New Start

I haven't written on here for a while, mainly out of busyness. But I'm glad that at least for the next two weeks, I can relax, if only a little bit. This past semester proved to be very difficult, but I thank the Lord that I made it through. At the beginning of October, I had back spasms which sent me to the ER and made me miss half a week of classes. Then I got a really bad cold/flu deal right afterwards. Then I got a series of fevers, and nosebleeds, and I ended up missing another week of classes. Then when I came home for Thanksgiving, due to flight schedules, I missed two days of classes. Needless to say, in college, missing two weeks of classes in a semester REALLY puts you behind. There are the professors that understood and didn't count the absences against me since I still managed to get my homework done. Yet, I really started hating being forced to miss classes because I realized that even missing one day put me really far behind, and I had to try to digest the material on my own. On top of that (and partially because of that), I was living off of 2-6 hours of sleep every night. I can probably count on one hand how many days I got in bed (and stayed in bed without my roommie bringing in people or having friends come in and tell me, "It's only 1 a.m. What are you doing in bed already?!") before midnight. Then there was the stress towards the end of the semester of finals, and being asked out by two of the 4 available straight guys in freshman class and having a very difficult time saying no. Then there was the difficulty of being encouraged by Bible study, but having that encouragement slapped down by the way people lived their lives. And there was the stress of walking in on my roommate having drinking parties in our room and asking her to leave, even though I'd already discussed with her that I don't want any drinking in the room. There was the stress of feeling alone a lot, because as people got to know who I really am, they started dividing from me. At first, everyone was cool with me being "the quiet girl", but as I started to speak up based on conviction, people (including professors) got really irritated at me. One day, I had my English professor debate abortion with me in front of my entire writing class for 45 minutes. Then a few classes later, he proceeded to dissect my paper against abortion in front of the class (although since it was an opinionated research essay, he ended up being the one looking pretty silly because he could only debate that I didn't include anything about tax money spent on foster care and add that my thesis statement should be at the end of the paper, not the beginning). However, as fretful as I was about that, the Lord ended up turning that around as well, and I ended up doing really well in the course. Piano last semester was interesting though. I felt like I was every other major except for piano. The coursework kept me so busy that I hardly had any time to practice. I was really nervous about my jury, but thankfully it went alright. Despite all the trials this past semester, the Lord has really been good to me. He's granted me the ability to say "no" (I swear, that two-letter word is the hardest word to come out of my mouth. Saying it seriously makes me want to cry), and if I've learned nothing else this semester, I'm thankful for that.

This semester, things will be a bit different. I'm going to be getting a new roommate (who is also a Christian and has the same moral standards as me.... in fact, she seems even a bit more strict on some things than I am, which is totally cool).I am thinking of dropping one of my courses, since 17 credits last semester drove me insane. It's impossible to be expected to study and do well in the humanities courses and spend 4 to 5 hours a day practicing piano. Yet, I need 4 to 5 hours a day to practice piano, especially this semester considering that I have three competitions I'd like to enter (2 of which I am definitely entering) and my pieces this semester are a lot more difficult than they were last semester (although they still probably aren't as difficult as they could be). On top of possibly dropping a course, I plan to add a minor in arts administration. I figure that at least if I have a minor in administration, then if things go downhill with music and I can't get a job as a performer or an orchestral accompanist (although I really pray that doesn't happen), at least I'd be able to get a job with a decent paycheck. I've also decided against minoring in voice, because a minor won't mean anything but more coursework for me, and since I'm already singing in choir and voice class at least 7 hours a week, it really wouldn't add very much of a bonus. I'm also praying about what to do this upcoming summer. I really want to come back home, and so I'm looking for any performing opportunities (or accompanying opportunities) possible. I have 2 church pianist jobs set up so far if I do come back home. Yet it seems like all of the great music opportunities are on the East Coast, so part of me wants to stay in New Jersey. On top of that, I don't have a piano teacher here, and if I did get one, there's the whole deal of having to either drive to the U of Minnesota or MacPhail Center for the Arts every week of the summer for lessons. There's just so much to consider. Anyway, I really need to practice, but I will try to keep this blog updated much better this year (It's one of my resolutions, along with writing in my diary every day, regardless of how busy or tired I am :D)!

Later,
Rachel

College life

So far, college has been really good. It's also kept me really busy, to say the least. Living off of between 3 and 5 hours practically every night has been a new experience for me. The people here have been pretty cool. Although I know almost everyone here, I have a group of close friends who I tend to only hang out with. My piano teacher's been amazing and really patient. Everyone has found out that I'm 16 though, so that's been really....interesting. My roommate told some people who then told other people, who then told other people....annndd in a class of only 92 people, news (and unfortunately, gossip) spreads REALLY fast. But the past few days, I've started to realize something. I've definitely worked my butt off since I've been here. However, some of the things my choir director has said have really convicted me. *sidenote alert* Like, when we first got here, during orientation, some student group leaders had a little skit pretending to be superheroes. And the quote of orientation week was "with great talent comes great responsibility." And as corny as that line sounds, it's really true. Thus, my choir's director has started really pushing us to work harder the past couple of weeks, almost as if to reinforce the slogan we heard our first couple of days on campus. And although I feel like I'm working very hard (okay, more like, I KNOW I am), I feel like I could be working harder. Unless I get to the point where I have no time for facebook, and I can't hang out with anyone, I'm not working as hard as I possibly can. I know I can't become a social recluse either, but the hardest part of college has been learning how to manage my time. On top of that, I'm starting to feel like maayybbeee the Lord's still leading me to sing. Somehow. I mean, when I sing in front of people, I get nervous and I sound like a mouse. But when it comes down to it, I'd much rather sing and play piano for hours than play a Beethoven sonata. And honestly, deep down inside, I feel like it's not by mishap that I'm at a choir college. A choir college which is one of the best (if not the best) vocal music schools in the world. The voice faculty here are amazing. Although I didn't audition for a vocal minor this year, I'm definitely going to next year. I enjoy singing too much not to. Anyway, I should probably get off of here and start putting to work what I'm talking about. Later,
Rachel

Leaving

So I only have three days left at home. Insane. It's funny, at times it sorta seemed like this time would never come. Like, basically time when I'd be out on my own. Sorta. And since I've been 13, I've been like, 'Wooooohoo, I can't wait until I go to college,' yet now, I have mixed feelings. I'm definitely ready for this huge step towards independence, but a part of me feels a bit sad. Sorta like the time I packed up all of my barbies in a box and put them in the basement, realizing that I'd outgrown them. Like, there's this huge sense of parting, but also somewhat of a sense of feeling a little grown up (and I know, that sounds lame and immature, but this blog is meant for me to spill out my thoughts, right? :p ). And it's really depressing looking at my once-totally-packed closet now half empty. And I did find out that I will only be rooming with one roommate. Who I don't know too well yet. And I've decided to audition for a voice minor. I dunno how my audition will go, or if I'll get accepted into the vocal program, but I really hope I do. Yet, I have a feeling that they'll say since my voice isn't totally matured yet, I'll have to wait a couple more years to audition for it again. But honestly, I think this will be a very good experience for me. I can start a new chapter in my life with a blank slate. I only have actually met three people who will be going there (through Eastman's camp last summer) , but I think that's a good thing. It'll force me to come out of my shell a bit, but in a good way. And I will be totally immersed in music. It's funny because I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago, and she was telling me of all of her goals to be a renown author, singer, and psychiatrist with a doctorate degree (the previous three occupations she wants to do for a good pad of money in her bank account), an amazing wife, and a wonderful mother (and there's absolutely nothing wrong with all of that, it's just pretty much humanly impossible to be all five and effective at all five). And then she asked me, "What are you going to do with a piano major? Like, what can you do with that degree? And if you don't take math and science, what do you do all day? Won't you get bored of just practicing all the time?" And I guess for the first time, it occurred to me that people who aren't musicians probably can't understand how I could possibly want to major in something that might not pay off in terms of money. Or what could possess me to want to lock myself in a practice room for countless hours a day. But I guess really, I can't explain why either. All I know is that I love it. And I'd rather spend the rest of my life doing something I love, even if it means coming home to a cardboard shack every day, then to be a multimillionaire with a job that's pure torture and sacrifice my future family for it. And maybe I won't be the concert pianist or orchestral accompanist I want to be. Maybe all I'll end up doing is playing for a tiny little church somewhere and being a piano teacher. But regardless, I know that by doing music as my career, I'll be happy. Because I know without a doubt that it's what the Lord wants me to do. Anyway, tomorrow I have my last church gig thinymabob, so I better get off and try to organize some sort of program for that. Later,
Rachel

Growing up and away

So as of today, I only have 30 days left at home...29 if I don't include today. And until this point, I've been insanely excited. And I still am very much so. But on Saturday, while watching Marley and Me, I had a total bawling fit. I guess it was just like, that movie really hit me hard. It made me realize that things at home will never be the same. After I leave home, when I come back at breaks, sure I'll still be my parents' kid. But I've seen how my parents treat my brothers when they come home. It's like, they treat them like their kids, but also like guests. Which will be weird. And I know that my perspective on life will change. My thought processes will grow broader, my responsibilities will become greater, and everything will change. The only thing that'll remain the same is my relationship with the Lord. And I guess in all of life, that's the only thing that really remains stable. I read a book before that said that growing up is like having a house, and walking into it one day and having all of the furniture rearranged: walking into each room and having the furniture from one room placed into another, or having no curtains where there were some. And I know that will happen. In 30 days. Both literally and figuratively. For the next four years, college will be home. My dorm room will be home. And my current home will only be a vacationing retreat. And even though I may only be 16, I'm entering the world of adulthood. In 30 days. And it seems so fast. Like, where did this summer go? Where did highschool go? Where did my life so far go? And as much as I've looked forward to "independence", part of me is also a little bit nervous. Yet I have to make clear that I DO want to go to college. It wasn't my parents' decision. It was TOTALLY mine. I know that if I said I wanted to stay home another year, my parents would be so insanely happy. In fact, my dad has become teary a couple of times while talking about college. Whenever I mention going away in just a couple more weeks, my dad will leave the room with teary eyes and say he doesn't want to talk about it. Yet, anyway. And he's told me that if for any reason I feel uncomfortable or not ready for college once I get to Westminster, I'm welcome to come back home. Even if it's mid-semester and I can't get a refund on my tuition. He says that if I want to come back home, that I really shouldn't hesitate to tell them; that I shouldn't think that anyone will think I'm a failure. And I really appreciate that. Yet, I think I'm ready for college. In fact, I don't just think I am. I know I am. I may be nervous. I might even be a little scared.And I know that I'm a weak person physically and emotionally. But I know that if I'm grounded in the Lord like the tree by the water mentioned in Psalm 1, I will be safe and secure in Him wherever I go in life. I know that the Lord will be my strength, even in my weaknesses. Whether secular environment or Christian environment. Biblically, there is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ. Absolutely nothing can take away my security in Him. So it is in that truth that I have to rest. Even though I'm a bit sad that I only have 30 days. And I know if I stayed home another year, I'd become wrestless. I've thought everything through, and I don't believe that where I now call home is any place for me. It hasn't really felt like home since the moment my fam moved here. I don't think it's by mishap that I got rejected from other conservatories and accepted at Westminster. I think the Lord knew where I needed to be, and to make the decision process easier for me, He had me rejected from every single place I applied except Westminster. And I am very excited and insanely thankful. Even though I'm growing up and flying away from this little town. Later,
Rachel

Crazy busy

So I've been busy lately with working and trying to get stuff together for college, which means some major researching on clothes/dorm stuff.I still can't believe that as of tomorrow, I only have 7 weeks left. Like seriously, where has this summer gone?! It's already over halfway over. Anyway, I've looked at my course schedule online and it's crazy. I'm scheduled by my advisor to take 17 credits. Tuesdays and Thursdays, my classes will start at 8 a.m. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, my classes will start at 9:10 a.m. And every day except Wednesdays, my day will be full with classes except a 12 p.m.-1 p.m. break until 2:20 p.m. Wednesdays, I won't be done until 6 p.m. And then I'm going to be in 2 a capella groups, and one intervarsity group. And of course I'm going to have to get in at least 4 hours of practice daily. Which means I'll have pretty much no time whatsoever. Even if I do wake up at 6 a.m. every single morning like I plan to. *sigh* But I'm very excited nontheless. I've already decided which comforter I want to get and I've decided which storage extras I'll need (and which ones I don't need, but I want,haha :D). Unfortunately, in all of my excitement, I've somehow lost a drive to practice piano a ton (whhiiiccch is what I'm going to college for; not for fashion or organizational skills :/). Anyway, for a little bit of comedy, I've included a Miranda vid. I absolutely LOVE watching these videos. It actually gives me a tad bit of hope for having a musical future. :p This song is called Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. I'd never heard of the group/singer/whatev until the guy who's in charge of the a capella groups posted it as a song that we'll be singing in the a capella group...except hopefully a thousand times better than Miranda,haha. Enjoy,lol.
Later,
Rachel

Who am I

So lately, I've been REALLY busy. I've had no time for blogging, and surprisingly, I've been on facebook less than 5 hours per day. :p Anyway, the past week and a half has been a little rough for me. Last Monday, I had an audition for a Master Class and I didn't get through. And sure, maybe part of it is that I haven't had a lesson in over a month. But still. It plays on me. And then today, I had a Master Class. It went horribly. My playing went horribly. The Master Class went horribly. It was just....horrible. And I had a conversation with the vice president of the festival the Master Class was a part of. And it made me a bit discouraged. Again. Made me wonder why in the world I'm pursuing music. Made me wonder if I even have a chance in the music world. Until this evening when I went to accompany at a church. And it was like, the Lord wrote the verses in the bulletin. Job 38:1-11 were the verses. I'll only post the eleven verses, but I went back to read Job 38-42. And the conversation between Job and God continues for a while. "Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said: Who is this who darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Now prepare yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer Me. Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?Tell Me, if you have understanding.Who determined its measurements?Surely you know!Or who stretched the line upon it? To what were its foundations fastened?Or who laid its cornerstone,When the morning stars sang together,And all the sons of God shouted for joy? Or who shut in the sea with doors,When it burst forth and issued from the womb;When I made the clouds its garment,And thick darkness its swaddling band;When I fixed My limit for it,And set bars and doors;When I said,‘This far you may come, but no farther, And here your proud waves must stop!" And Job's reply is simply(Job 42:2),"I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You." And that has to be my reply too. I don't know why I'm doing music. I can't explain why I love it so much. I can't tell what the future will or won't hold for me. But I do know one thing. I know that the Lord can do everything, and that no purpose of His can be stopped. It doesn't matter how improbable or how probable certain circumstances are. It doesn't matter if I have a low IQ or a high IQ. It doesn't matter if I end up being a person who tries at music and in the world's eyes, fails or if I end up being a Mozart. All that matters is that the Lord is in control and He can do anything He wants to with my life. So even though at this point in my life when I'm totally blinded to the future it's hard to rest in that, I know that the Lord has my hand and He's taking me through this crazy life maze and in the end, everything He has planned for me will be far better than I ever could've imagined it. Later,
Rachel

Speechless

So, last night was what a homeschool music girl like me would consider her graduation. :) I had my senior recital in St. Cloud, and it was absolutely amazing. My playing, not so much. But the people there were SO amazing. My 2nd grade teacher was there too, which was really awesome. And two of my previous piano teachers (yes, I've actually had more than 1....7 if I include all my camp teachers,haha). Not to mention a ton of neighbors and friends who I hadn't seen in forever. Apparently, some people started crying in the middle of the program, which really encouraged me. Like, that's why I'm doing music. Because of the people. Of all the people, to know that an older man who can appear to be tough and maybe even calloused could cry is so encouraging. And then, to get a standing ovation at the end of my first solo recital/mini-concert was really really cool. And what encouraged me the most were the number of people that showed up. Like, I was sorta worried that I'd be playing to only a few people, but my brothers actually had to pull out extra chairs! The room was full. And that in and of itself touched me SO much. To know that I'm not forgotten; to know that someone cares that I'm alive; to know that not only people have touched my life, but somehow, I've touched theirs too is crazy amazing. And such a blessing. And it was really nice because one family friend said that she could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in the room. And although I was really anxious toward the beginning, at the end, a calm came upon me. And that's like a miracle because me, calm, playing piano and singing in front of people? Like, can the three things even go together? The whole evening was just a blessing. And the new best day of my life. Seriously. And it's like, sure, I'm thankful for Wisconsin too, yet even after being here for five years, it doesn't really feel like home. To me, Clearwater Minnesota is home. Not just because I grew up there either, but because most of the people who have had an impact on my life are from there. And because the people there appreciate me. Like, there's absolutely nothing like not seeing someone for 5 years and hearing,"I miss your smile". Absolutely nothing. So what made last night so special wasn't just the event. What made last night so special were the people who made it all possible; the piano teachers who, by God's grace, have helped me come to where I have musically; the school teachers who, even in early elementary school, have said that average isn't enough and that I need to work my absolute hardest, even if it's simply working my hardest at cursive; the neighbors and friends who encouraged me to continue with music; the people. So it was a real blessing. And I am officially done with high school. For forever. It seems crazy. But it's a blessing. And honestly, sometimes I seriously do stand in awe at the Lord and His work. Taking me, a girl who only had a three percent chance of surviving the meningitis and encephalitis without being deaf and mentally disabled, and giving me the gift of music. The Lord is amazing. And He truly does use the weak things, even if the weak thing is me, to confound the wise. Well, I have a song for this post too to sum up this year for me. :) Less Like Scars by Sarah Groves-



Later,
Rachel