South Dakota, Iowa, and Wisconsin who have teachers who live in Minnesota and are memebers of MMTA), I was in the top twelve! So I was really thankful for that because this year has been somewhat discouraging with piano. And I get to play Dvorak's Slavonic Dance No. 6 at an Honor's Concert at Northrop Auditorium @ the U of Minnesota at the end of May (and I get to wear a formal evening gown too!!!!)! The Lord can encourage even in the midst of discouragement. Well, I better get back on recording my pieces for Chicago's audition. Later,
Rachel

Rejection

So, I just got news to make this week seemingly the worst week of my life. Then again, maybe, just maybe, it's actually the best week of my life. I mean, the trials make you stronger, right? So I just opened an e-mail like twenty minutes ago. And my worst fear came true. Rejection. And, how do you deal with it? I mean, first I tried to act all calm. But I can't. For some reason, I can't stop crying. And I sorta thought about a C.S. Lewis quote, about how the only way you won't ever be heartbroken is if you lock up your heart and shut it and never let anyone into it, because at some time or another, if you truly love anyone, you will be hurt by them. And I think that's sorta the same way with hope, ya know? Like, the only way that you can guard yourself from being broken is by not hoping in anything. And originally, that was my plan. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn't just ex off Colburn. I couldn't just go on without any hope of making it in. And yes, that's the e-mail I'm talking about. A rejection letter from Colburn. So, now I'm somewhat shattered. I mean, how am I supposed to take not getting past a pre-screening even? At times like this, I sorta consider quitting music. Like, maybe this is just a sign that I should pursue something else, and God's only way of getting that across to me is to allow me to really mess up some recitals or competitions or get rejected from a measley pre-screening portion of a conservatory's audition process. I just don't know some times. But in the midst of it all, I do have faith that the Lord will work all things out better than I could ever imagine. Later,
Rachel

The Sunken Cathedral - Claude Debussy

This is a new fave Debussy piece of mine. I love it. I really really wanna play it someday. It's not too hard, but as of right now, my hands are way to little to reach all of the chords necessary to make it sound right. :( It's really relaxing. Great to listen to while doing hw,lol. Not your typical classical piece.

The Road Not Taken

So lately, I've been contemplating alot. About various things. And Robert Frost's poem 'The Road Not Taken' has come to mind alot. Particularly the last 3 lines, which go, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." And like, I guess I just sorta think that of course providentially, I have taken the road less traveled by in my short 16 years here on earth. Like, at times, my life seems so....well, random. Like, so many quick decisions that, during the decision-making process seem really unfeasible, yet the Lord has worked everything out in my life. And at times, I wonder if I should've taken the road more traveled by; the road that's typical, or the road that seems to make sense. Like this weekend, I went ice skating and thought, I wonder if I should've stuck with ice skating, or ballet, or gymnastics. Taken the road more trod upon and stuck with that interest for as long as was physically possible. And I think of how I've jumped in and out of so many arenas, and at the time of making the decisions, I had no idea how in the world everything would work out. Yet, my random life has been planned ahead by the Lord, before the foundation of the world. Like Psalm 139 says, all of my days were written in God's book before time. And though at times my life seems so random that it seems that it's a miracle in and of itself that it hasn't totally fallen apart already, the Lord has ordained this "random" life of mine, and I know that all things will work together for me because I do love and trust Him, and He's promised that He will work all things together for our good and His glory if we truly love Him. And I can rest in that comfort. I've also been somewhat convicted lately on my lack of faith at times. Like, with Colburn specifically. I mean, I'm so anxious to get the results of my pre-screening audition. And I fear it will be rejection. And I've been telling my parents that all along, and they have gotten increasingly annoyed (or not really annoyed, more like....dissapointed) by my lack of faith and stuff. And finally, my dad told my mom on the phone one day, "Remind Rachel that she only had a 3% chance of surviving the meningitis and encephalitis illness that she had without being mentally disabled, deaf, or dead. And God is still the same now as He was at that point of time, and if it's His will, she can get accepted to Colburn." And he's so right. I mean, obviously I can't have the name-it-claim-it type deal where I say "I've got faith that I'll make it, so I will!", yet, I can't doubt God. And if He desires for me to be at Colburn, then I'll get accepted. And until I find out His will, there's absolutely nothing wrong with praying to get accepted somewhere I wanna go. So as I enter this month where I will receive my first round of results from Colburn, I will trust that the Lord knows where I need to go. Later,
Rachel

um.......

The title of my post very accurately describes what happened to me this afternoon. I seriously think that it was the very worst performance of my entire life. Funny how it followed what was perhaps the best audition of my life too though, seeing that I had an audition for a master class yesterday, and miraculously, that went amazingly well. I wasn't nervous at all and I was full of smiles last night....which is very rare for me during any audition or competition. I'm usually really really REALLY jittery, nervous, and just plain silent. However this afternoon, I experienced my usual before-performance stage fright. I think that alot of it could've been due to the fact that I really haven't been practicing much lately...I'm lucky to get in 2 hours of practice a day. And when I have practiced, I've been focusing on my more difficult pieces, and since today I was supposed to play an etude, I figured that I could put it off a bit and focus on my more difficult pieces. So right before I was going to play, I told my piano teacher that I was really nervous about the piece because I hadn't been practicing it much. She, being extremely nice as she usually is, just said, "Oh, Rachel, you've played the etude a bunch of times this fall and it's been great every time! Plus, everyone loves hearing it! You'll do fine." But I didn't. I got on stage, and totally blanked out, like a total brain fart. I couldn't remember anything past the first measure. Seriously. So I started playing REALLY fast just to get over the more difficult parts.My adrenaline seriously took over, and I swear, that's the fastest I've ever played the piece (thank goodness it's supposed to be a fast piece anyway). I somehow managed to end with both hands together (thank the Lord), but it was all a mess. It was so hard for me to wait until after I left the recital to burst into tears, rather than doing it during my piece (if it could even be called a piece). I think that's probably the third time I've ever cried over a performance in my life. I mean, I know I'm not perfect. Yet, there's something utterly humiliating about attempting to play a piece and totally wrecking it. Especially since it gives off the impression that I tried to throw it together in a week or something.....the people in the audience don't see that it took 4 months to learn the piece. I guess I'm just really thankful that it wasn't a competition. THAT would've kept me crying for days. But it's odd because I played just a few minutes earlier, and the piece was totally fine. As was the Debussy Toccata. Funny that I got an applause from some guy who wasn't even coming to the concert with that piece, yet I couldn't make it through the recital piece. My teacher said that she thinks part of it was due to the fact that I hadn't had a lesson in over a month until Wednesday, part of it was due to the fact that I'd sat for an hour and a half before playing after I warmed up (and I hadn't stretched out either....oops), and part of it was due to the fact that I've been playing the piece all the way through and not doing memory checks on it. Anyway, I guess I can't let one dreadfully bad experience make me quit, but sometimes it's hard. It's hard to work away at a piece for so long, and to not get the results I want. And it really scares me to think that I'm SO close to competitions (like, I have one every other weekend in March and April)and I'm messing up this badly right now.But like my teacher told me after the recital, if every baby decided that since it tumbled after its first attempt at walking it'd give up walking, we'd all still be crawling around. I guess I just can't wait until Monday....that's when I'll find out the results from the master class audition that I had yesterday. Hopefully the results are positive. Hopefully. Later,
Rachel

By Your Side-Tenth Avenue North

This song is REALLY encouraging to me, and I just thought I'd post it on my blog.