um.......

The title of my post very accurately describes what happened to me this afternoon. I seriously think that it was the very worst performance of my entire life. Funny how it followed what was perhaps the best audition of my life too though, seeing that I had an audition for a master class yesterday, and miraculously, that went amazingly well. I wasn't nervous at all and I was full of smiles last night....which is very rare for me during any audition or competition. I'm usually really really REALLY jittery, nervous, and just plain silent. However this afternoon, I experienced my usual before-performance stage fright. I think that alot of it could've been due to the fact that I really haven't been practicing much lately...I'm lucky to get in 2 hours of practice a day. And when I have practiced, I've been focusing on my more difficult pieces, and since today I was supposed to play an etude, I figured that I could put it off a bit and focus on my more difficult pieces. So right before I was going to play, I told my piano teacher that I was really nervous about the piece because I hadn't been practicing it much. She, being extremely nice as she usually is, just said, "Oh, Rachel, you've played the etude a bunch of times this fall and it's been great every time! Plus, everyone loves hearing it! You'll do fine." But I didn't. I got on stage, and totally blanked out, like a total brain fart. I couldn't remember anything past the first measure. Seriously. So I started playing REALLY fast just to get over the more difficult parts.My adrenaline seriously took over, and I swear, that's the fastest I've ever played the piece (thank goodness it's supposed to be a fast piece anyway). I somehow managed to end with both hands together (thank the Lord), but it was all a mess. It was so hard for me to wait until after I left the recital to burst into tears, rather than doing it during my piece (if it could even be called a piece). I think that's probably the third time I've ever cried over a performance in my life. I mean, I know I'm not perfect. Yet, there's something utterly humiliating about attempting to play a piece and totally wrecking it. Especially since it gives off the impression that I tried to throw it together in a week or something.....the people in the audience don't see that it took 4 months to learn the piece. I guess I'm just really thankful that it wasn't a competition. THAT would've kept me crying for days. But it's odd because I played just a few minutes earlier, and the piece was totally fine. As was the Debussy Toccata. Funny that I got an applause from some guy who wasn't even coming to the concert with that piece, yet I couldn't make it through the recital piece. My teacher said that she thinks part of it was due to the fact that I hadn't had a lesson in over a month until Wednesday, part of it was due to the fact that I'd sat for an hour and a half before playing after I warmed up (and I hadn't stretched out either....oops), and part of it was due to the fact that I've been playing the piece all the way through and not doing memory checks on it. Anyway, I guess I can't let one dreadfully bad experience make me quit, but sometimes it's hard. It's hard to work away at a piece for so long, and to not get the results I want. And it really scares me to think that I'm SO close to competitions (like, I have one every other weekend in March and April)and I'm messing up this badly right now.But like my teacher told me after the recital, if every baby decided that since it tumbled after its first attempt at walking it'd give up walking, we'd all still be crawling around. I guess I just can't wait until Monday....that's when I'll find out the results from the master class audition that I had yesterday. Hopefully the results are positive. Hopefully. Later,
Rachel