Lately, I've had somewhat of a hard time trusting the Lord. I'll be honest - saying I'm going to be SO incredibly confident in what the Lord has given me isn't easy. For me, it's pretty much impossible. I guess that once again, I'm having a hard time not being the pilot of my life. And lately, it seems that not only have I given up piloting my life, but the Lord has also taken away most of my navigation skills too. For one of the first times in my life, I'm unsure of so many things. Example 1.) - there's this guy that's suddenly come into my life out of nowhere. I don't know him all that well, but he seems like everything I've ever prayed for. He's so Christ-like in his conduct, he's hilarious, he's a musician, and he's just generally cool. The only deal is, he's a bit older than me. Okay, more like, 9 years. On top of that, he goes to my church (like, my = Minnesota), and I'm in New Jersey 3/4 of the year. So, I considered transferring schools, thinking that maybe the Lord has a plan for him in my life. In fact, even though I wanted to go to Austria this summer, I held off, hoping that something might click between us if I'm home for three months. And I'm so unsure of what the Lord is doing, and what I'm supposed to do to follow His lead. There seems to be a ton of signs that this guy is IT. But I'm not sure if the Lord is simply using this guy to draw me closer to Him, and maybe this guy isn't for me at all. Example 2 - this summer, I'm staying home. I've had a couple of people come up to me to tell me that they'd love to help promote my music career. Sweet, huh? Like, I know of 3 different people I could go to in order to develop a demo. I know of a couple of people who want to promote me, and get performance opportunities too. And now, I'm unsure again. Unsure of if I should be a songwriter, or a classical pianist. I've come to understand that you know the Lord's will by staying close to Him - by walking with Him, fellowshipping with Him, repenting to Him, and spending time basking in His wondrous love and mercy. Yet, sometimes I feel like there's still this uncertainty. Like maybe my desires are still fleshly, because afterall, I am still human. I'm fallen, and even though I feel close to the Lord, what if I'm deceiving myself into believing that my desires are the Lord's? It's all so confusing to me. And trust. Oh, trust is so hard. I can sometimes understand why Peter sank in the ocean when he tried to walk on water. Yeah, he could see Christ standing right before his very eyes. But then again, so can I. I see Christ working all around me, and yet, I don't trust Him. How wrong of me! To sink into the depths of this world's murky water, and to seriously contemplate taking the dirty/earthly turds of earth instead of the beautiful, priceless heavenly rewards Christ has in store for me? But letting go and letting God is so hard.
I'm honestly not sure why I'm writing this post at 1:30 in the morning. I guess because I've been so sleepless the past few days. Maybe it's the full moon - it's awfully glowy. Or maybe it's my full heart - a heart full of burdens that I'd rather try to figure out than leave up to the Lord. Whatever the reason, I know that I'm harming my Temple by being so worried about everything. It's lead to insomnia, and my thoughts are consumed with these two stressers. Anyway, I'm going to attempt to sleep now.
Later,
Rachel
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
New Year!
Wow, it's been a while since I've written on here. College has swamped me with loads of stress and busyness. Working+practicing piano+practicing voice+being chair of the arts management association+Bible studies+classes+homework+calling home to talk to my mom for 2 hours every night = insane amounts of stress, and almost unbearable busyness.
So. New Year. This New Year, I literally forgot it was New Years' Eve until about 4 hours before the ball dropped. I didn't make any resolutions on New Years' night. But on Sunday, I made one. To know who I am as a musical artist, and to be confident in that. So much of my life has been consumed with trying to "beat out" people, or try to do things that are totally beyond my level. And for the first time in my life, I'm realizing, I can't always do it all. This past semester of piano taught me a lot. I decided to play the third movement of Beethoven's moonlight sonata, Bartok's piano sonata, and Chopin's etude in G-flat major, among a few other pieces. Chopin came along just perfectly. But Beethoven and Bartok.....that's another story. See, the note-reading was fine. I had the pieces memorized, but technically, I was unable to play them. Because I'm too weak, too small, and I play too delicately. And on Sunday afternoon, while sitting in my room debating on whether I should play the first or third movement of Ravel's Sonatine, whether I should play the third movement of the moonlight or the first movement of a simpler Beethoven sonata, I decided to stop with the overachieving. For the first time in my life, I'm entering a competition and I won't be "trying" to play pieces. They're easy enough where I'll be confident that I can play them well. And that's not an easy step for me. I feel like the music world has become somewhat of the gymnastics world - you have to be slender, you have to be pretty (or handsome if you're a guy), and it's not enough to play well. You have to push your hands to the extreme, play loud, fast, and have plenty of large chords in between. But I'm not built like that. I don't think that means I can't be a musician. Instead, I consider it a challenge. A challenge to change the way people view classical music. A person shouldn't have to do finger acrobatics to be considered a good musician. I mean, afterall, music is simply "an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color," right?
Later,
Rachel
So. New Year. This New Year, I literally forgot it was New Years' Eve until about 4 hours before the ball dropped. I didn't make any resolutions on New Years' night. But on Sunday, I made one. To know who I am as a musical artist, and to be confident in that. So much of my life has been consumed with trying to "beat out" people, or try to do things that are totally beyond my level. And for the first time in my life, I'm realizing, I can't always do it all. This past semester of piano taught me a lot. I decided to play the third movement of Beethoven's moonlight sonata, Bartok's piano sonata, and Chopin's etude in G-flat major, among a few other pieces. Chopin came along just perfectly. But Beethoven and Bartok.....that's another story. See, the note-reading was fine. I had the pieces memorized, but technically, I was unable to play them. Because I'm too weak, too small, and I play too delicately. And on Sunday afternoon, while sitting in my room debating on whether I should play the first or third movement of Ravel's Sonatine, whether I should play the third movement of the moonlight or the first movement of a simpler Beethoven sonata, I decided to stop with the overachieving. For the first time in my life, I'm entering a competition and I won't be "trying" to play pieces. They're easy enough where I'll be confident that I can play them well. And that's not an easy step for me. I feel like the music world has become somewhat of the gymnastics world - you have to be slender, you have to be pretty (or handsome if you're a guy), and it's not enough to play well. You have to push your hands to the extreme, play loud, fast, and have plenty of large chords in between. But I'm not built like that. I don't think that means I can't be a musician. Instead, I consider it a challenge. A challenge to change the way people view classical music. A person shouldn't have to do finger acrobatics to be considered a good musician. I mean, afterall, music is simply "an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color," right?
Later,
Rachel
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
How to Respond
Sorry I haven't written on here for a while....Stressminster Choir College has taken over my life. I'm taking 17 credits, still have to practice, working towards trying to make it into Aspen Music School this upcoming summer, have a secretarial job at Westminster Conservatory, have joined a Bible Study and a sophomore women's Fellowship group at Princeton University. And to throw a wrench in all of that, this past week, I've had a bout of stomach sickness (which I've concluded to be food poisoning since the doctor's couldn't figure it out, I had stomach pain that felt like death taking its vengeful anger out on me and had to have an ambulance take me to the ER because of it, and I ate cod from the cafeteria less than about 10 hours before). Not all that easy for a 17 year old (who is over 20 hours from home - I've been feeling a bit homesick lately...but more on that later) to handle.
Anyway, getting involved in the fellowship group and Bible study have been such an encouragement to me. And a conviction to me. I guess overall, in the studies we've had there, they all sum up to this - God is everything I need, and He is the ONLY person/thing I should look to for satisfaction in this life (and in the next). Like sure, the Bible studies are going MUCH deeper than that. But that's what I've been feeling the most convicted on lately. And it makes me wonder, why do I do half the things I do? Or even 99% of the things that I do? If I'm totally honest with myself, as much as I might pray that it's to God's glory, it's to His glory and honor but it's also an attempt to get others to say "wow, she's a cool girl" or "hey, she's so smart" or "what a cutie" or "I don't know how she handles it all" or something of such. And that's SO WRONG. It's like I'm saying to God, "Sorry, You aren't enough for me. I appreciate all of the blessings You lavish on me, and I wanna make You happy, but I want to make the rest of the world happy too and I want to impress everyone as well. Only because I'm not satisfied that You are content with who I am in You." And it's wrong. It's not like I shouldn't work towards anything in life; I believe that's just as wrong, because God has planted us on earth for a reason, and that isn't to swarm in our "Christian" circles and live in our "Christian" communities (Christian in parentheses, because a lot of the time, the "Christian" circles and communities are simply "religious" circles and communities where everyone is super involved to fit in the popular status quo). And it isn't to sit at home and bum around with our kids (no slight at stay-at-home moms; a true stay at home mom takes care of her family, and also takes time to get out in the community to share her God-given talents - I believe being a stay at home mom is God's highest call for a woman).
And this all struck me a few weeks ago when I was laying in bed in one of my friends' rooms. We were trying to predict each other's futures based on our personalities. She presumed I would get married before her, but after two of my other girl friends, because I know exactly what I'm looking for in a guy, and my expectations are reasonable, but she knows I won't compromise on the type of guy I'm willing to marry (she thinks her expectations for a husband are too lofty, and no guy will ever meet them...I disagree). She said, "I think you'll hit a crossroad where you'll have a GREAT performance career handed to you, and you'll also have this great guy who wants to marry you, so you'll have to choose between career and family. And I bet you're going to choose family, and you'll end up heading more in the direction of your Arts Administration minor." And it got me thinking, would I really? And what am I making more important in my life right now? My relationships with friends and family and ultimately God, or my future career? And I realized, she's right. She's right because, I wouldn't want to grow old like SO many amazing musicians, look back on my life, and say, "Wow. I'm a millionaire. I'm famous. People love my music. But I don't have a family who loves me. I've made my career my life, and all people will remember me for is my music. Not my impact on their lives." And as I've gotten more and more homesick this year, I've realized, I never want to be REALLY close to my parents (like, not within a 10 minute radius), but I want to be close enough to my family to be able to visit whenever I wish. And I'm starting to realize, granted, I want a great performance career. But I sometimes question whether or not it can coincide with family. Or with God.
Later,
Rachel
Anyway, getting involved in the fellowship group and Bible study have been such an encouragement to me. And a conviction to me. I guess overall, in the studies we've had there, they all sum up to this - God is everything I need, and He is the ONLY person/thing I should look to for satisfaction in this life (and in the next). Like sure, the Bible studies are going MUCH deeper than that. But that's what I've been feeling the most convicted on lately. And it makes me wonder, why do I do half the things I do? Or even 99% of the things that I do? If I'm totally honest with myself, as much as I might pray that it's to God's glory, it's to His glory and honor but it's also an attempt to get others to say "wow, she's a cool girl" or "hey, she's so smart" or "what a cutie" or "I don't know how she handles it all" or something of such. And that's SO WRONG. It's like I'm saying to God, "Sorry, You aren't enough for me. I appreciate all of the blessings You lavish on me, and I wanna make You happy, but I want to make the rest of the world happy too and I want to impress everyone as well. Only because I'm not satisfied that You are content with who I am in You." And it's wrong. It's not like I shouldn't work towards anything in life; I believe that's just as wrong, because God has planted us on earth for a reason, and that isn't to swarm in our "Christian" circles and live in our "Christian" communities (Christian in parentheses, because a lot of the time, the "Christian" circles and communities are simply "religious" circles and communities where everyone is super involved to fit in the popular status quo). And it isn't to sit at home and bum around with our kids (no slight at stay-at-home moms; a true stay at home mom takes care of her family, and also takes time to get out in the community to share her God-given talents - I believe being a stay at home mom is God's highest call for a woman).
And this all struck me a few weeks ago when I was laying in bed in one of my friends' rooms. We were trying to predict each other's futures based on our personalities. She presumed I would get married before her, but after two of my other girl friends, because I know exactly what I'm looking for in a guy, and my expectations are reasonable, but she knows I won't compromise on the type of guy I'm willing to marry (she thinks her expectations for a husband are too lofty, and no guy will ever meet them...I disagree). She said, "I think you'll hit a crossroad where you'll have a GREAT performance career handed to you, and you'll also have this great guy who wants to marry you, so you'll have to choose between career and family. And I bet you're going to choose family, and you'll end up heading more in the direction of your Arts Administration minor." And it got me thinking, would I really? And what am I making more important in my life right now? My relationships with friends and family and ultimately God, or my future career? And I realized, she's right. She's right because, I wouldn't want to grow old like SO many amazing musicians, look back on my life, and say, "Wow. I'm a millionaire. I'm famous. People love my music. But I don't have a family who loves me. I've made my career my life, and all people will remember me for is my music. Not my impact on their lives." And as I've gotten more and more homesick this year, I've realized, I never want to be REALLY close to my parents (like, not within a 10 minute radius), but I want to be close enough to my family to be able to visit whenever I wish. And I'm starting to realize, granted, I want a great performance career. But I sometimes question whether or not it can coincide with family. Or with God.
Later,
Rachel
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Untitled
So I figured I should throw out a quick post just for the sake of throwing it out there. I won third place at the Washington County Fair last Saturday. That was an encouragement to my musical side...and it wasn't too bad to walk away with an extra sixty bucks either, haha. In other news, lately I've been contemplating my future again. I know the Bible mentions how we make our plans, and the Lord sometimes changes them, etc. And lately, I've been contemplating my future. Sure, I'm only 17. I have time. But as much as I want to be a classical pianist, I can't get over how much joy I get from singing. Like, it's insane, and part of me has a hard time believing I've only known that for a couple of years. Last night, I literally sat at the piano and sang for almost three hours straight. I do that with piano, but at times, it feels like such a trudge. I can sing while playing piano until my voice is insanely hoarse, and I still don't feel the "work" side of it. And I'm excited about being able to have legit voice lessons this year! In other news, I've calculated out my credits, and at the end of the summer, I'll be almost exactly 1/3 of the way done with my credits. Which makes me ponder - what to do after graduation? Sure, I'll almost definitely HAVE to stay for four years simply to take piano lessons and choir (although, those two courses will probably be the only reason I'll have to stay for my senior year). But what after that? I'm pretty sure I wanna go to grad school, but where? And then I've been contemplating the "connections" I have musically. And how I'm surrounded by these incredibly talented people. And how I don't come anywhere near how amazing they are. E.g., my frenemy (new word for friend/enemy) is giving solo piano concerts somewhere on the East Coast. My best friend is in the opera Carmen at an opera house in PA, and he told me that one of the vocalists told him that a different opera house in North Carolina would love to fly him out/book him a hotel AND pay him to play certain opera roles. Already. This guy's only 19, and usually, you don't start getting bookings like that until you're like 23 or 24. And then there's me. Just this random girl who happens to love music. I just wish I could see exactly what the Lord is doing in my life, and where He's leading me. And then, lately, I've been considering marriage, etc. I think about how when I was younger, I wanted to be married by the time I was like 16 (ridiculous, but hey, when you're 8, 16 seems like FOREVER away, right, haha?). And as of lately, I'm not so sure I wanna get married. Like yeah, I want kids, but every time my mom jokes about it and says that she's "praying that I'll marry the Godliest, most handsome man in the world," I tell her that I want to wear a wedding dress. But I don't know if I want to get married. I want the pomp and circumstance; the ability to dress like a princess for one day in my life. But I don't know if I'd ever want to make a lifetime commitment like that. It's not just about staying faithful. It's about giving up EVERYTHING to one guy. Dreams, ambitions, career, whatever he wants. And not like I consider myself "domineering", but I don't know that I'd ever want to do that. But again, I'm only 17. I have a good 6 or 7 years to ponder those things. Anyway, quick vid here...I LOVE this song by Ingrid Michaelson (she's my summer music addiction this year, haha). This is called Highway. It sorta reminds me of leaving off for college once again and the way my mom always says that time goes by so quickly, etc. and every time I hear it, it makes me a bit teary.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
It's the Ride
As much as I STRONGLY dislike and disapprove of Miley Cyrus, there has been ONE song of hers that I secretly love: The Climb. Unfortunately, she hasn't heeded her own advice, namely "it's not about how fast I get there, it's not about what's waitin' on the other side", because to Miss Slutsy, it IS about how fast she gets there, and the money and fame that's waiting on the other side.
I found out yesterday that I didn't even get into semi-finals for the state fair. After having a week of contemplating quitting piano altogether because I've been extremely discouraged about it, getting that news certainly didn't help. However, I remembered the good and bad performances I heard when I was at the state fair. NONE of the people who I thought were very talented (there were only 3 that I liked; the rest were either off-tune, only sang a four-note range, or their chords didn't match the song). But I realized, if they didn't make it, maybe I shouldn't feel so down. Maybe it would've been a negative to make it into the state fair. I don't know.
However, something convicted me. I realized that a lot of my frustration with piano is that it "doesn't seem to be going anywhere". I tell that a lot to my family. They respond with, "Rachel, it IS going somewhere. You're gone practically every day of this summer doing something involving music." And yesterday, it hit me. I'm making it "how fast I get there", "what's waitin' on the other side". I will admit, I do want to be famous. Just a TINNNYYY bit. And I'd like to earn enough money to pay off my student loans in a year without a problem. All $100,000+ of them. As if, right? But my focus is all wrong. And maybe that's coming out in my music too. I'm getting to the point I was always scared of getting at - making piano a "job" rather than an enjoyment. And that simply CAN'T be my focus. I have to pray about playing music because I love it, and because I want to touch lives and honor the Lord with it. So I think that'll be my new school year resolution: to pray about keeping my focus on why I decided to major in music, and to not worry about how much my education costs. And I'll try not to think about "worst case scenarios", and what I'll do if performing crashes. Because it's not about that.
It's funny, this summer my mom has been driving me everywhere due to not having a working car to drive. A lot of times, I'm exhausted because my schedule is so hectic. She'll say I can go to sleep, but I tell her I can't sleep in the car because since I'm not driving, I have to be aware of my surroundings. Truth is, I don't totally trust her (or any driver) to get me where I need to go safely. And so often, I want to take the driver's seat in everything. I want to figure everything out myself. I ask for advice, and then debate the advice I'm given, only to frustrate my "advisers". And I find myself sadly wanting to kick God out of the pilot seat, and say I want the wheel to steer my future, because I don't totally trust Him to take me where I need to go. The only problem is that I'm blind to my future. I don't have a road map to know where I'm headed next. So I basically steer myself in endless circles, and get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I want. But what I really need to do is pray about having submission to ALL of my authority figures, namely the Lord himself, take a step back, sit in the passengers seat, and enjoy the ride.
Later,
Rachel
I found out yesterday that I didn't even get into semi-finals for the state fair. After having a week of contemplating quitting piano altogether because I've been extremely discouraged about it, getting that news certainly didn't help. However, I remembered the good and bad performances I heard when I was at the state fair. NONE of the people who I thought were very talented (there were only 3 that I liked; the rest were either off-tune, only sang a four-note range, or their chords didn't match the song). But I realized, if they didn't make it, maybe I shouldn't feel so down. Maybe it would've been a negative to make it into the state fair. I don't know.
However, something convicted me. I realized that a lot of my frustration with piano is that it "doesn't seem to be going anywhere". I tell that a lot to my family. They respond with, "Rachel, it IS going somewhere. You're gone practically every day of this summer doing something involving music." And yesterday, it hit me. I'm making it "how fast I get there", "what's waitin' on the other side". I will admit, I do want to be famous. Just a TINNNYYY bit. And I'd like to earn enough money to pay off my student loans in a year without a problem. All $100,000+ of them. As if, right? But my focus is all wrong. And maybe that's coming out in my music too. I'm getting to the point I was always scared of getting at - making piano a "job" rather than an enjoyment. And that simply CAN'T be my focus. I have to pray about playing music because I love it, and because I want to touch lives and honor the Lord with it. So I think that'll be my new school year resolution: to pray about keeping my focus on why I decided to major in music, and to not worry about how much my education costs. And I'll try not to think about "worst case scenarios", and what I'll do if performing crashes. Because it's not about that.
It's funny, this summer my mom has been driving me everywhere due to not having a working car to drive. A lot of times, I'm exhausted because my schedule is so hectic. She'll say I can go to sleep, but I tell her I can't sleep in the car because since I'm not driving, I have to be aware of my surroundings. Truth is, I don't totally trust her (or any driver) to get me where I need to go safely. And so often, I want to take the driver's seat in everything. I want to figure everything out myself. I ask for advice, and then debate the advice I'm given, only to frustrate my "advisers". And I find myself sadly wanting to kick God out of the pilot seat, and say I want the wheel to steer my future, because I don't totally trust Him to take me where I need to go. The only problem is that I'm blind to my future. I don't have a road map to know where I'm headed next. So I basically steer myself in endless circles, and get frustrated when things don't turn out the way I want. But what I really need to do is pray about having submission to ALL of my authority figures, namely the Lord himself, take a step back, sit in the passengers seat, and enjoy the ride.
Later,
Rachel
Friday, July 23, 2010
I'll never catch up
I sit here writing this post when really, I should be getting some beauty sleep (both for my voice, as well as my body...I was singing so badly this evening that my brother told me to go to bed because I sounded exhausted [although I know he meant that I sounded bad]. :/ ) I have the Minnesota State Fair Talent competition Lord-willing tomorrow morning. I had a competition last weekend at the Washington County Fair. I made it to finals, and was very thankful. But the state fair? It's different. More people, better people, prettier people, taller people, thinner people, and the list goes ON and ON. Then I logged onto facebook (yes, I still have a terrible facebook addiction, although over the past week, i've decided that I'll try to start posting a status ONLY once every other day unless I have earth-shattering news going on...). I saw a piano major from my class (class of '13, woot!) at Wesminster Choir college had posted a video of some insane piano piece, saying the piece was what he's supposed to learn for next semester *Gulp* The worry set in. The idea that MAYBE, I should switch majors to be a vocal major, or maybe musical theatre? Perhaps I should only focus on Arts Administration and just ditch music altogether since it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. And then I realized, my perspective is all wrong. It sort of reminds me with my constant desire to be thinner. And packing on 7 pounds during my first year at college CERTAINLY didn't help. But why do I feel this way? It's not that I'm fat. Or that I'm a terrible pianist. Or that I'm a terrible vocalist. It's that I'm CONSTANTLY comparing myself to other people. CONSTANTLY. If I see an actress who seems to have THE perfect body, I might go a bit cray cray and search her BMI, and suppose that maybe if I had that BMI, I could have the same figure. And go on some fanatic diet where I'll lose a few pounds in a few days, and then gain it back (but I never take the time to think that maybe the actress has a different genetic make-up than me, and thus my body shape will NEVER change, regardless of how many pounds I lose). If I see a pianist is working on a piece more difficult than mine, I might go insane and try to learn a piece that is a few YEARS ahead of my level. And cry over the piece. And hurt my hands because they're too small for the piece. But my problem is comparison. It's hard for me to think, what if God made me different? What if I'm not supposed to be a girl with a slender 19.0 BMI? What if I'm not made to play pieces that were meant for people who have hands twice as big as mine? Who's to say that thin is best? Who's to say that fast, loud, furious, and reaches of 13ths are best? What if there is no best? And that's what I love about art. I'm SO thankful that the Lord has given art to mankind. It's a way to express ourselves when we can't put our thoughts into words. He made each and every one of us differently. Some of us are DaVinci's who paint masterpieces, or who play thunderous piano wonders. Some of us are postmodern artists who show the simple and the quiet and the beautiful intricacies of life that otherwise go unnoticed, or who play the quiet Mozart "tinkle tinkle" music a thousand times better than Rachmaninoff. But that's okay. Because God has a place for each and every one of us. And He chooses to use us in ways that we don't always understand. It doesn't always make life easy. But it does always leave me curious, because I wonder what He's up to next. I know that His plans for me are perfect and far better than I can imagine, yet in my sinful stubborn flesh, I try to figure things out my own way, oftentimes by comparing myself to others and trying to "outdo" them because I don't totally trust that the Lord can bring about what's best for my life. And it's tragic. And it leaves me in the muck of despair, stress, and worry (which is part of the reason I have an acne-ridden face, and why I need beauty sleep....but more importantly, why I need prayer). Ah, if only the Lord would grant me true faith like a child. It's so easy to talk about, yet so hard to do. And it's funny, tomorrow I'm singing the Lord's prayer in combination with The Valley Song by Jars of Clay. It's ironic that the lyrics in the Lord's Prayer speak SO much about faith like a child. I guess I need to hear more of the message of the song rather than worrying about trying to get vibrato on the high b-flat.
Later,
Rachel
Later,
Rachel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
