My life is SO in the hands of God

Well, today has been a very interesting day. At least the beginning of it. So I woke up at about 5:30 a.m. with terrible lung cramps. I haven't experienced them so badly since I was 8 years old. It's a really weird feeling, like....whichever lung hurts, it feels like it's like stuck or something. And when I try to breathe in, I get this intensely sharp pain, like someone is stabbing me or something. And this lasted for 20 minutes this morning. But honestly, I'm thankful for experiences like that. I mean, I seriously felt like I was dying. And I felt totally helpless too. Like, I was suffocating because of pain, and yet there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't call my mom because I felt like it'd waste my breath, and she couldn't do anything anyway. So, I sat there and started crying not because I was scared of dying or anything, but because I thought about how quick life is. And how, so often, I take breaths, moments, days, or even years for granted. I take experiences for granted. And I also take people for granted. And I was thinking, if I die, how will people remember me? Who will I be remembered for? A "nice" girl? Or as some guy at Eastman told me after knowing me for a week, "a typical goody-two-shoes Christian girl"? A girl who gave up like every normal highschool experience for piano? Or, will I be remembered as a Christian? And not just a goody-two-shoes. But, a true Christian? A girl who REALLY spread the love of Christ, not a girl who just followed all of the rules? And I also thought about how quickly people are forgotten. I mean, I've only known two people who have died, neither who were very close to me, but when my grandma and great uncle died, it was like, they were in conversation for about a month. And then....they're rarely brought up in conversation anymore. And they are sorta forgotten, but at the same time, whatever memories or impressions I have of them, they're passed down to me from my parents' insight into their characters. Anyway, I guess that my 20 minute experience to what felt near death for me was amazing. I felt what I haven't felt in 8 years. That my life is truly in the hands of God, and that I can trust Him with anything: whether it be what college I go to, or my next breath. Later,
Rachel

Roller Coaster

So lately my life has been really hectic. Funny how that happens. Like, for a few months, my life is SO BORING and nothing new happens. Then all of a sudden.....KABAM! I get whapped in the face with extreme busyness. So, as you all know, I got rejected from Colburn. So, the next step was to apply somewhere else. So, I applied to Oberlin, the Conservatory that I've REALLY wanted to apply to all along. So, a week after my Colburn rejection (and like 4 days after completing my application), my parents and I went to Oberlin for an audition. Regardless of what happens, it's really a miracle that I was able to apply and audition. The deadline to submit the Oberlin application was December 1,2008. On top of that, all of the live auditions were said to be full, so no more live auditions could be scheduled. Yet, the Dean gave me permission to apply AND schedule a live audition. And it was really nice because once I got there, before I went into my audition, he gave me a hug and said that he hopes I can make it in. And all of the people there were really really nice. They tried to make the audition experience enjoyable and not nervewracking. I'm not sure what the audition commitee was looking for....or exactly how my audition went (I did the audition a day after getting sick...fever and all, so I had 2 doses of NyQuil the day before my audition, and the symptoms of a cold....and I ended up getting some arm muscle strain that felt like tendinitis a few days before the audition), but because of all of the hurdles that I had to jump to do the audition, it's a blessing and a miracle that I was allowed to do it. I should find out by the end of this month whether or not I was accepted.And then I'm also going to be applying to the Chicago College of Performing Arts. And I've already applied to Swarthmore and Westminster Choir College, so if all of those fall through, or if for some reason I decide not to go to one of those colleges, then I'll probably apply to the University of Arizona and the University of New Mexico. I know, random universities, right,lol? But I think that it'd be awesome to be in a really warm climate with tons of diversity. There's something that's really cool to me about meeting people from all over the world like I did at Interlochen and Eastman. It just reminds me that the US isn't all that exists in the world, and it's so easy to get caught up in the American comfort zone and forget that there are billions of other people out there who have our same interests and life goals. And it's REALLY neat to meet other Christians from other places around the world. Anyway, yesterday I ended up failing my road test for driver's ed. But oh well. So tis life I guess. I also had another Master Class. That was fun, but I definitely didn't do half as good as I could have, so that was discouraging. And I had a piano competition last weekend. I did make it to finals (PRAISE THE LORD!), which means that out of all of the competitors from 9-12th grade who competed in the Young Artist competition all around Minnesota (and possibly a few kids from North/South Dakota, Iowa, and Wisconsin who have teachers who live in Minnesota and are memebers of MMTA), I was in the top twelve! So I was really thankful for that because this year has been somewhat discouraging with piano. And I get to play Dvorak's Slavonic Dance No. 6 at an Honor's Concert at Northrop Auditorium @ the U of Minnesota at the end of May (and I get to wear a formal evening gown too!!!!)! The Lord can encourage even in the midst of discouragement. Well, I better get back on recording my pieces for Chicago's audition. Later,
Rachel

Rejection

So, I just got news to make this week seemingly the worst week of my life. Then again, maybe, just maybe, it's actually the best week of my life. I mean, the trials make you stronger, right? So I just opened an e-mail like twenty minutes ago. And my worst fear came true. Rejection. And, how do you deal with it? I mean, first I tried to act all calm. But I can't. For some reason, I can't stop crying. And I sorta thought about a C.S. Lewis quote, about how the only way you won't ever be heartbroken is if you lock up your heart and shut it and never let anyone into it, because at some time or another, if you truly love anyone, you will be hurt by them. And I think that's sorta the same way with hope, ya know? Like, the only way that you can guard yourself from being broken is by not hoping in anything. And originally, that was my plan. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn't just ex off Colburn. I couldn't just go on without any hope of making it in. And yes, that's the e-mail I'm talking about. A rejection letter from Colburn. So, now I'm somewhat shattered. I mean, how am I supposed to take not getting past a pre-screening even? At times like this, I sorta consider quitting music. Like, maybe this is just a sign that I should pursue something else, and God's only way of getting that across to me is to allow me to really mess up some recitals or competitions or get rejected from a measley pre-screening portion of a conservatory's audition process. I just don't know some times. But in the midst of it all, I do have faith that the Lord will work all things out better than I could ever imagine. Later,
Rachel

The Sunken Cathedral - Claude Debussy

This is a new fave Debussy piece of mine. I love it. I really really wanna play it someday. It's not too hard, but as of right now, my hands are way to little to reach all of the chords necessary to make it sound right. :( It's really relaxing. Great to listen to while doing hw,lol. Not your typical classical piece.

The Road Not Taken

So lately, I've been contemplating alot. About various things. And Robert Frost's poem 'The Road Not Taken' has come to mind alot. Particularly the last 3 lines, which go, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." And like, I guess I just sorta think that of course providentially, I have taken the road less traveled by in my short 16 years here on earth. Like, at times, my life seems so....well, random. Like, so many quick decisions that, during the decision-making process seem really unfeasible, yet the Lord has worked everything out in my life. And at times, I wonder if I should've taken the road more traveled by; the road that's typical, or the road that seems to make sense. Like this weekend, I went ice skating and thought, I wonder if I should've stuck with ice skating, or ballet, or gymnastics. Taken the road more trod upon and stuck with that interest for as long as was physically possible. And I think of how I've jumped in and out of so many arenas, and at the time of making the decisions, I had no idea how in the world everything would work out. Yet, my random life has been planned ahead by the Lord, before the foundation of the world. Like Psalm 139 says, all of my days were written in God's book before time. And though at times my life seems so random that it seems that it's a miracle in and of itself that it hasn't totally fallen apart already, the Lord has ordained this "random" life of mine, and I know that all things will work together for me because I do love and trust Him, and He's promised that He will work all things together for our good and His glory if we truly love Him. And I can rest in that comfort. I've also been somewhat convicted lately on my lack of faith at times. Like, with Colburn specifically. I mean, I'm so anxious to get the results of my pre-screening audition. And I fear it will be rejection. And I've been telling my parents that all along, and they have gotten increasingly annoyed (or not really annoyed, more like....dissapointed) by my lack of faith and stuff. And finally, my dad told my mom on the phone one day, "Remind Rachel that she only had a 3% chance of surviving the meningitis and encephalitis illness that she had without being mentally disabled, deaf, or dead. And God is still the same now as He was at that point of time, and if it's His will, she can get accepted to Colburn." And he's so right. I mean, obviously I can't have the name-it-claim-it type deal where I say "I've got faith that I'll make it, so I will!", yet, I can't doubt God. And if He desires for me to be at Colburn, then I'll get accepted. And until I find out His will, there's absolutely nothing wrong with praying to get accepted somewhere I wanna go. So as I enter this month where I will receive my first round of results from Colburn, I will trust that the Lord knows where I need to go. Later,
Rachel

um.......

The title of my post very accurately describes what happened to me this afternoon. I seriously think that it was the very worst performance of my entire life. Funny how it followed what was perhaps the best audition of my life too though, seeing that I had an audition for a master class yesterday, and miraculously, that went amazingly well. I wasn't nervous at all and I was full of smiles last night....which is very rare for me during any audition or competition. I'm usually really really REALLY jittery, nervous, and just plain silent. However this afternoon, I experienced my usual before-performance stage fright. I think that alot of it could've been due to the fact that I really haven't been practicing much lately...I'm lucky to get in 2 hours of practice a day. And when I have practiced, I've been focusing on my more difficult pieces, and since today I was supposed to play an etude, I figured that I could put it off a bit and focus on my more difficult pieces. So right before I was going to play, I told my piano teacher that I was really nervous about the piece because I hadn't been practicing it much. She, being extremely nice as she usually is, just said, "Oh, Rachel, you've played the etude a bunch of times this fall and it's been great every time! Plus, everyone loves hearing it! You'll do fine." But I didn't. I got on stage, and totally blanked out, like a total brain fart. I couldn't remember anything past the first measure. Seriously. So I started playing REALLY fast just to get over the more difficult parts.My adrenaline seriously took over, and I swear, that's the fastest I've ever played the piece (thank goodness it's supposed to be a fast piece anyway). I somehow managed to end with both hands together (thank the Lord), but it was all a mess. It was so hard for me to wait until after I left the recital to burst into tears, rather than doing it during my piece (if it could even be called a piece). I think that's probably the third time I've ever cried over a performance in my life. I mean, I know I'm not perfect. Yet, there's something utterly humiliating about attempting to play a piece and totally wrecking it. Especially since it gives off the impression that I tried to throw it together in a week or something.....the people in the audience don't see that it took 4 months to learn the piece. I guess I'm just really thankful that it wasn't a competition. THAT would've kept me crying for days. But it's odd because I played just a few minutes earlier, and the piece was totally fine. As was the Debussy Toccata. Funny that I got an applause from some guy who wasn't even coming to the concert with that piece, yet I couldn't make it through the recital piece. My teacher said that she thinks part of it was due to the fact that I hadn't had a lesson in over a month until Wednesday, part of it was due to the fact that I'd sat for an hour and a half before playing after I warmed up (and I hadn't stretched out either....oops), and part of it was due to the fact that I've been playing the piece all the way through and not doing memory checks on it. Anyway, I guess I can't let one dreadfully bad experience make me quit, but sometimes it's hard. It's hard to work away at a piece for so long, and to not get the results I want. And it really scares me to think that I'm SO close to competitions (like, I have one every other weekend in March and April)and I'm messing up this badly right now.But like my teacher told me after the recital, if every baby decided that since it tumbled after its first attempt at walking it'd give up walking, we'd all still be crawling around. I guess I just can't wait until Monday....that's when I'll find out the results from the master class audition that I had yesterday. Hopefully the results are positive. Hopefully. Later,
Rachel

By Your Side-Tenth Avenue North

This song is REALLY encouraging to me, and I just thought I'd post it on my blog.