The World....

"Taking, as He did, this sinful world,as it is, not as I would have it...."
Sometimes those words echo in my mind. Times like tonight. Times when I get fed up with the huge amount of sin weighing in on me. I was in the middle of watching a movie with some friends when we started discussing all of the sin-issues on campus. Of course, none of my friends will label them as sin issues. Just "differences" or "abnormalities". But at points, I get fed up, and I have to leave the social circle to read the Bible, or to pray, or simply to reflect on what the Lord's purpose for me here on earth is. So why am I so agitated? And what sin topics arose? Things like who's bisexual or homosexual. The different drugs and pills people are using. The different drinks people are drinking. The lady who killed her husband out of self-defense, yet works here. I stepped away from the conversation for a couple of minutes after having all of this unloaded on me. And don't get me wrong; I do somewhat like to hear about what's going on on campus so I know who are the okay people; the people I can chat with, or study with, or hang out with. I also like to know who the "bad" people are; the people who drink, do drugs, smoke, are known to be extremely immoral, etc. Here, I don't have a choice to be choosy about having Christian friends, unfortunately. It's a matter of picking the people who aren't involved in as much sin, or the people who have respect for their parents and for their elders, or the people who work hard, etc. And again, don't get me wrong. I've been blessed to have a great group of friends to chill out with. It just gets tough sometimes. And sometimes, I do get that longing for heaven; for a place of no more sin. A place of fellowship.

Another thing that really irks me is how there is SUCH an emphasis on success here. So again, tonight, we were talking, and this one "wonder-guy" came up in conversation. Basically, he does it all. He's an amazing pianist, amazing vocalist, senior class president, from a rich family, he himself makes a lot of money (so much that he has money left over after paying his tuition every year), all while maintaining a solid 4.0 GPA. And all of those are great things. It's not like I'm jealous at all. I'm happy for people who have it so great. Very happy. But only if they are truly happy; only if their source of joy comes from the Lord and not something as shallow as the money or the fame. And after about two months of stifling my mouth every time I heard this guy's name mentioned and all of his "wonderfulness", I spoke up tonight unable to bear anymore. I was like, "You know, that's all great and stuff, but honestly, I wouldn't trade the life I have for his. At least I'm happy. And I'd much rather be happy than have all of that. " Immediately, my friends wanted to argue that he's happy too. I argued, "No, he's not. You look at him when he passes. He always looks sad. Or simply emotionless. Or stressed. But he never smiles. He's never happy. And he doesn't have a personality. And [I couldn't help but add] he's really not attractive at all." Naturally, my whole group of friends rose up to defend him once more with the excuse, "Well, he's that way because he's so stressed about keeping up with everything." So I added, "Exactly. And I'd much rather be happy than have to be stressed in order to have all of that. And there's so much more to life than riches and fame and perfect GPA's. There's happiness too." Of course, none of them understood what I was talking about. One of my friends said, "Um, not really." and everyone else but me nodded in agreement. I again said, "Yes, there is." and remained practically silent for the following ten minutes out of sheer aggravation. And frustration. And a little bit out of sadness too. Sad that they can't see anything more to life than that. Sad that to them, the best thing in life will be to make it to the Met, or to be in the New York Philharmonic. Sad that they're missing out on the joys of salvation, grace, happiness, contentment, and love that can only come from Christ all in exchange for the next dollar, or for the next status "up".

So I left. I left frustrated, and pondering. And immediately, the song "Lose My Soul" by TobyMac jumped in my head. And I tried to remember the verse that song was written after. So I looked it up. Mark 8:36-37 says, "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" And I realized for the first time in my life that it's a daily battle to remind myself of that verse. Especially during stressful academic times (like those that come around finals week...). It's very difficult to keep focused that the Lord is my light and my salvation; that the Lord has everything I'll ever need stored for me in Him. It's hard to remember that juries and grades don't define me; that is doesn't matter if I earn $8,000 or $800 next year. It's hard to remember that "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul." So I guess I just wanna write this post to remind anyone who might stumble across it that there is so much more to life than work, or grades, or finals week, or whatever else you may think defines life. It sounds so elementary, but there is. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6 That is all the strength and happiness I will ever need.

Later,
Rachel

So much for resolutions....

So much for my New Years' resolution to write on here at least once a week. Things get busy, and blogging falls last on my list of priorities when I have 19-hour school days. So much has happened since February. One, I've decided to stay at Westminster Choir College. I decided through much prayer, thought, and input from my friends and piano teacher from WI that I should give my current teacher another semester before I make my final decision. I was so sick the first semester that I was incapable of giving my best to my piano teacher. This semester, I was so focused on last semester being terrible that I decided I wanted to transfer. Then I focused on audition repertoire for transferring as well as audition repertoire for competitions. Trying to perfect 15 early advanced to advanced piano pieces all at once was literally impossible for me to do. Hence, I really have been incapable of giving my teacher my all this semester and last semester. I hope and pray that next semester will be better piano-wise. I have also structured my time much better this semester. I'm getting between 4 and 6 hours of sleep a night rather than random all-nighters here and there and averaging 3 hours of sleep a night. However, in the past week, thanks to the overabundance of pollen everywhere (with New Jersey apparently being the worst state in the country for pollen right now), I believe I've developed allergies. So not fun. The past week, I've felt miserable. I've never had to deal with seasonal allergies before. As far as this summer goes, I will be accompanying church services in River Falls again. I will also be taking piano lessons somewhere in the twin cities (I'm waiting for my piano teacher to get back to me with which of her colleagues she'd like me to study with over the summer...she literally has connections around the nation and even a few around the world). I am currently attempting to get an internship at a couple of arts organizations to build my skills and resume over the summer. I guess the more I study Arts Administration, the more I realize I could be quite happy being an arts administrator. That doesn't mean I enjoy it as much as playing or performing piano. But it's something I could see myself doing if all else failed. This upcoming fall, I have a job opportunity that I have to discuss more with my parents. A program coordinator for a middle/high school for kids with disabilities asked me to coordinate a music program for the fall. The pay is incredibly amazing. But far greater than the pay, the experience would be amazing. And the possible impact I could have on some of the kids would be even greater. And although I definitely don't want to be a music teacher for the rest of my life, I think I'd get a lot of joy out of bringing music into kids' lives, most of whom probably feel like they don't have a place to fit. And maybe music can bring the kids together. And greater than that, maybe the Lord can use me to make an impact on their lives. Anyway, I need to get back to writing my 70-page final project for arts admin.
Later,
Rachel

On the nature of guy friends

So as this semester at Westminster restarted, I realized that I wanted to be more focused on practice time and more focused on getting a couple of girl friends to add to my three-musketeer group of me and my two close guy friends. I realized that I didn't wanna go through the drama of last semester. But drama-rama is back. Last night, knowing that we'd probably have a snow day today, me and my group of now six-musketeers (me, my two close guy friends, and three other girls) watched a movie. After the movie, we had girl-talk, which I haven't had in a VERY long time. For the past four years or so, all of my closest friends in whatever social arena I'm in have been guys. So last night, they confronted me on my best guy friend. The same guy who asked me out at the end of last semester, and I told no (I had also e-mailed him a couple of times over break, reinstating that I really wasn't interested in a relationship and I just want to stay friends). They told me that he's legit madly in love with me, and that I really need to talk to him again so that he can get over me. They've told me in the past that he's told them he's concerned that I'm going to end up getting hurt by some guy, and he couldn't stand to see me get hurt because he cares so much for me. They also added that they think he's a great guy and he treats me amazingly, and that if they were me, they wouldn't give up a guy who loves me that much for the world. In my mind, there are two things that are preventing me from going out with him. Maybe three. He's a great guy with a great personality, and even though he sometimes acts like a total jerk (literally, acts..... he 's like a ciabatta roll: very hard on the outside and very sarcastic, but really soft on the inside), he's insanely sweet and he totally treats me like a princess. He's also by far the best vocalist (male or female) in the freshman class, and one of the best on campus (one of my friends' teachers told her that he will have an amazing career as a vocalist), and he has asked me to accompany him twice, although both times, the plans fell through (once because I was in bed sick, and once because he's going to watch a show at the Metropolitan Opera instead of competing in a competition). And it does cross my mind that since he will probably have a spectacular career, I could be a part of that by being his accompanist. But 1.) he's not a believer. I've witnessed to him on several occasions. And he seems responsive to what I'm saying. Of course that's by the Lord's grace, but I think a lot of it is that I really pray to live out what I say I believe. And I don't look down on people who don't. And I don't treat people who don't believe in the Lord any differently; I just share my convictions with them just as openly as I would with any believer. And he sees the hypocrisy in the lives of the people here on campus who call themselves Christians, and we've even discussed some of that stuff. I'm not saying I'm perfect; there are the times that I laugh at stuff I shouldn't or say stuff that's definitely on the border between right or wrong. But I believe the Lord grants grace even with that, and most of the time, I'll even apologize after saying stuff that's "on the border". 2.) I'm really not physically attracted to him at all. It's not that he's really ugly. I mean, if he lost 100 pounds, he'd be fantastic. And I've contemplated helping him lose weight, because I do have the know-how to put a diet program together. But I feel like even if he lost weight, even if he was the hottest guy in the world, I wouldn't want to lose our amazing friendship to a relationship. And I think that's where friendships with guys become complicated. More times than not, when a guy and a girl are really close friends, one of the two ends up falling for the other. And a lot of times, the other person isn't interested. My gal friends told me that he's the type of guy who'd get hurt be being led-on. But what is "led-on"? And furthermore, what is a relationship? Is it just a friendship with physical stuff going on? Or is it when even without a physical relationship, you feel as if there's no one in the world who you could possibly love as much as the person you're with? Is it when you feel as though you can take any hurt or pain that person gives you, and still love them more than any other person on earth? Is it when you don't care whether the person is in a wheelchair, or obese, or purple, or sickly because regardless, you're still going to be there for them and love them? Is it when you picture spending every waking moment with them? Is it when you can get into any argument, face any frustration, and face any trial and still come through together? And for believers, is it when you can discuss something with that person and not just hear the cliché,"I'll pray for you", knowing it will never happen, but you actually get fellowship, and encouragement from the Word of God? If not, then I want to know what a relationship is. And I don't know if I should tell my friend the primary reason I could never date him is because at this point, he's not a believer. It might push him further away from Christianity. He'd view me as another self-righteous Christian snob. And I don't know if it's right for me to confront him at all; to tell him that I'm still not interested and never will be, so he should just give up and fall in love with someone else. And maybe he's right about me. Maybe I'm just really unsure of what I want, but I want to act like I know what I want because there's the pain of uncertainty that comes with not knowing who that special someone is. All I know is that he has a heart, and a soul. And as a friend, I don't want to break his heart by "leading him on" and not re-confronting him. But I also don't want to break his heart by telling him that I'll probably never like him, "like that". I guess deep down inside somewhere, I do like him. But at this point in my life, I don't love him. And when I was little, I decided that I'd never want to date a guy I didn't want to marry. And I wouldn't want to marry a guy I don't love. And so, this is the complication that comes with having a very close guy friend, and I just don't know how to deal with it. *Sigh* I guess this post has nothing to do with anything. Other than the nature of guy friends, and how confused I am about how this society views dating relationships, and how I should view them from a Biblical perspective.
Later,
Rachel

Keep Smiling

So lately, I've had a lot going on in my life. I've been extremely stressed because of family things going on, the stress of being here at Westminster, the stress of not knowing for sure whether or not I should stay here, the stress of having a teacher who doesn't seem totally "for" me, and the stress of trying to prepare for two competitions on my own (which means memorizing two pretty major pieces in like 3 days, and trying to have them perfected in less than 3 weeks). If that doesn't spell stressed out, I don't know what does. But I've been somewhat convicted on the way I've been carrying myself. The conviction sorta stemmed from a situation during lunch on Monday. I prayed before lunch, and one of the girls at the table said,"Are you okay? Are you crying?" I was like, "Yeah, I'm fine, just praying." Then one of my friends (who is always sarcastic, but I've had a few chances to witness to him, and he's been surprisingly receptive) said, "Well if you pray, shouldn't you be smiling? Like, you don't smile anymore. You used to smile all the time. So does praying make you sad?" Even though he was being sarcastic, I was convicted because I realized, the world is watching me. The world is watching my response to trials to see if the God I talk about really exists; to see if He really brings joy, to see if maybe there is some security in having a Savior, to see if He really exists or if Christians are just religious fanatics who believe in nonsensical invisible things. And this morning, I read a devotional that had the verse 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 as the basis for the devotional. It reads, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me,'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" For some reason, I don't remember ever seeing that verse before. But that is my comfort; that His grace is sufficient for me. And thus, I don't need to stress. Because if I fear anything or if I'm stressed about things, I'm ultimately being a bad testimony. And on Sunday, I was also moved during church service. We sang "How Firm a Foundation" For some reason, the words and the verses totally popped out at me. It was like, they were sent to me from the Lord; a small reminder that He truly still cares for me, and He hasn't forgotten about me, but that instead, He's using these trials to grow me in Him. And after we finished singing, a baby yelled out, "YAY!" Of course, the congregation chuckled. I did too. But I wanted to cry. Because I felt like it was the voice of God coming out of a baby (I do realize that God doesn't speak through people anymore, so no, I'm not a crazed charismatic or anything; it just FELT like that), saying that He was glad that I was finding joy in Him. Anyway, I guess I really didn't have a point to this post other than to encourage you to keep smiling in the midst of your trials (and I know how hard it is to do), whatever they may be. Because the world really is watching. The world is curious about your faith, and what sets it apart from other faiths/religions. And if you're not happy and content and finding joy in the Lord, why should they have any reason to believe that they will if they come to know Him? "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Later,
Rachel

Unsure

So much for keeping up with blogging weekly. *Sigh* The past couple of weeks have been pretty intense for me. The stress never stops. Anyway, to say the least, I'm seriously considering transferring colleges. I'm not totally positive, but the biggest factor is that I feel like I'm not really connecting with my current teacher, and I'm always stressed here. Like honestly, the Lord has granted me the grace to be able to put up with the sin issues, so that's not the issue. But I really want to be in an environment where I can enjoy music. And here, I honestly can't. I think it's a great college to go to if you're a music ed major. Or if you're a vocal major. But for me, I feel like music is becoming more work than enjoyment, and I've always feared that. I decided to major in music because I love it. Sure, you can "hit the jackpot" and make a lot of money if you have all the right connections. But as of right now, I'm scared that I'll graduate from here and be like the 90% of Juilliard graduates who drop music altogether after graduation because of the intense pressure they had put on them while in college. Or be in a straightjacket. But recently, because of all of the stress, I've started doing some songwriting. And as much as I abhor theory, I'm constantly learning about chord progressions which helps me with the musical side of it. But I've also started learning that to write a song, every other line of the poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme. It can be written more like prose, and turn out okay. Anyway, I need to finish writing out one of my application essays. And I feel like I'm having a dejavu of last spring. *sigh* Later,
Rachel

In the valley

So, I have survived my first week of my second semester of college. But barely. As soon as I got back on campus (literally, the night I got back) I got sick. Again. I ended up getting something that, according to my mom and brother (who yes, I texted pictures of my throat to), looked like mono or tonsilitis. I had a strep test come back negative though, so whatever it was was viral. But I had a difficult time breathing because I had congestion and my throat was slowly closing up due to my swelling tonsils. :( Add to that having a fever which stayed between 100 and 102.6 for a few days. I barely made it through all of my classes all week (trying to do soprano I choir hearings with a closed up throat was not fun. At all). But today, I'm feeling a lot better. And a few things dawned on me. First off, I'm weak and I'm very sickly. And I know that. In fact, although I'm feeling much better today, I woke up with blurred vision and another back spasm deal. And my neck has been having some minor spasms these past few days too. And it's like, I've realized that I have a really really weak system. Not only that, but I'm extremely weak. In all ways. Emotionally, physically, mentally (my roommate and I were laughing at all of the ditzy things I do this evening), and even in my piano playing. Sure, I love piano, but as much as I hate to say it, my friend Nikita has a legitimate point when he brags off and claims that I can't play the pieces he can. He's right. It's not that I can't play them. I can, as far as reading the notes go. They just don't sound as good because physically, I'm not capable of producing really loud tones on the piano. My small hands don't let me reach huge chords. Sure, the light delicate stuff sounds pretty and makes people cry. But sometimes, it does get to me that pieces which I LOVE to hear, I'm completely incapable of playing because of the physical limitations I have. And when I'm sick, I realize that I'm even weaker than weak. I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day, and she was saying she was considering pulling me out of college because of how sick I seem to be getting. And that when I get sick, it's not just a cold. It's a life or death issue. And my body pulls every little bit of strength it can from everywhere in my body. Including my back and neck. And even my eyeballs. And I even had a freak-out night where I was bawling and my roommate wouldn't let me go to bed until I told her what was wrong. I told her I already had so little space left in my throat and that I was scared that my throat would just close up on me during the night and that I'd lay in bed helpless and suffocating and that I really wasn't scared of dying, but I just didn't wanna die a really slow painful death like that. And I ended up reflecting on my life, and considering that in the past year, I believe that (thank the Lord, of course) a lot of things have been made right in my life within the past 6 months. Namely my relationship with my parents. So I just prayed that if I died, that the Lord would take me in my sleep and not let me die of suffocation. I know it probably seems like I'm just being dramatic. But until you realize your next breath is truly not promised, you don't know if oxygen can even pass through your throat to your lungs, and that breath isn't something to take for granted, you don't realize that life is just a handbreadth. You don't realize that your last moment could be now. And with me, I'm so constantly sick that it just seems like I don't have a choice but to live as if every day were my last. And I also realized something today as I was walking to my dorm. There's a slight valley from the student center to the dorm. And it was quite chilly this evening. And windy. And for the first time, I realized that sometimes, like in the winter, or when it's windy, I WANT to be in the valley. To get shielded from the wind, and the snow, and the cold. To get shielded from everything that's "up there". And I thought about how in my spiritual life, so often I pray, "Oh Lord, take me out of this valley!! You've led me here, I hate it here, it's too hard here, I want to be UP THERE! You don't know what you're doing!" And I know He hears my ignorant cries. Like when I'm sick and praying for health. But sometimes, He keeps me in the valley anyway. To shield me from the chaos that resides "up there". He knows what He's doing. And whenever I'm in the valley, I resist at first, but somehow, He always draws me closer to Himself. When I'm in bed feeling like I'm on my deathbed, staring at my dorm room door just hoping and praying that perhaps someone will come in just to talk to me, I realize that I have the Lord to talk to. All the time. And I'm forced to talk to Him. It's sorta like God's "grounding" period for me. Like when I'm grounded at home, eventually, I'm forced to talk things out with my parents. Because I have no other option. I have no one else to talk to. And a lot of times, that's the way God works too. And although I hate going through it, I love the outcome. I love feeling close to Him. I love knowing that He's my best friend. Anyway, I have theory homework to get on (yay for sightreading a viola cleff!).
Later,
Rachel

On the nature of music.....

Today I had the most epic five-minute experience of my life. I got to play on the Ordway Center's main stage. My mom and I came to the Ordway because they were having their 25-year celebration. They had a "25-seconds of fame" deal (which ended up being more like 2 or 3 minutes.... or as many minutes as you wanted if no one else was waiting in line) where anyone could get on the Ordway stage and play whatever they wanted. Or sing. My mom wanted me to sing, but I didn't wanna. Yet, I remembered the time she told me to get Coach boots at Herberger's that were on sale for $10. I didn't wanna because I'd never heard of the brand. She told me I'd regret it, but I didn't know what the brand "Coach" was (gimme a break, I was 12), so I didn't get them. Guess who regrets not getting those Coach boots to this day? And I figured, just like the Coach boots, I'd probably regret not singing. Because she wanted me to. So what do you do when you have 5 minutes to decide on a song to sing or a piece to play? I debated between Jars of Clay's "The Valley Song" and Debussy's Clair De Lune. I decided to sing first. And a reporter from the Pioneer Press took my picture while I was playing/singing. After I finished, he told me that was great and said that Jars of Clay is a great group and he did a semi-interview with me. I told him I wanted to be a concert pianist; that I mainly play classical music but that I sang because my mom wanted me to. He asked me what it felt like to be up there. On the Ordway stage. And that's when it hit me.
What did it feel like? I thought for a minute and then responded with, "Not as bad as I thought it'd be." He laughed and said, "Well besides not bad, how did it feel?" Honestly, it didn't feel. I was nervous about getting up there because of the 30ish people that were watching me. And because I have a fear of extremely large concert halls (and small enclosed) spaces. But then he asked me, "Or how did you think it would feel?" I told him I thought it'd be scary. I've always thought that if someone was performing, they'd see the thousands of people out of the corner of their eye, freak out, and continue playing just because they had to because they had a sold out show. And because they wanted to show off all the years of dedication and talent it took to get there. But honestly, on stage, I couldn't really see the auditorium. Like the lights were so bright that I couldn't see anything out of the corner of my eye. And as far as what I felt? I felt music. I felt calm. I felt like nothing else could really make me happier than to call a stage like that my home. It was THE most amazing five minutes of my life. And then I went back up about 20 minutes later to play Clair De Lune.
But something struck me while I was waiting to sing. A cellist who looked about 40-ish years old got up there to play some cello piece. She didn't play all the right notes. A lot of them were actually wrong. And her tempo was way off; in fact, I didn't really know if she had an internal tempo going on in her head. The whole thing seemed to be a muddled mess of rubato followed my accelerando. But it dawned on me that perhaps 20 years ago, she was where I was. For all I know, she could've even been a Juilliard graduate. But maybe somewhere down the line, she gave up. Or got discouraged. Or figured that graduating from college was more important than loving music. And I thought about Lucia Micarelli, who I consider one of the best concert violinists of the 21st century. I watched a youtube video of her. And she's a college dropout. She went to Juilliard and then the Manhattan school of music. She said she dropped out because she realized, she just LOVED music and college was only making her love it less and less. She said all she wanted to do was play. And play. And play. But that she had rent to pay, and living in NYC, rent doesn't come cheap. So she took all the gigs that she could. And ended up where she is today. A world-traveling soloist. And I thought about where I'm at at Westminster. Last semester was insane. The time it takes to be a music major is like having a full time job on top of 17 credits. I can see why so many people switch majors or drop out or go to non-music schools. It's not mentally challenging, but it is VERY tiring. And I realized, I don't want to necessarily be a college dropout. But for the next couple of years, I will stick to the 12-14 credits and see what happens. Because I want to take time to not only perfect music for juries and my lessons, but to play music. For fun. Because I love it and because I think it's beautiful, not because someone else tells me to play it to meet a requirement. So even though I dunno if I'll be in the Pioneer Press tomorrow morning or make a debut at the Ordway Center 3 years from now, I know that I want to play music. And play. And play. I want to touch the piano keys. I want to hear the warm sounds of a 7 chord. I want to feel the calm that comes with playing a Chopin Nocturne, and the rush of adrenaline that comes with playing the Diabolic Inspiration by Prokofiev. I want to not feel. To not feel anything but music rushing through me. And I want to do whatever it takes to get that feeling. Later,
Rachel