I'll never catch up

I sit here writing this post when really, I should be getting some beauty sleep (both for my voice, as well as my body...I was singing so badly this evening that my brother told me to go to bed because I sounded exhausted [although I know he meant that I sounded bad]. :/ ) I have the Minnesota State Fair Talent competition Lord-willing tomorrow morning. I had a competition last weekend at the Washington County Fair. I made it to finals, and was very thankful. But the state fair? It's different. More people, better people, prettier people, taller people, thinner people, and the list goes ON and ON. Then I logged onto facebook (yes, I still have a terrible facebook addiction, although over the past week, i've decided that I'll try to start posting a status ONLY once every other day unless I have earth-shattering news going on...). I saw a piano major from my class (class of '13, woot!) at Wesminster Choir college had posted a video of some insane piano piece, saying the piece was what he's supposed to learn for next semester *Gulp* The worry set in. The idea that MAYBE, I should switch majors to be a vocal major, or maybe musical theatre? Perhaps I should only focus on Arts Administration and just ditch music altogether since it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. And then I realized, my perspective is all wrong. It sort of reminds me with my constant desire to be thinner. And packing on 7 pounds during my first year at college CERTAINLY didn't help. But why do I feel this way? It's not that I'm fat. Or that I'm a terrible pianist. Or that I'm a terrible vocalist. It's that I'm CONSTANTLY comparing myself to other people. CONSTANTLY. If I see an actress who seems to have THE perfect body, I might go a bit cray cray and search her BMI, and suppose that maybe if I had that BMI, I could have the same figure. And go on some fanatic diet where I'll lose a few pounds in a few days, and then gain it back (but I never take the time to think that maybe the actress has a different genetic make-up than me, and thus my body shape will NEVER change, regardless of how many pounds I lose). If I see a pianist is working on a piece more difficult than mine, I might go insane and try to learn a piece that is a few YEARS ahead of my level. And cry over the piece. And hurt my hands because they're too small for the piece. But my problem is comparison. It's hard for me to think, what if God made me different? What if I'm not supposed to be a girl with a slender 19.0 BMI? What if I'm not made to play pieces that were meant for people who have hands twice as big as mine? Who's to say that thin is best? Who's to say that fast, loud, furious, and reaches of 13ths are best? What if there is no best? And that's what I love about art. I'm SO thankful that the Lord has given art to mankind. It's a way to express ourselves when we can't put our thoughts into words. He made each and every one of us differently. Some of us are DaVinci's who paint masterpieces, or who play thunderous piano wonders. Some of us are postmodern artists who show the simple and the quiet and the beautiful intricacies of life that otherwise go unnoticed, or who play the quiet Mozart "tinkle tinkle" music a thousand times better than Rachmaninoff. But that's okay. Because God has a place for each and every one of us. And He chooses to use us in ways that we don't always understand. It doesn't always make life easy. But it does always leave me curious, because I wonder what He's up to next. I know that His plans for me are perfect and far better than I can imagine, yet in my sinful stubborn flesh, I try to figure things out my own way, oftentimes by comparing myself to others and trying to "outdo" them because I don't totally trust that the Lord can bring about what's best for my life. And it's tragic. And it leaves me in the muck of despair, stress, and worry (which is part of the reason I have an acne-ridden face, and why I need beauty sleep....but more importantly, why I need prayer). Ah, if only the Lord would grant me true faith like a child. It's so easy to talk about, yet so hard to do. And it's funny, tomorrow I'm singing the Lord's prayer in combination with The Valley Song by Jars of Clay. It's ironic that the lyrics in the Lord's Prayer speak SO much about faith like a child. I guess I need to hear more of the message of the song rather than worrying about trying to get vibrato on the high b-flat.


Later,
Rachel