Trusting

Lately, I've had somewhat of a hard time trusting the Lord. I'll be honest - saying I'm going to be SO incredibly confident in what the Lord has given me isn't easy. For me, it's pretty much impossible. I guess that once again, I'm having a hard time not being the pilot of my life. And lately, it seems that not only have I given up piloting my life, but the Lord has also taken away most of my navigation skills too. For one of the first times in my life, I'm unsure of so many things. Example 1.) - there's this guy that's suddenly come into my life out of nowhere. I don't know him all that well, but he seems like everything I've ever prayed for. He's so Christ-like in his conduct, he's hilarious, he's a musician, and he's just generally cool. The only deal is, he's a bit older than me. Okay, more like, 9 years. On top of that, he goes to my church (like, my = Minnesota), and I'm in New Jersey 3/4 of the year. So, I considered transferring schools, thinking that maybe the Lord has a plan for him in my life. In fact, even though I wanted to go to Austria this summer, I held off, hoping that something might click between us if I'm home for three months. And I'm so unsure of what the Lord is doing, and what I'm supposed to do to follow His lead. There seems to be a ton of signs that this guy is IT. But I'm not sure if the Lord is simply using this guy to draw me closer to Him, and maybe this guy isn't for me at all. Example 2 - this summer, I'm staying home. I've had a couple of people come up to me to tell me that they'd love to help promote my music career. Sweet, huh? Like, I know of 3 different people I could go to in order to develop a demo. I know of a couple of people who want to promote me, and get performance opportunities too. And now, I'm unsure again. Unsure of if I should be a songwriter, or a classical pianist. I've come to understand that you know the Lord's will by staying close to Him - by walking with Him, fellowshipping with Him, repenting to Him, and spending time basking in His wondrous love and mercy. Yet, sometimes I feel like there's still this uncertainty. Like maybe my desires are still fleshly, because afterall, I am still human. I'm fallen, and even though I feel close to the Lord, what if I'm deceiving myself into believing that my desires are the Lord's? It's all so confusing to me. And trust. Oh, trust is so hard. I can sometimes understand why Peter sank in the ocean when he tried to walk on water. Yeah, he could see Christ standing right before his very eyes. But then again, so can I. I see Christ working all around me, and yet, I don't trust Him. How wrong of me! To sink into the depths of this world's murky water, and to seriously contemplate taking the dirty/earthly turds of earth instead of the beautiful, priceless heavenly rewards Christ has in store for me? But letting go and letting God is so hard.

I'm honestly not sure why I'm writing this post at 1:30 in the morning. I guess because I've been so sleepless the past few days. Maybe it's the full moon - it's awfully glowy. Or maybe it's my full heart - a heart full of burdens that I'd rather try to figure out than leave up to the Lord. Whatever the reason, I know that I'm harming my Temple by being so worried about everything. It's lead to insomnia, and my thoughts are consumed with these two stressers. Anyway, I'm going to attempt to sleep now.

Later,
Rachel