Wedding overload

Ah, the wedding planning is starting to get to me a bit. It's like, I'm really excited, but I'm starting to feel like a bridezilla. So many choices, so many people not giving me enough time to make up my mind on the choices, and...ugh. It's just frustrating. To make matters worse, yesterday I totally booked a scammy cruise, thinking it would be a legit cruise for a honeymoon, and now I have to go through the trouble of filing scam/fraud papers. Ugh. I don't want to say I'm stressed out, because it's not like I'm not trusting the Lord in everything, or like I'm just so overwhelmed and can't handle it. It's just like, so much is going on at once. And I'm not exactly sure what to think of everything. I really want to be more excited about being engaged, and about the wedding. But with so much chaos, and so much to do and so little time, it's hard. And then, piano. Granted, like I mentioned in my last post, I realize that I basically tossed aside all of my dreams for my wonderful, amazing fiance. But I have to admit, it's hard at points. Like, I feel this longing to play for hours, but I know that I have to make time for him. Or like during the past couple of weeks, I have had more time to practice, and I fall in love with my pieces. I become more aware of how thrilling it is to be able to sightread through a sonata and not have to work at learning it. And then it hits me - oh yeah, I'm not learning this to build my repertoire to try to make it into Juilliard for grad school. And it's just weird - not bad, but weird. And then there's the fear of losing it. Like, what if after I graduate and I stop having lessons, I get pregnant and have kids and completely drop it? Ugh. Fear. I know I'm not supposed to be anxious for anything, but lately, I feel anxious for so many things. I just need to pray for patience, grace, and faith. And then there's the gnawing fear of being alone. I mean, part of the reason I left Wisconsin in the first place is because I felt so disconnected, like I didn't have any friends. And now I'm back. And truth be told, I still don't, other than my fiance. And it's difficult. But then again, maybe it's a good thing. Because I have such a tendency to be self-reliant. And by having to start out my married life without a lot of extra connections, it forces me to cling closer to the Lord, and it will continue to force me to become closer to my wonderful husband-to-be.

Later,
Rachel