Speechless

So, last night was what a homeschool music girl like me would consider her graduation. :) I had my senior recital in St. Cloud, and it was absolutely amazing. My playing, not so much. But the people there were SO amazing. My 2nd grade teacher was there too, which was really awesome. And two of my previous piano teachers (yes, I've actually had more than 1....7 if I include all my camp teachers,haha). Not to mention a ton of neighbors and friends who I hadn't seen in forever. Apparently, some people started crying in the middle of the program, which really encouraged me. Like, that's why I'm doing music. Because of the people. Of all the people, to know that an older man who can appear to be tough and maybe even calloused could cry is so encouraging. And then, to get a standing ovation at the end of my first solo recital/mini-concert was really really cool. And what encouraged me the most were the number of people that showed up. Like, I was sorta worried that I'd be playing to only a few people, but my brothers actually had to pull out extra chairs! The room was full. And that in and of itself touched me SO much. To know that I'm not forgotten; to know that someone cares that I'm alive; to know that not only people have touched my life, but somehow, I've touched theirs too is crazy amazing. And such a blessing. And it was really nice because one family friend said that she could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in the room. And although I was really anxious toward the beginning, at the end, a calm came upon me. And that's like a miracle because me, calm, playing piano and singing in front of people? Like, can the three things even go together? The whole evening was just a blessing. And the new best day of my life. Seriously. And it's like, sure, I'm thankful for Wisconsin too, yet even after being here for five years, it doesn't really feel like home. To me, Clearwater Minnesota is home. Not just because I grew up there either, but because most of the people who have had an impact on my life are from there. And because the people there appreciate me. Like, there's absolutely nothing like not seeing someone for 5 years and hearing,"I miss your smile". Absolutely nothing. So what made last night so special wasn't just the event. What made last night so special were the people who made it all possible; the piano teachers who, by God's grace, have helped me come to where I have musically; the school teachers who, even in early elementary school, have said that average isn't enough and that I need to work my absolute hardest, even if it's simply working my hardest at cursive; the neighbors and friends who encouraged me to continue with music; the people. So it was a real blessing. And I am officially done with high school. For forever. It seems crazy. But it's a blessing. And honestly, sometimes I seriously do stand in awe at the Lord and His work. Taking me, a girl who only had a three percent chance of surviving the meningitis and encephalitis without being deaf and mentally disabled, and giving me the gift of music. The Lord is amazing. And He truly does use the weak things, even if the weak thing is me, to confound the wise. Well, I have a song for this post too to sum up this year for me. :) Less Like Scars by Sarah Groves-



Later,
Rachel

Life

Lately I've been in this mood of not wanting to do anything. I don't wanna practice piano. I don't wanna compose. I don't wanna do my homework. I don't really even want to sleep. I get on the computer, but there's not much to do, so it's boring. T.v. is limited to weekends except for American Idol (good thing too, otherwise I'd probably be watching that all evening...). I sorta feel like I'm getting spring fever. And I also have a lot going on. I am going to Westminster choir college this fall (Praise the Lord!) and I'm really excited about that. But I'm also sorta nervous....and I know if I'm all shy at the beginning, I won't have any friends the whole year,lol. So I'm definitely going to be praying about that. But I have mixed feelings. I'm SUPER excited, because I'll hopefully have a friend from Eastman as my roommate, plus it'll be awesome to go to a different part of the country (and to be somewhere that's not in the country....as in with cows and all,lol), and from what I've heard about Westminster, I'll get a lot of performing opportunities in New York City and Philadelphia since it's only an hour away from each city. Plus, since it's a choir college, I'll have choir practice every day (and the choirs tour! The sophomore, junior, and senior choirs actually tour in Europe!!!!),voice classes (and a few weeks ago when my dad heard me sing, he told me,"Rach, I hate to say it at this point and all....but I feel like that's your calling"), so the Lord knows what might come out of that. Yet, I'm also going to miss home. I mean, of course I'm excited about being a little "independent" and stuff, but I will miss my parents. And of course, I will REALLY miss Samson (too bad I can't carry him to college....guess I'll have to get a turtle....). And like yesterday was the last choir meeting/rehearsal at UWRF, and I got a little bit sad. I mean, I'm not really that close to anyone there, but I've gotten to know a few people, and I'm sorta sad to think that my time there is coming to a close. I mean, I'm definitely thankful I'm going to Westminster, but I will miss some of the people at UWRF. And then I got some mailings about ordering dorm bedding/towels/whatev (not like I'll get them....I wanna get some funky colored bedding :p). But it's like....weird. Because it just seems like time goes by SO QUICKLY. I mean, I remember when I was like 6, and my brothers and I were in a sled at our house in Clearwater, and my oldest brother (who was 11)said, "Wow. Time goes by really quickly." I argued a bit, but he was like, "Well, maybe not for you yet Rachel, but you'll see when you get older",lol, as if he could talk, right? :p But it's so true. Like David said, life really is like a breath, or a vapor. It's here for a moment, and then it's gone. And really, all that matters is eternity. And I know that if it seems like my short 16 years have gone by quickly, the rest of my life will zoom by. Anyway, I have a song to share in this post that has been really encouraging to me. He's Always Been Thankful by Sarah Groves-



Later,
Rachel

Casting off my burdens to the Lord

Well, I do have some good news in this post. I received an academic scholarship that would cover over half of the tuition cost of Westminster Choir College. And it's definitely a real blessing. I'm still not sure if I will end up going there, but it's a blessing to get accepted and to get a scholarship. But the past few days, I've been convicted of something. For some odd reason, it seems like when something good happens in my life, I can immediately thank the Lord for those good things. But when something doesn't go the way I wanted it to, then I get all like, 'Oh, I failed God, my parents, my piano teacher,' etc. etc.. And I'm not sure why that is. Like, shouldn't I also praise God in the midst of the uncomfortable circumstances? And still see the blessings in that? And when I do have a burden in life, whatever it may be, Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV says, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Or, in a simpler way, The Message version says, "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Yet, it's like, in the midst of my trials, I try to muster up enough of my own courage and strength to get through, and it's never enough. Why? Because, it's RELIGION. It's not Christianity. It's putting the pressure on myself to do everything perfectly and right. And it's very depressing, because no matter what I do, it's not good enough. Because all of my "good works", all of my perfections are just like dirty rags to God. Sure, I don't do anything dramatic to end my life or anything like that, but I get REALLY depressed in the midst of difficult circumstances. And I know that the only key to unlocking the treasures of joy that the Lord has stored up for me (even in the most difficult times of my life) is truly fellowshipping with Him. Not just a quick, "Lord, take these trials away from me, I can't handle it anymore" type of prayer, but genuine time spent with Him to draw closer to Him. As my favorite chapter in the Bible says, Psalm 139:7-14 say, "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.If I take the wings of the morning,and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,even there Your hand shall lead me,and Your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”even the night shall be light about me; indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,but the night shines as the day; the darkness and the light are both alike to You." And it's so true. No matter what trial I am in the midst of, or what joys the Lord brings into my life, He is always there for me. What more, He doesn't see the difference between the trials and the joys. Or rather, neither the sorrows or the joys change the relationship I have with Him. And maybe that's what He wants me to see. That the darkness and light are both alike as far as trials are concerned. That I should praise Him in the midst of both joys AND trials. That no matter what circumstances He brings my way, His love toward me and for me will never ever be changed. And in the same sense, I shouldn't let trials change my love toward Him. So you know what? I know I can't take back my other posts about how down and out and depressed I was about rejections. But praise the Lord for the rejection from Oberlin. Praise the Lord for the rejection from Swarthmore. Praise the Lord for the rejection from Colburn. Why? Because, He knows what's best for me. He's planned every single day of my life, every second of my life, every breath that I take before time ever began. And because since He's the sovreign, perfect Lord of all that exists, He deserves to be praised in the midst of the joys AND the trials. Later,
Rachel

A light at the end of this tunnel.....

Well, the past few weeks have been very stressful for me. However, I did get word on Wednesday evening from Westminster Choir College in Princeton, NJ. And I got accepted! And it's such a blessing. Really. I also found out that one of my friends from Eastman's Music Horizons camp is going there! So it's really sweet, she's going to wait for me to figure out whether or not I'll go there before she submits her housing stuff, because if I do go there, she'll want to room with me! So that would be really awesome. And I also have an audition at Trinity International University this Friday, so I'll see how that goes. Hopefully by the end of this month, (or sooner) I'll know for sure where I'm going. But despite all of the stress, I'm sorta thankful for what the Lord's brought me through these past couple of weeks. I feel like, up until the past couple of weeks, this year has been the best year of my life. And ya know, it still IS the best year of my life, because each year, the Lord brings me something new; whether it be new trials, or new experiences which mold me to be more like Him. But it's like, this year has been somewhat of a cruise-through until the past few weeks. But the past couple of weeks (and really, the past few months) have taught me to lean on the Lord more than I probably ever have, and thus it's brought me closer to the Lord. And sure, I didn't get accepted to Oberlin (which was sorta my "dream" college), but from the time I applied until the time I found out I was rejected, I was FORCED to rely on Christ. But I'll stop rambling before I make this whole post a circular post,lol. To sum things up, I guess that my whole point of the post is that the whole truth of James 1:3 has been made clear to me this year. That trials strenghten me. And I know that more serious trials will be presented to me throughout my lifetime, but I can trust that all of the trials that I go through will strengthen my faith. I hope this post made sense,lol. Later,
Rachel

Rejection #2...and #3....and #4

So I got back my college news. I got rejected from both Swarthmore and Oberlin. Not waitlisted. No, flat out rejected. I mean, they make the letters sound all nice.... "we hope that you find the best educational options for you in your academic/musical pursuits" and blah blah blah. But it hurts. It really hurts. I think that yesterday was the first day since Monday that I wasn't bawling all day. I mean, it's not like I'm mad at God. I know that He has a perfect plan. But it's difficult to move on after 3 college rejections. And then I didn't place in a competition that I had two weeks ago. So, once again, rejection has hurdled itself on me. But I was talking to my piano teacher, and she was really encouraging. She said that as hard as it is to see, the rejection isn't a rejection of me. It's not even a rejection of my talent, or a way to estimate how good or bad I am. It simply didn't work out because it wasn't the right place for me; or, from a Christian's point of view, it didn't work out because it wasn't in the Lord's will. And like one of my friends told me, I was competing against 18-22 year olds from all around the world (up to 22 because transfer students also apply and are calculated into the percentage of people that get admitted). So I wasn't just competing against the best musicians in Minnesota. Or in a tri-state area. Or even in the US. I was competing against the very best musicians from all over the world. And thinking about it like that, I really understand why I didn't make it in. I mean, I can't even imagine myself three years ago competing against myself now. I'd have no chance. And I asked my mom the other day, "Do you think that becoming a concert pianist is totally thrown out of the window? Because I feel like my dreams are being totally demolished in one huge swoop." And she was like, "No, because you feel called to do this. It's not just a dream. It's a call that the Lord has placed in Your life." And how true that is. The Lord's will for my life will be accomplished, without regard to competitions that I win or lose, where I go to college, or who my future piano teachers will be. If it truly is the Lord's will for me to be a concert pianist, nothing can stand in the way of that. And again, I do have time to grow musically. And where I go to college Lord-willing this fall doesn't necessarily mean that will be the place that I get my degree from. I can always transfer if need be. So despite rejection, I can continue on with hope knowing that the Lord's will will be accomplished and nothing (and no one) can stand in the way of that. And His plan for my life will be way better than I could ever imagine. I know it. Later,
Rachel

My life is SO in the hands of God

Well, today has been a very interesting day. At least the beginning of it. So I woke up at about 5:30 a.m. with terrible lung cramps. I haven't experienced them so badly since I was 8 years old. It's a really weird feeling, like....whichever lung hurts, it feels like it's like stuck or something. And when I try to breathe in, I get this intensely sharp pain, like someone is stabbing me or something. And this lasted for 20 minutes this morning. But honestly, I'm thankful for experiences like that. I mean, I seriously felt like I was dying. And I felt totally helpless too. Like, I was suffocating because of pain, and yet there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't call my mom because I felt like it'd waste my breath, and she couldn't do anything anyway. So, I sat there and started crying not because I was scared of dying or anything, but because I thought about how quick life is. And how, so often, I take breaths, moments, days, or even years for granted. I take experiences for granted. And I also take people for granted. And I was thinking, if I die, how will people remember me? Who will I be remembered for? A "nice" girl? Or as some guy at Eastman told me after knowing me for a week, "a typical goody-two-shoes Christian girl"? A girl who gave up like every normal highschool experience for piano? Or, will I be remembered as a Christian? And not just a goody-two-shoes. But, a true Christian? A girl who REALLY spread the love of Christ, not a girl who just followed all of the rules? And I also thought about how quickly people are forgotten. I mean, I've only known two people who have died, neither who were very close to me, but when my grandma and great uncle died, it was like, they were in conversation for about a month. And then....they're rarely brought up in conversation anymore. And they are sorta forgotten, but at the same time, whatever memories or impressions I have of them, they're passed down to me from my parents' insight into their characters. Anyway, I guess that my 20 minute experience to what felt near death for me was amazing. I felt what I haven't felt in 8 years. That my life is truly in the hands of God, and that I can trust Him with anything: whether it be what college I go to, or my next breath. Later,
Rachel

Roller Coaster

So lately my life has been really hectic. Funny how that happens. Like, for a few months, my life is SO BORING and nothing new happens. Then all of a sudden.....KABAM! I get whapped in the face with extreme busyness. So, as you all know, I got rejected from Colburn. So, the next step was to apply somewhere else. So, I applied to Oberlin, the Conservatory that I've REALLY wanted to apply to all along. So, a week after my Colburn rejection (and like 4 days after completing my application), my parents and I went to Oberlin for an audition. Regardless of what happens, it's really a miracle that I was able to apply and audition. The deadline to submit the Oberlin application was December 1,2008. On top of that, all of the live auditions were said to be full, so no more live auditions could be scheduled. Yet, the Dean gave me permission to apply AND schedule a live audition. And it was really nice because once I got there, before I went into my audition, he gave me a hug and said that he hopes I can make it in. And all of the people there were really really nice. They tried to make the audition experience enjoyable and not nervewracking. I'm not sure what the audition commitee was looking for....or exactly how my audition went (I did the audition a day after getting sick...fever and all, so I had 2 doses of NyQuil the day before my audition, and the symptoms of a cold....and I ended up getting some arm muscle strain that felt like tendinitis a few days before the audition), but because of all of the hurdles that I had to jump to do the audition, it's a blessing and a miracle that I was allowed to do it. I should find out by the end of this month whether or not I was accepted.And then I'm also going to be applying to the Chicago College of Performing Arts. And I've already applied to Swarthmore and Westminster Choir College, so if all of those fall through, or if for some reason I decide not to go to one of those colleges, then I'll probably apply to the University of Arizona and the University of New Mexico. I know, random universities, right,lol? But I think that it'd be awesome to be in a really warm climate with tons of diversity. There's something that's really cool to me about meeting people from all over the world like I did at Interlochen and Eastman. It just reminds me that the US isn't all that exists in the world, and it's so easy to get caught up in the American comfort zone and forget that there are billions of other people out there who have our same interests and life goals. And it's REALLY neat to meet other Christians from other places around the world. Anyway, yesterday I ended up failing my road test for driver's ed. But oh well. So tis life I guess. I also had another Master Class. That was fun, but I definitely didn't do half as good as I could have, so that was discouraging. And I had a piano competition last weekend. I did make it to finals (PRAISE THE LORD!), which means that out of all of the competitors from 9-12th grade who competed in the Young Artist competition all around Minnesota (and possibly a few kids from North/South Dakota, Iowa, and Wisconsin who have teachers who live in Minnesota and are memebers of MMTA), I was in the top twelve! So I was really thankful for that because this year has been somewhat discouraging with piano. And I get to play Dvorak's Slavonic Dance No. 6 at an Honor's Concert at Northrop Auditorium @ the U of Minnesota at the end of May (and I get to wear a formal evening gown too!!!!)! The Lord can encourage even in the midst of discouragement. Well, I better get back on recording my pieces for Chicago's audition. Later,
Rachel