End of semester. Seriously?!

Okay, so this upcoming week is my final week of school for the semester. Amazing. I mean, I'm already alost halfway done with this school year. Just finals to go. And I seriously cannot believe how close I am to auditions too. I mean, in a little less than two months, I'll be having my first live audition. It seriously seems crazy to me. And like, I have 8 months left at home, Lordwilling. That seems absolutely insane to me. And honestly, this semester has flown by. Not like I regret it going by fast at all. And I'm very thankful for this semester. I think it has prepared me for what college will be like a little bit. And it's funny because I've already started to keep a bag stuffed with all of these new clothes I keep buying for college,lol. Is that lame or what,lol? Anyway, I'm sure you guys have all heard of the whole Caylee Anthony case thing. And it's been something I've been thinking alot about the past couple of days. Like, it seems incomprehensible to me how a mom could do such a thing to her baby. And you wonder, where did it all start? And as I start to think more about it, it's like, it obviously didn't start with the murder. No, the whole process started back when she was a kid. According to her life's pattern, she has always been a selfish girl who was known as a liar. But stuff like this makes me wonder....how can people outrightly see the wickedness in killing a baby like Caylee, yet not grasp the concept of how abortion does the EXACT same thing? I mean, sure, Caylee actually walked around on this earth for 3 or 4 years, but regardless, a person is a person. If only such a fuss was made over every single abortion that happened in this country. And if only people actually did get prosecuted for ending a human life; for murdering a real child and throwing it away in the garbage or burrying it. Although, I guess what's chilling about the whole Caylee incident is how her mother didn't care at ALL about murdering her daughter. There was no remorse from her until the detectives actually found a body. Whereas I guess usually, with an abortion, people DO regret it. And the women DO remorse over their loss of a child, most of the time anyway. Anyway, I guess I just don't understand it all, and why it went so far until Caylee was actually murdered. Like, why wouldn't a friend of Casey's intervene after constantly hearing Casey speak of Caylee in such a negative tone all of the time? Or why wouldn't have a neighbor seen what was going on and reported Casey? I just don't understand. Later,
Rachel

It's a small world afterall

It's funny how small the world really is. I guess it just starts to seem smaller the more I get to know other people. Like I think now I know at least one person in every continent in the world. And then, since I'm doing this literature on war class, it makes me realize how small the world is. And how people get into the dumbest arguments over the dumbest things. And how sometimes, those arguments turn into nations fighting against one another. And through that, nations are ruined. This small world is literally destroying itself. I mean, obviously there will never be world peace, because everyone in this world is fallen. Yet, it just seems like so many of the wars and confrontations of life are due to pride. Like, World War 2. Hitler decides he's gonna be the world's big bad guy and conquer everyone. It's linked to pride. The current war in Iraq was started by some guys who think that since the U.S. has more money, fame, power, etc. than them, they should try to destroy our economy and take whatever America has. And even the everyday quarrels. I know most of the arguments I get into are based on something I feel really strongly about, and even though I really dislike confrontation, I always want to be right. It's all pride. And it leads to the destruction of humanity. And as I'm coming up on this last stretch of my literature class, I'm realizing that war is pretty senseless. I mean, obviously, there are wars that have to be fought, but the reasons for war are always senseless. Unless you're talking about spiritual warfare of course. I know that my final paper in literature class will probably be an essay on the question,"What do you think defines a good war?" At the beginning of the class when I was asked this question, I said a good war was a war that was fought for a just cause, and a war that was fought because the leader of the country gave the lead to go fight. But at the end of this semester, I'm coming to the realization that nothing can define a good war. All war is bad, period. It doesn't mean I'm a pacifist, but war in and of itself is not good. In war, you're constantly killing other humans, regardless of whether or not they're your enemies. They are still other human beings who have lives outside of being soldiers. They still have wives, children, and relatives. They still have a desire to have a career, to know something outside of war. And in war, you practice deceit and lying to win. In war, you torture people in the most inhumane ways. Nothing can define a good war. As far as a necessary war goes, well, that I can define. That would be a war that is fought for a just cause; a war that is fought to defend your country and all of the rights and privileges that it posesses. I guess I just think about war more and more now that I'm studying it so in depth. And I read Psalm 2, which asks the question, "Why do the nations rage?" In the following verses, it talks about how God laughs at their raging. I asked my mom about it, and she desribed it this way to me. It's like having two little ants fighting about a breadcrumb that's on the ground. Finally, the ants stick up one of their little legs at you and start wiggling their little antlers and then start stomping on the ground, insinuating that since you didn't solve the quarrel, they're going to solve it themselves. And to a degree, it is comical. It's sad, but comical. The things we fight over in life are the breadcrumbs, whether they be money or fame or power or prestige or glory or honor. And when God doesn't give us what we want, we ball up our teeny little fists and shake them at God's feet and decide that since He won't give us every little thing we want, we'll solve our problems on our own through quarreling.Or through war. What we forget about are the treasures in life. His Word, His person, His holiness, His righteousness, His care for us as His children and as His creation. I'm not even sure why I wrote this post, but....I guess it's sorta like brainstorming. Just something that's been on my mind lately. How small this little world is. Later,
Rachel

Paralyzed by fear

I've always heard the phrase "paralyzed by fear", but I've never really understood that it could actually happen. Until yesterday. I had a performance, and I was really nervous about it. Like seriously, more nervous than I've ever been in my life. I was shaking all over, and once I finally adjusted the bench and started to play, I swear, my left hand froze on me. I can only remember playing a few correct notes throughout the whole piece. And honestly, it scared me. I never knew that fear could seriously paralyze someone, to the point where you no longer have control over it. I guess it really scared me because, I want to be a concert pianist. And yet,I have this profoud fear of people. I've written before about my fear of rejection, but it's like that fear extends into everything I do. Whether it's trying to write a paper based on what I think my professor wants to hear, or trying to get straight A's so that college admissions counselors will want me as a student, or playing the right notes on a stage in front of 100 people, I fear that if I do anything differently (e.g., have a few B's on my transcript or write a paper that is leaning towards my opinion, or messing up a couple of times on a stage), people are going to reject me. Or their perception of me will be ruined, or negative. And I constantly think of how Biblically, I'm not supposed to fear man at all. Yet, it's one of those things that seems easier said than done. I called my teacher afterwards and she told me of a few times that something similar had happened to her; and also of a lady who was a professional concert pianist who blanked out in the middle of a concert and stood in the middle of Orchestra Hall and said, "Sorry, I forgot the piece, I'll have to move on to the next piece." And she told me that the important thing is not to worry about me, or what I did wrong or right, but to focus on the music. From a Christian standpoint, I'd have to say it's about focusing on Christ. But perhaps my biggest problem is my struggle with perfectionism. Maybe because I've been in so many competitive arenas, or arenas where you're never good enough and there's ALWAYS something to work on (e.g. ice skating, gymnastics, piano), it's become a part of me to want to be perfect. And I fear that if I don't do something perfectly, I didn't do it to the best of my ability. Regardless, I guess it's all just something that I need to pray about. And I need to stop being so fearful. I need to start realizing that through my imperfections, the Lord shows His perfection, and humbles me and makes me realize that the only perfect thing I will ever have in life is Him.
Later,
Rachel

The election

Okay, I'm a day late, but still...the effects of the election will last at least four years, so....I'm still gonna write my thoughts on it. So I found out that Obama won by getting a text message from a friend who lives at a military academy (so he doesn't get any tv or internet....)in the middle of the night Tuesday night and he had heard rumors that Obama won, but he texted me to find out for sure. So I opened that text in the morning yesterday and listened to 100.3 and the announcer was like "Yes, the earth is still spinning on its axis even though Barack Obama has won the election." I was a bit dissapointed, but I didn't feel like "OH NO! THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD!" or anything like that. I guess I just realize first off that God is still God, regardless of who wins the election. I also realize that as a nation, America has rejected God. Psalm 33:12 says, "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord", and I believe that the converse of that statement can also be assumed true. Anything that comes upon this nation that we would consider bad or unfortunate is totally deserved. Judgement is long overdue. However, the Lord may or may not choose to use Obama as a tool for His judgement. Perhaps He has a plan to work through Obama for the better. And really, our lives are a bit like chess in the sense that we are all pawns for God's purposes. He will win the spiritual battle in the end, and regardless of who is president, His purposes will be established. And ultimately, this world is going to end. Our goal as believers isn't to fret about who is president, but to get the good news of God's salvation out, to share it with others, to live lives that reflect Christ and His goodness and grace before He comes back for us. So in the end, it doesn't matter whether the US crashes and burns in the next four years or if it crashes and burns with the rest of the world in the far future. I guess to sum this whole post up, to use my dad's terms, it really isn't about who's in the white house, it's all about Who is on the throne. Later,
Rachel

Never good enough.....

I've continued to stay extremely busy lately. Today I recorded my dvd audition for thie young arts competition. And I was like really dissapointed because I only had like 45 minutes to record a 20 minute program, and I kept messing up and restarting, and at one point I seriously started getting all teary eyed. My parents were telling me to relax and stretch, but I just couldn't. And I guess it was like one of those moments where I felt like I'm never good enough. Like no matter how much I practice, no matter what pieces I'm playing, I'm never good enough. There's always SOMETHING I have to work on to perfect in a piece. Yet, I guess it's just another humbling aspect of being human. Like it's so true, I'll never be good enough at piano, at being a student, at being a daughter, or even at the Christian walk. I'll never be perfect. But I'm so thankful for Christ and so thankful that He doesn't expect me to be perfect. And lately I've been extremely encouraged by Rebecca St. James' song "Psalm 139". It has been such an encouragement to me. And my piano teacher has also been really encouraging to me. I was seriously considering applying to Eastman again, but a few of her thoughts echoed in my mind and made me change my mind. She keeps telling me to be very careful not to stress myself out because she really doesn't want me to lose focus of the main reason I'm doing piano (besides glorifying Christ, of course): because I enjoy it. And she's actually told me a bajillion times over,"Rachel, you're only 15. You have time for grad school and stuff. But right now, I really think you should go somewhere where you can enjoy yourself and then for grad school, go for something with alot more prestige." And she's totally right. I have time. I don't need to rush through life trying to be this amazing pianist. I need to save time to focus on Christ and to enjoy the life He's given me. Anyway, on another topic (besides the boring college hoopla,lol), on Sunday, I was very touched by the message at Sunday School. It wasn't really a message, more like a biography. And it was about this missionary who went literally to the ends of the earth; not your typical go-to-the-poor-African-people type of missions trip. He went to some island near Indonesia, and literally delved into their culture;he didn't try to bring the American culture to those people. After he started to understand what they believed and started to speak their language, he explained to them the whole history of the Bible and salvation and everything. It was so touching because the missionary approached the people in a way that I've never seen before; he didn't try to bring Christianity and combine it with the culture of America and make it seem like because they lived differently than him, they were heathens or something. He brought the love of Christ, and because of that (and of course, Christ working in those people's hearts), they were very receptive to everything he had to say. I was also touch because the people there seriously LOVED every sermon and hungered for it. They'd never seen anyone outside of their own tribe and had been deceived into believing that they could somehow gain eternal life here on earth. And they began asking such deep questions to this missionary, like,"Why are we here on earth?"and"If there is a God or a Creator, why did He make life so miserable for us" and,"How can we gain eternal life?" It was so touching to see them question things and to see them receive the gospel, and hunger for it. And it really convicted me, because that morning I was frustrated about the dumbest two things possible on earth; that I couldn't find my black eyeliner (even though I have other colors of eyeliner to use) and that I couldn't find my black stretchy wide headband (even though I have a bajillion headbands-2 other black ones, but I wanted that SPECIFIC black headband). And I was convicted because, here were these people, without clothes, without much food at all, without clean water, even without any shelter. And perhaps most importantly, without Christ. And I was convicted because I realized, I get stressed and frustrated about the stupidest things, and really, materialistic things. And it's not like things in and of themselves are wrong (e.g., the black eyeliner, or the black wide strechy headband, or even college decisions), but it becomes wrong when I make these things my idols and my main focus and become SO stressed about them that I don't even take out time to see my sufficiency in Christ, and to see that in Him, I have all that I'll ever need. Anyway, I think I better go. Later,
Rachel

Still somewhat confused

Wow, I'm still confused about college decisions. So I thought I was sure where I wanted to go, as I sounded in my last post. Yet, after a college fair on Monday and talking to my teacher, I x-ed out all of the colleges. Oberlin is extremely liberal, and they just hired on this creepy Anrew Lloyd Weber creepo-alike composer. Plus, they're in the middle of a cornfield, and that means I wouldn't have too many performance opportunities. Peabody said that it's really difficult to get Leon Fleisher as a teacher bc he doesn't like teaching freshman because he's constantly gone, and you don't get lessons every week with him, and when you do get lessons, you get group lessons. And the only reason I wanted to go there was to get him as a teacher. So I x-ed that. Then my teacher told me she knew someone's son who went to Juilliard who dropped out after his first year to go work at McDonald's because they pushed him so hard that he basically learned to hate cello. So I x-ed that because I get discouraged really easily by people, and that wouldn't be a very good environment for me. I x-ed out the Cleveland Institute because their faculty didn't look so great. So now I've prayed about everything and talked to my parents once again about everythin (I really don't know how they have patience with me constantly going back and forth) and I think I'm going to apply to the Manhattan School of Music, Mannes School of Music, Colburn School of Music, and Westminster Choir college. The positive about Mannes, the Manhattan School, and Colburn is that they are all solely music schools, no dance, theatre, etc. The positive about Westminster is that it apparently has a good reputation, and the acceptance rate is 75%. However, as of right now, my first choice is the Manhattan school, because they seem to have alot of fun, yet wholesome activities to do. Like, the first day you get there, they take you on a cruise across the Manhattan Island, they have a few formals, and they are in NYC, which means they offer a bajillion of performance opportuinities (although Mannes is in NYC too, and Westminster choir college isn't too far from NYC either...it's in Princeton, NJ). Then I'd probably say that Colburn is my second choice, or maybe even tied with Manhattan. If you get in, the tuition, room and board are all free. It's in the middle of LA/Hollywood, which means there are lots of performance opportunities, not to mention a bajillion things to do and places to go and all. Then Mannes probably comes in third. And I'm not even sure if I'll apply there because I only have until November 15 to submit the prescreening cd. Then Westminster comes in fourth, because their acceptance rate is the lowest, but it looks like a great school because you have a huge emphasis in developing your voice as well as whatever instrument you play. So I'm sorta thankful for the new bunch of schools because I think it's better than me going for the top right away. And I have Westminster that I can ALMOST bank on, Manhattan and Mannes that I think I could PROBABLY get into, and Colburn which is a reach school (they have like a 10% acceptance rate....last year they only accepted four pianists :/). Plus, they're all in huge cities, or near huge cities. And that's something I also wanted. So all though the process was a bit confusing, I'm very thankful that the Lord has led me to look at these other colleges. Later,
Rachel

Really understanding what being able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me means...

Well I've still been busy. It seems like as of lately, I have endless papers and essays to write and books to read and TONS of practicing to do and...blah. But I won't complain. The work is nontheless good. As for college news, I found out on Thursday that if I wanna audition for Juilliard, I'll need a different and more complicated romantic word than the one I already have. Which in turn means I'd have to tell my teacher I wanna audition there so that she can help me with the piece (and unfortunately, I've been trying to avoid that because I don't want her to think I have some ego issue because I honestly still don't think I could make it in). So I was like REALLY distraught on Thursday...but that distraughtness only lasted for a couple of hours. My mom prayed with me, and suddenly when I was practicing, my mom and I both came up with the same solution. She told me she thought I could get the piece down by this Monday. I laughed and told her that was really ironic, because I was just thinking that if I could get down the piece by Monday, I would mention the whole thing to my teacher, and if not, I wouldn't mention it to her. And miraculously, here it is on Saturday, and the Lord has already granted me the grace to be able to play the piece in 9 minutes, and the performance time is usually around 8 minutes. So I've prayed about it, and I think I'm gonna go for it. I talked to a friend yesterday who really encouraged me too. She was telling me that if I decide not to go for it, I have to have a better reason than just plain fear. That I can't be afraid to talk to my teacher, or afraid to try to learn the piece, or even fear of rejection. That my reason for not doing it has to be because I strongly feel that the Lord doesn't want me there. And I guess that's something I really struggle with in my life. Fear. Like, my reservedness and shyness is totally because I fear rejection, and I fear what other people's responses to me will be. And I guess ultimately, with everything I fear whether it is speaking up, or attempting a seemingly insane piece, or trying new things or whatever, my fear is always the fear of rejection or the fear of failure. And even with college auditions. Like, I'm not even close to auditions yet, and I even have nightmares about being rejected during an audition. And it's like, I really do need to "be anxious for nothing, but with everything give prayer and supplication" and I need stop fearing man, and start fearing the Lord more. I also need to learn that in my own strength, I WILL fail. But that in contrast, I can do everything the Lord desires me to do through Christ who strengthens me. Later,
Rachel