um.......

The title of my post very accurately describes what happened to me this afternoon. I seriously think that it was the very worst performance of my entire life. Funny how it followed what was perhaps the best audition of my life too though, seeing that I had an audition for a master class yesterday, and miraculously, that went amazingly well. I wasn't nervous at all and I was full of smiles last night....which is very rare for me during any audition or competition. I'm usually really really REALLY jittery, nervous, and just plain silent. However this afternoon, I experienced my usual before-performance stage fright. I think that alot of it could've been due to the fact that I really haven't been practicing much lately...I'm lucky to get in 2 hours of practice a day. And when I have practiced, I've been focusing on my more difficult pieces, and since today I was supposed to play an etude, I figured that I could put it off a bit and focus on my more difficult pieces. So right before I was going to play, I told my piano teacher that I was really nervous about the piece because I hadn't been practicing it much. She, being extremely nice as she usually is, just said, "Oh, Rachel, you've played the etude a bunch of times this fall and it's been great every time! Plus, everyone loves hearing it! You'll do fine." But I didn't. I got on stage, and totally blanked out, like a total brain fart. I couldn't remember anything past the first measure. Seriously. So I started playing REALLY fast just to get over the more difficult parts.My adrenaline seriously took over, and I swear, that's the fastest I've ever played the piece (thank goodness it's supposed to be a fast piece anyway). I somehow managed to end with both hands together (thank the Lord), but it was all a mess. It was so hard for me to wait until after I left the recital to burst into tears, rather than doing it during my piece (if it could even be called a piece). I think that's probably the third time I've ever cried over a performance in my life. I mean, I know I'm not perfect. Yet, there's something utterly humiliating about attempting to play a piece and totally wrecking it. Especially since it gives off the impression that I tried to throw it together in a week or something.....the people in the audience don't see that it took 4 months to learn the piece. I guess I'm just really thankful that it wasn't a competition. THAT would've kept me crying for days. But it's odd because I played just a few minutes earlier, and the piece was totally fine. As was the Debussy Toccata. Funny that I got an applause from some guy who wasn't even coming to the concert with that piece, yet I couldn't make it through the recital piece. My teacher said that she thinks part of it was due to the fact that I hadn't had a lesson in over a month until Wednesday, part of it was due to the fact that I'd sat for an hour and a half before playing after I warmed up (and I hadn't stretched out either....oops), and part of it was due to the fact that I've been playing the piece all the way through and not doing memory checks on it. Anyway, I guess I can't let one dreadfully bad experience make me quit, but sometimes it's hard. It's hard to work away at a piece for so long, and to not get the results I want. And it really scares me to think that I'm SO close to competitions (like, I have one every other weekend in March and April)and I'm messing up this badly right now.But like my teacher told me after the recital, if every baby decided that since it tumbled after its first attempt at walking it'd give up walking, we'd all still be crawling around. I guess I just can't wait until Monday....that's when I'll find out the results from the master class audition that I had yesterday. Hopefully the results are positive. Hopefully. Later,
Rachel

By Your Side-Tenth Avenue North

This song is REALLY encouraging to me, and I just thought I'd post it on my blog.

Bye Bye 2008, Hello 2009

I haven't really posted on here lately because I really haven't had much to write about. Christmas was pretty cool, pretty normal. So far, I've been spending practically my whole Christmas break watching tv, IMing, and recording my prescreening stuff for college apps. And wow, these college apps are proving to be alot more difficult than I'd thought they would be. Like, I'm not sure if I'm lacking motivation and diligence to do them, or if they're actually meant to take a lifetime to complete. Regardless, I'm glad that at least I know where I'm applying. Colburn, Westminster Choir College, Swarthmore, and Chicago College of Performing Arts. I'm sorta thinking of adding UW-Madison into my list...I'm not really sure though. But since it's a state college, I think I have a bit more time to ponder it. As far as the New Year goes, I'm really looking forward to it. Because this upcoming year will hold alot of milestones for me, Lordwilling. My drivers license (hopefully....), graduating (okay, no formal grad ceremony or anything, but hey, I'll be done with highschool, and that's good enough for me,lol), and going to college (which means I'll be somewhere by myself for the first time ever). No, I really don't have any New Years' resolutions. I mean, I honestly don't see the point of them anyway.....I always break them,lol. And looking back on this past year brings lots of memories. The good and the bad. I have to say that the biggest highlight of this year was going to Eastman. I mean, that was the first time that I was actually alone somewhere for a long period of time without people that I knew. Or, I got to know them, but when I first got there, I didn't know them. And I think that Eastman taught me alot of stuff about responsibility. Like, for example, I got written up there once for being out practicing with someone past curfew. And sure, I was like 5 minutes over the curfew, and I wasn't even doing anything bad (not to mention I was late not because I didn't care, but because I had thought that the curfew was an hour later), yet that was the first time that I couldn't get out of trouble by smiling....or giving a sad face, or whatev. No, I had done something wrong, and I had to face the consequences of it head-on. And not only that, but I had to make decisions. Like, chill and swim at the YMCA with friends, or go practice for four hours. And, stay up in my bed until 2 and wake up at 6, or go to bed at 12 and wake up at 6. And, I walked away with a greater appreciation for classical (and okay, also world) music. I've also really enjoyed taking classes at UWRF. I mean, I didn't take a full college load, but if I include the hour of piano lessons that I took that would count as 2 college credits (but I didn't take them for college credit), I had 10 credits, and I really did learn a bit about what college is all about. Anyway, I think I'm gonna go watch some more tv. I know, I know, I'm TOTALLY wasting away my Christmas vacation. But hey, that's what Christmas vacation is for, right? :p Later,
Rachel

End of semester. Seriously?!

Okay, so this upcoming week is my final week of school for the semester. Amazing. I mean, I'm already alost halfway done with this school year. Just finals to go. And I seriously cannot believe how close I am to auditions too. I mean, in a little less than two months, I'll be having my first live audition. It seriously seems crazy to me. And like, I have 8 months left at home, Lordwilling. That seems absolutely insane to me. And honestly, this semester has flown by. Not like I regret it going by fast at all. And I'm very thankful for this semester. I think it has prepared me for what college will be like a little bit. And it's funny because I've already started to keep a bag stuffed with all of these new clothes I keep buying for college,lol. Is that lame or what,lol? Anyway, I'm sure you guys have all heard of the whole Caylee Anthony case thing. And it's been something I've been thinking alot about the past couple of days. Like, it seems incomprehensible to me how a mom could do such a thing to her baby. And you wonder, where did it all start? And as I start to think more about it, it's like, it obviously didn't start with the murder. No, the whole process started back when she was a kid. According to her life's pattern, she has always been a selfish girl who was known as a liar. But stuff like this makes me wonder....how can people outrightly see the wickedness in killing a baby like Caylee, yet not grasp the concept of how abortion does the EXACT same thing? I mean, sure, Caylee actually walked around on this earth for 3 or 4 years, but regardless, a person is a person. If only such a fuss was made over every single abortion that happened in this country. And if only people actually did get prosecuted for ending a human life; for murdering a real child and throwing it away in the garbage or burrying it. Although, I guess what's chilling about the whole Caylee incident is how her mother didn't care at ALL about murdering her daughter. There was no remorse from her until the detectives actually found a body. Whereas I guess usually, with an abortion, people DO regret it. And the women DO remorse over their loss of a child, most of the time anyway. Anyway, I guess I just don't understand it all, and why it went so far until Caylee was actually murdered. Like, why wouldn't a friend of Casey's intervene after constantly hearing Casey speak of Caylee in such a negative tone all of the time? Or why wouldn't have a neighbor seen what was going on and reported Casey? I just don't understand. Later,
Rachel

It's a small world afterall

It's funny how small the world really is. I guess it just starts to seem smaller the more I get to know other people. Like I think now I know at least one person in every continent in the world. And then, since I'm doing this literature on war class, it makes me realize how small the world is. And how people get into the dumbest arguments over the dumbest things. And how sometimes, those arguments turn into nations fighting against one another. And through that, nations are ruined. This small world is literally destroying itself. I mean, obviously there will never be world peace, because everyone in this world is fallen. Yet, it just seems like so many of the wars and confrontations of life are due to pride. Like, World War 2. Hitler decides he's gonna be the world's big bad guy and conquer everyone. It's linked to pride. The current war in Iraq was started by some guys who think that since the U.S. has more money, fame, power, etc. than them, they should try to destroy our economy and take whatever America has. And even the everyday quarrels. I know most of the arguments I get into are based on something I feel really strongly about, and even though I really dislike confrontation, I always want to be right. It's all pride. And it leads to the destruction of humanity. And as I'm coming up on this last stretch of my literature class, I'm realizing that war is pretty senseless. I mean, obviously, there are wars that have to be fought, but the reasons for war are always senseless. Unless you're talking about spiritual warfare of course. I know that my final paper in literature class will probably be an essay on the question,"What do you think defines a good war?" At the beginning of the class when I was asked this question, I said a good war was a war that was fought for a just cause, and a war that was fought because the leader of the country gave the lead to go fight. But at the end of this semester, I'm coming to the realization that nothing can define a good war. All war is bad, period. It doesn't mean I'm a pacifist, but war in and of itself is not good. In war, you're constantly killing other humans, regardless of whether or not they're your enemies. They are still other human beings who have lives outside of being soldiers. They still have wives, children, and relatives. They still have a desire to have a career, to know something outside of war. And in war, you practice deceit and lying to win. In war, you torture people in the most inhumane ways. Nothing can define a good war. As far as a necessary war goes, well, that I can define. That would be a war that is fought for a just cause; a war that is fought to defend your country and all of the rights and privileges that it posesses. I guess I just think about war more and more now that I'm studying it so in depth. And I read Psalm 2, which asks the question, "Why do the nations rage?" In the following verses, it talks about how God laughs at their raging. I asked my mom about it, and she desribed it this way to me. It's like having two little ants fighting about a breadcrumb that's on the ground. Finally, the ants stick up one of their little legs at you and start wiggling their little antlers and then start stomping on the ground, insinuating that since you didn't solve the quarrel, they're going to solve it themselves. And to a degree, it is comical. It's sad, but comical. The things we fight over in life are the breadcrumbs, whether they be money or fame or power or prestige or glory or honor. And when God doesn't give us what we want, we ball up our teeny little fists and shake them at God's feet and decide that since He won't give us every little thing we want, we'll solve our problems on our own through quarreling.Or through war. What we forget about are the treasures in life. His Word, His person, His holiness, His righteousness, His care for us as His children and as His creation. I'm not even sure why I wrote this post, but....I guess it's sorta like brainstorming. Just something that's been on my mind lately. How small this little world is. Later,
Rachel

Paralyzed by fear

I've always heard the phrase "paralyzed by fear", but I've never really understood that it could actually happen. Until yesterday. I had a performance, and I was really nervous about it. Like seriously, more nervous than I've ever been in my life. I was shaking all over, and once I finally adjusted the bench and started to play, I swear, my left hand froze on me. I can only remember playing a few correct notes throughout the whole piece. And honestly, it scared me. I never knew that fear could seriously paralyze someone, to the point where you no longer have control over it. I guess it really scared me because, I want to be a concert pianist. And yet,I have this profoud fear of people. I've written before about my fear of rejection, but it's like that fear extends into everything I do. Whether it's trying to write a paper based on what I think my professor wants to hear, or trying to get straight A's so that college admissions counselors will want me as a student, or playing the right notes on a stage in front of 100 people, I fear that if I do anything differently (e.g., have a few B's on my transcript or write a paper that is leaning towards my opinion, or messing up a couple of times on a stage), people are going to reject me. Or their perception of me will be ruined, or negative. And I constantly think of how Biblically, I'm not supposed to fear man at all. Yet, it's one of those things that seems easier said than done. I called my teacher afterwards and she told me of a few times that something similar had happened to her; and also of a lady who was a professional concert pianist who blanked out in the middle of a concert and stood in the middle of Orchestra Hall and said, "Sorry, I forgot the piece, I'll have to move on to the next piece." And she told me that the important thing is not to worry about me, or what I did wrong or right, but to focus on the music. From a Christian standpoint, I'd have to say it's about focusing on Christ. But perhaps my biggest problem is my struggle with perfectionism. Maybe because I've been in so many competitive arenas, or arenas where you're never good enough and there's ALWAYS something to work on (e.g. ice skating, gymnastics, piano), it's become a part of me to want to be perfect. And I fear that if I don't do something perfectly, I didn't do it to the best of my ability. Regardless, I guess it's all just something that I need to pray about. And I need to stop being so fearful. I need to start realizing that through my imperfections, the Lord shows His perfection, and humbles me and makes me realize that the only perfect thing I will ever have in life is Him.
Later,
Rachel

The election

Okay, I'm a day late, but still...the effects of the election will last at least four years, so....I'm still gonna write my thoughts on it. So I found out that Obama won by getting a text message from a friend who lives at a military academy (so he doesn't get any tv or internet....)in the middle of the night Tuesday night and he had heard rumors that Obama won, but he texted me to find out for sure. So I opened that text in the morning yesterday and listened to 100.3 and the announcer was like "Yes, the earth is still spinning on its axis even though Barack Obama has won the election." I was a bit dissapointed, but I didn't feel like "OH NO! THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD!" or anything like that. I guess I just realize first off that God is still God, regardless of who wins the election. I also realize that as a nation, America has rejected God. Psalm 33:12 says, "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord", and I believe that the converse of that statement can also be assumed true. Anything that comes upon this nation that we would consider bad or unfortunate is totally deserved. Judgement is long overdue. However, the Lord may or may not choose to use Obama as a tool for His judgement. Perhaps He has a plan to work through Obama for the better. And really, our lives are a bit like chess in the sense that we are all pawns for God's purposes. He will win the spiritual battle in the end, and regardless of who is president, His purposes will be established. And ultimately, this world is going to end. Our goal as believers isn't to fret about who is president, but to get the good news of God's salvation out, to share it with others, to live lives that reflect Christ and His goodness and grace before He comes back for us. So in the end, it doesn't matter whether the US crashes and burns in the next four years or if it crashes and burns with the rest of the world in the far future. I guess to sum this whole post up, to use my dad's terms, it really isn't about who's in the white house, it's all about Who is on the throne. Later,
Rachel