On the nature of guy friends

So as this semester at Westminster restarted, I realized that I wanted to be more focused on practice time and more focused on getting a couple of girl friends to add to my three-musketeer group of me and my two close guy friends. I realized that I didn't wanna go through the drama of last semester. But drama-rama is back. Last night, knowing that we'd probably have a snow day today, me and my group of now six-musketeers (me, my two close guy friends, and three other girls) watched a movie. After the movie, we had girl-talk, which I haven't had in a VERY long time. For the past four years or so, all of my closest friends in whatever social arena I'm in have been guys. So last night, they confronted me on my best guy friend. The same guy who asked me out at the end of last semester, and I told no (I had also e-mailed him a couple of times over break, reinstating that I really wasn't interested in a relationship and I just want to stay friends). They told me that he's legit madly in love with me, and that I really need to talk to him again so that he can get over me. They've told me in the past that he's told them he's concerned that I'm going to end up getting hurt by some guy, and he couldn't stand to see me get hurt because he cares so much for me. They also added that they think he's a great guy and he treats me amazingly, and that if they were me, they wouldn't give up a guy who loves me that much for the world. In my mind, there are two things that are preventing me from going out with him. Maybe three. He's a great guy with a great personality, and even though he sometimes acts like a total jerk (literally, acts..... he 's like a ciabatta roll: very hard on the outside and very sarcastic, but really soft on the inside), he's insanely sweet and he totally treats me like a princess. He's also by far the best vocalist (male or female) in the freshman class, and one of the best on campus (one of my friends' teachers told her that he will have an amazing career as a vocalist), and he has asked me to accompany him twice, although both times, the plans fell through (once because I was in bed sick, and once because he's going to watch a show at the Metropolitan Opera instead of competing in a competition). And it does cross my mind that since he will probably have a spectacular career, I could be a part of that by being his accompanist. But 1.) he's not a believer. I've witnessed to him on several occasions. And he seems responsive to what I'm saying. Of course that's by the Lord's grace, but I think a lot of it is that I really pray to live out what I say I believe. And I don't look down on people who don't. And I don't treat people who don't believe in the Lord any differently; I just share my convictions with them just as openly as I would with any believer. And he sees the hypocrisy in the lives of the people here on campus who call themselves Christians, and we've even discussed some of that stuff. I'm not saying I'm perfect; there are the times that I laugh at stuff I shouldn't or say stuff that's definitely on the border between right or wrong. But I believe the Lord grants grace even with that, and most of the time, I'll even apologize after saying stuff that's "on the border". 2.) I'm really not physically attracted to him at all. It's not that he's really ugly. I mean, if he lost 100 pounds, he'd be fantastic. And I've contemplated helping him lose weight, because I do have the know-how to put a diet program together. But I feel like even if he lost weight, even if he was the hottest guy in the world, I wouldn't want to lose our amazing friendship to a relationship. And I think that's where friendships with guys become complicated. More times than not, when a guy and a girl are really close friends, one of the two ends up falling for the other. And a lot of times, the other person isn't interested. My gal friends told me that he's the type of guy who'd get hurt be being led-on. But what is "led-on"? And furthermore, what is a relationship? Is it just a friendship with physical stuff going on? Or is it when even without a physical relationship, you feel as if there's no one in the world who you could possibly love as much as the person you're with? Is it when you feel as though you can take any hurt or pain that person gives you, and still love them more than any other person on earth? Is it when you don't care whether the person is in a wheelchair, or obese, or purple, or sickly because regardless, you're still going to be there for them and love them? Is it when you picture spending every waking moment with them? Is it when you can get into any argument, face any frustration, and face any trial and still come through together? And for believers, is it when you can discuss something with that person and not just hear the cliché,"I'll pray for you", knowing it will never happen, but you actually get fellowship, and encouragement from the Word of God? If not, then I want to know what a relationship is. And I don't know if I should tell my friend the primary reason I could never date him is because at this point, he's not a believer. It might push him further away from Christianity. He'd view me as another self-righteous Christian snob. And I don't know if it's right for me to confront him at all; to tell him that I'm still not interested and never will be, so he should just give up and fall in love with someone else. And maybe he's right about me. Maybe I'm just really unsure of what I want, but I want to act like I know what I want because there's the pain of uncertainty that comes with not knowing who that special someone is. All I know is that he has a heart, and a soul. And as a friend, I don't want to break his heart by "leading him on" and not re-confronting him. But I also don't want to break his heart by telling him that I'll probably never like him, "like that". I guess deep down inside somewhere, I do like him. But at this point in my life, I don't love him. And when I was little, I decided that I'd never want to date a guy I didn't want to marry. And I wouldn't want to marry a guy I don't love. And so, this is the complication that comes with having a very close guy friend, and I just don't know how to deal with it. *Sigh* I guess this post has nothing to do with anything. Other than the nature of guy friends, and how confused I am about how this society views dating relationships, and how I should view them from a Biblical perspective.
Later,
Rachel

Keep Smiling

So lately, I've had a lot going on in my life. I've been extremely stressed because of family things going on, the stress of being here at Westminster, the stress of not knowing for sure whether or not I should stay here, the stress of having a teacher who doesn't seem totally "for" me, and the stress of trying to prepare for two competitions on my own (which means memorizing two pretty major pieces in like 3 days, and trying to have them perfected in less than 3 weeks). If that doesn't spell stressed out, I don't know what does. But I've been somewhat convicted on the way I've been carrying myself. The conviction sorta stemmed from a situation during lunch on Monday. I prayed before lunch, and one of the girls at the table said,"Are you okay? Are you crying?" I was like, "Yeah, I'm fine, just praying." Then one of my friends (who is always sarcastic, but I've had a few chances to witness to him, and he's been surprisingly receptive) said, "Well if you pray, shouldn't you be smiling? Like, you don't smile anymore. You used to smile all the time. So does praying make you sad?" Even though he was being sarcastic, I was convicted because I realized, the world is watching me. The world is watching my response to trials to see if the God I talk about really exists; to see if He really brings joy, to see if maybe there is some security in having a Savior, to see if He really exists or if Christians are just religious fanatics who believe in nonsensical invisible things. And this morning, I read a devotional that had the verse 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 as the basis for the devotional. It reads, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me,'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" For some reason, I don't remember ever seeing that verse before. But that is my comfort; that His grace is sufficient for me. And thus, I don't need to stress. Because if I fear anything or if I'm stressed about things, I'm ultimately being a bad testimony. And on Sunday, I was also moved during church service. We sang "How Firm a Foundation" For some reason, the words and the verses totally popped out at me. It was like, they were sent to me from the Lord; a small reminder that He truly still cares for me, and He hasn't forgotten about me, but that instead, He's using these trials to grow me in Him. And after we finished singing, a baby yelled out, "YAY!" Of course, the congregation chuckled. I did too. But I wanted to cry. Because I felt like it was the voice of God coming out of a baby (I do realize that God doesn't speak through people anymore, so no, I'm not a crazed charismatic or anything; it just FELT like that), saying that He was glad that I was finding joy in Him. Anyway, I guess I really didn't have a point to this post other than to encourage you to keep smiling in the midst of your trials (and I know how hard it is to do), whatever they may be. Because the world really is watching. The world is curious about your faith, and what sets it apart from other faiths/religions. And if you're not happy and content and finding joy in the Lord, why should they have any reason to believe that they will if they come to know Him? "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Later,
Rachel

Unsure

So much for keeping up with blogging weekly. *Sigh* The past couple of weeks have been pretty intense for me. The stress never stops. Anyway, to say the least, I'm seriously considering transferring colleges. I'm not totally positive, but the biggest factor is that I feel like I'm not really connecting with my current teacher, and I'm always stressed here. Like honestly, the Lord has granted me the grace to be able to put up with the sin issues, so that's not the issue. But I really want to be in an environment where I can enjoy music. And here, I honestly can't. I think it's a great college to go to if you're a music ed major. Or if you're a vocal major. But for me, I feel like music is becoming more work than enjoyment, and I've always feared that. I decided to major in music because I love it. Sure, you can "hit the jackpot" and make a lot of money if you have all the right connections. But as of right now, I'm scared that I'll graduate from here and be like the 90% of Juilliard graduates who drop music altogether after graduation because of the intense pressure they had put on them while in college. Or be in a straightjacket. But recently, because of all of the stress, I've started doing some songwriting. And as much as I abhor theory, I'm constantly learning about chord progressions which helps me with the musical side of it. But I've also started learning that to write a song, every other line of the poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme. It can be written more like prose, and turn out okay. Anyway, I need to finish writing out one of my application essays. And I feel like I'm having a dejavu of last spring. *sigh* Later,
Rachel