Never good enough.....

I've continued to stay extremely busy lately. Today I recorded my dvd audition for thie young arts competition. And I was like really dissapointed because I only had like 45 minutes to record a 20 minute program, and I kept messing up and restarting, and at one point I seriously started getting all teary eyed. My parents were telling me to relax and stretch, but I just couldn't. And I guess it was like one of those moments where I felt like I'm never good enough. Like no matter how much I practice, no matter what pieces I'm playing, I'm never good enough. There's always SOMETHING I have to work on to perfect in a piece. Yet, I guess it's just another humbling aspect of being human. Like it's so true, I'll never be good enough at piano, at being a student, at being a daughter, or even at the Christian walk. I'll never be perfect. But I'm so thankful for Christ and so thankful that He doesn't expect me to be perfect. And lately I've been extremely encouraged by Rebecca St. James' song "Psalm 139". It has been such an encouragement to me. And my piano teacher has also been really encouraging to me. I was seriously considering applying to Eastman again, but a few of her thoughts echoed in my mind and made me change my mind. She keeps telling me to be very careful not to stress myself out because she really doesn't want me to lose focus of the main reason I'm doing piano (besides glorifying Christ, of course): because I enjoy it. And she's actually told me a bajillion times over,"Rachel, you're only 15. You have time for grad school and stuff. But right now, I really think you should go somewhere where you can enjoy yourself and then for grad school, go for something with alot more prestige." And she's totally right. I have time. I don't need to rush through life trying to be this amazing pianist. I need to save time to focus on Christ and to enjoy the life He's given me. Anyway, on another topic (besides the boring college hoopla,lol), on Sunday, I was very touched by the message at Sunday School. It wasn't really a message, more like a biography. And it was about this missionary who went literally to the ends of the earth; not your typical go-to-the-poor-African-people type of missions trip. He went to some island near Indonesia, and literally delved into their culture;he didn't try to bring the American culture to those people. After he started to understand what they believed and started to speak their language, he explained to them the whole history of the Bible and salvation and everything. It was so touching because the missionary approached the people in a way that I've never seen before; he didn't try to bring Christianity and combine it with the culture of America and make it seem like because they lived differently than him, they were heathens or something. He brought the love of Christ, and because of that (and of course, Christ working in those people's hearts), they were very receptive to everything he had to say. I was also touch because the people there seriously LOVED every sermon and hungered for it. They'd never seen anyone outside of their own tribe and had been deceived into believing that they could somehow gain eternal life here on earth. And they began asking such deep questions to this missionary, like,"Why are we here on earth?"and"If there is a God or a Creator, why did He make life so miserable for us" and,"How can we gain eternal life?" It was so touching to see them question things and to see them receive the gospel, and hunger for it. And it really convicted me, because that morning I was frustrated about the dumbest two things possible on earth; that I couldn't find my black eyeliner (even though I have other colors of eyeliner to use) and that I couldn't find my black stretchy wide headband (even though I have a bajillion headbands-2 other black ones, but I wanted that SPECIFIC black headband). And I was convicted because, here were these people, without clothes, without much food at all, without clean water, even without any shelter. And perhaps most importantly, without Christ. And I was convicted because I realized, I get stressed and frustrated about the stupidest things, and really, materialistic things. And it's not like things in and of themselves are wrong (e.g., the black eyeliner, or the black wide strechy headband, or even college decisions), but it becomes wrong when I make these things my idols and my main focus and become SO stressed about them that I don't even take out time to see my sufficiency in Christ, and to see that in Him, I have all that I'll ever need. Anyway, I think I better go. Later,
Rachel