Scared

So tonight, I'm sitting in bed quite burdened. And scared. Honestly, I kinda considered running off and jumping on a plane and just going somewhere away from here. It's funny how a small misunderstanding can turn into something so ginormous that it makes me wonder. Wonder if this is right, wonder if I'm in the wrong, and wonder why I keep having these hurdles thrown at me. I trust that the Lord will never give me more than I can handle, but gosh. Sometimes, like now, I just want to go away. And it's like, I get into the whole "it's a wonderful life" way of thinking. Maybe had I not ditched all of my dreams, I wouldn't feel this way. Or maybe some people's lives would be a heck of a lot less complicated if I just vanished. Not died, but just like....left.

And then, a song comes on the radio (well, internet radio anyway) that reminds me of who God is. And how He knows my circumstances, and understands me, and sees into my heart. Tonight, that song was "I Am" by Nichole Nordeman. And I'm reminded of the Lord's providence in so many different areas of my life, and I trust that He will comfort me even in times like these. So I don't have to vanish - I can walk through life with confidence knowing that He has a purpose for my life that I can't always see. And it's kinda scary to feel like I'm running on a tightrope blindfolded. But in the end, I know that He'll be there waiting for me at the end of this "tightrope" called life. And I can't wait until the day that there isn't any more pain, or frustration, or arguing. But until that day, I'll keep running this seemingly endless tightrope blindfolded, knowing that there's a huge prize that awaits me at the end - namely eternity with my Comforter, my Best Friend, my God.

Different

Wow. I can't believe almost a month has whizzed by since my last post. :( Anyway, things are slowly but surely getting better. In the past few weeks, I've started to pray about the frustrations I'm facing, and my mindset is changing. Rather than thinking "I have SO MUCH TO DO!", I'm starting to think of this as the funnest, biggest party of my life, and I get to plan it. It totally changes my perspective. I'm also starting to feel a tad more plugged in at church, which is good. Afterall, I am marrying the pastor's son so....it'd be kinda more than depressing if I continued feeling completely like a jagged puzzle piece.But I'm realizing that a lot of the difficulty is just making time for people. When I don't make time for people when I'm busy, I can't expect them to just pop up when I'm not busy.

I'm really looking forward to being married though. Most of all, I'm looking forward to finally being able to host house parties, and Christmas parties, etc. Joe and I both have a great desire to be extremely hospitable, and I just can't wait to get the opportunity to do so. And even in my registry, all of the gifts are pretty much geared toward being a better, more organized hostess.

Anyway. As of today, I have exactly 3 months and 18 days until the wedding. My wedding. It's so insane. And so awesome. And I finally created a wedding website! Although it's not as cool as the blog, it has some nice pictures of Joe and I. The site is: http://www.weddingwire.com/josephandrachel1.

Later,
Rachel